October 5, 2007

I really want to come back and say something wise or thrilling.
But I don't have anything.
Things have been very complicated the past week or so. You know how you just have some days when everything that can go wrong, will? That's what the past 2 weeks are like. I go to fix one thing, and another thing breaks. I try to get one thing done, and 3 or 5 more things pop up to get in the way that have to be done NOW and have a DEADLINE and require my IMMEDIATE attention... and then while I am working on those, something else happens that also needs my immediate attention. Then while I'm trying to do that, something else goes wrong, I have to fix that, and then I'm behind...
Its been pure craziness.
What I'm trying hard to do is learn to be calm inside in the midst of all this insanity. I'm not doing a very good job at it, but maybe I am getting a little bit better.

October is a hard, hard month for us. We're already having increased flashbacks because of anniversaries of things. Most of the time they are not too bad. Its mainly the stress of work that is adding to the problems right now. Our doctor gave us some new meds to try which should help with the anxiety... Klonopin. So hopefully it'll work.
We did some paintings, and that seemed to help. We've also been working on collages and other artwork.
We are trying hard to be MINDFUL... working on that a lot. Learning that thoughts are only thoughts, and don't require action. Trying to work on non-judgment of our feelings and thoughts. And being in the present moment. Those things, we hope, will help us learn to be more calm.
For all of us.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:50 PM | Comments (1)

October 19, 2007

Sorry it took me so long to update this journal. We have been really sick for a few weeks now. We're just now getting back to normal.
Also, our journal (Pilgrim's Journey) isn't listed on the main health diaries home page any more. For some reason, Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't listed up there in the topics like it used to be. So if you ever want to find this journal and 1 of our entries isn't up here to link to it, please go to this link: http://www.healthdiaries.com/blogs/pilgrim/ or you can just put Pilgrim's Journey in the search up at the top of the page.
So anyway, we have been really sick for several weeks and are just now getting better...

We had to miss some work, but we're better now. October is always a really hard month for all of us for a lot of reasons. I just don't want to get into it tonight. I want to say something good that I did today.
Last night was a really really hard session with my therapist. I talked about something that was really hard for me. My therapist said I was brave. That kind of made me feel better.
Today I had something else to go to instead of work. And I was someplace on my own where I didn't know anybody. I had a lunch that Carolineine had packed for us, our usual peanut butter sandwich and stuff. But I wanted to find something more interesting, so I went to a Denny's that was nearby.
And I was looking at the menu and starting to chicken out and I was about to just leave. Because it just was way too much all of a sudden. I HATE to go out to eat. And I never ever ever go to eat by myself. And sit down in a restaurant?! no freaking WAY. So i was about to get up but then i remembered how my therapist said last night i was brave for talking... so i made myself sit. And the waitress came and i ordered a chicken sandwich. for myself. I was even really polite to her even though i was so nervous. And I made myself sit there and eat and look at a magazine and i sat there for half an hour. in an actual restaurant by myself.
i did it, even though it is october, too.
Another thing that we have all been doing a lot is artwork and collages. We're making an art journal instead of a written journal. Being artsy is helping some.
The nightmares about October and all the bad stuff that happened and everything, are still going on and are still hard, but i think that maybe this year we are being a little braver.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:18 PM | Comments (5)

October 28, 2007

I'm counting the days til Halloween is over. November can't get here soon enough.
There's so much going on, inside and at work and at home, and it seems like I'm constantly busy, constantly behind in my work, even when I work after school and in the evening and on the weekends and go to work early. There's something always going wrong or getting in the way (from someone else-- outside people or outside situations) that keep me from getting my work completely finished. Its so frustrating. I haven't been handling it well at all. I've lost a few pounds this month, as well as a few pieces of my mind I think. Just need to get through a few more days.
Something that has been helping is keeping a journal, but its an art journal, and we're still doing that. So we're all getting addicted to needing to do art nearly every day, although we rarely have time. Been spending a little bit of money on chalks, scrapbooking supplies, ink pads, things like that. We're starting to need artwork like we need air.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:59 PM | Comments (1)