Goodbye letter to Carolineine
Only a couple of people know this, but after the whole 911 thing a couple weeks ago, Carolineine and the rest of the adults jumped ship. She left a message about being a failure, something about she couldn't believe she let things come to that, and when we woke up the next day, she and anyone else older than me was gone.
And so now I'm trying to raise a group of kids on my own, and I'm not the best at it, not being a whole lot older than the kids myself. Our therapist had us write goodbye letters to Carolineine.
So here is mine.
Dear Carolineine,
It’s strange without you here. You’ve never NOT been here ever since the 1st day of 1st grade. So it’s like you’ve always been here.
It feels like I stepped onto another planet. Where did you and all the adults go?
It’s you that made the biggest hole though. The other grown ups didn’t do much except clean the house and stuff.
I don’t even hear your voice. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. It’s so scary. It feels like you left me.
I have to finish all of your work you started for school which was YOUR big idea and now you’ve got all those people showing up including YOUR bosses and now you’ve spent all that time and money getting ready AND ordered stuff for it and the people are all excited. Good God. I don’t even want to do it. Now I have to just make myself get through it. Couldn’t you have finished your projects FIRST and then left?
Its really, really hard to motivate myself to do anything. I’d just as soon take a nap as go finish your projects. Maybe since I’m a teenager its easier for me to blow things off. So what if I don’t change my clothes for 3 days? Who’s going to care? I haven’t brushed my teeth since Friday. So what? And I don’t care that diet pepsi might be “rotting my stomach and eating my bones” or whatever you said. If Mae will stop crying when I promise her some candy… well at least she stops crying. If it WORKS… right?
What, you’re expecting me to have insight all of a sudden? I’m STILL 17. I’m not you.
How am I supposed to know what the right thing to do is? I wonder if I will grow some intuition.
You were the smartest. You knew all the right and fanciest words to say.
I’m rude and say dumb things all the time. And words that you said, I have to look up in the dictionary to see if I use them right. I’m not in as good of a mood as you are. What if all your friends dump you because they meet me?
Did you just chicken out and give up?
Did you leave for benevolent reasons? To give me a chance to grow up and take charge and do what’s best for the rest of us?
Did you leave because you think I can handle this now? I don’t have that much confidence in myself.
What if I do all this and then you come back and want your job back? Will I be happy to hand it back or mad that I did all this work for nothing? Because you know what, in ONE freaking weekend I have already worked my butt off just to get myself together enough to talk to S today and I KNOW you never had to do that.
Where DID you go? We don’t see you anywhere. You’re barely a shadow.
Are you afraid to come back because S might yell at you? That we will be mad?
Do I want to do everything right now in the shadow of “This is what Carolineine would have done?” and “This is what Carolineine would have wanted?”
I keep asking myself this right now. I want to do something or get something or not do something or say something and I keep thinking- is it for Carolineine or is it something that I want or do or is it something I think is right?
Do I finally get to paint my room black?
What is going to happen when me and Missy fight?
Missy thinks I should tell you, “Ha, the kids like me be better anyway.” She’s 12. She still sticks her tongue out at people. Which is disgusting.
It all feels like when we used to watch Party of Five and the parents got killed in the car accident and left the 5 kids to live with each other and the oldest brother had to take over and be the responsible adult. Only HE was like, 23. I am 17. BARELY 17, Carolineine.
Part of me feels like I can go to the mall with the credit card and spend how much I want because my mom isn’t here anymore.
Part of me feels too paranoid to even move. L
Yah yah yah I can hear ___ (our therapist) right now saying ITS ALL ABOUT BALANCE.
I just ate a can of tuna for a snack just like you would even though I think its disgusting. I wasn’t even hungry. I don’t know. I have a lot of thinking to do. How would I run a family. I don’t know. I’m 17. I’m not supposed to have a family.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
it sounds like a really scary time. hang in there, jo. i know you are unsure of what you are capable of. i have listened to you and i believe that you have what it takes to survive and to teach the little ones on what it means to be a good human.
trust your heart.
Where has Caroline gone? I don't believe that inner people just go or die. Do you? Can you all perhaps write her a letter asking her to come back if that's what you want? Perhaps she will reply. It sounds like you do not want the responsibility of looking after the little ones especially when things have been so difficult with them and the emergency call. Perhaps that is how Caroline felt too. Perhaps she just couldn't handle the feelings of responsibility and that is why she left?
I think that if you come from the basis of feelings rather than role assignments (you do this, I do that), you may begin to understand yourself better. Dysfunctional families are very role-oriented and it is very easy to take this as your model if you come from a dysfunctional family. It all gets internalised.
But if you start to look at things from the point of view of how everyone feels it can bring people back together. What do you think?
We just found your blog this morning. We have been feeling so all alone. We haven't found anyone who really understands what living like this is like. We knew some people from going to a DID hospital a long time ago, but they're gone. We're so happy we found you!
Hi!
I don't know if you know me but I read this journal EVERY day. I am from Canada (Quebec).
I am 29 even if I feel exactly the same age as you. I kinda handle stuff sometimes so if I can help, just ask...Don't worry I'm sure Caroline will come back. Maybe she's just ashamed about the whole 911 thing...I wish I could sit with you and talk