jo screws up once again
Someone's birthday is in a few days.
once again i did something wrong.
i thought i would make this person a cake. i haven't before. its always been Carolineine or Pilgrim or mae. since i am around more lately i thought i would be nice and do it. i'm trying more stuff, you know? to see what i can learn to do. since i can't fold t-shirt right even, maybe i can do something nice to make a cake. ha ha ha ha ha. My self-esteem is rock bottom, and I keep trying things, and I keep failing, and I wonder why I try anymore.
i made the mistake of asking what kind he wanted. he said something like "the kind i always have- the usual."
So... i've never been out front for one of this guy's birthdays, because i've never wanted cake or to be around a happy celebration. so i dont know, i really don't know, what kind of cake is "the usual". I can think of 3 different kinds of cake my friend likes. I made the mistake of asking. I think I was supposed to just know, because he took offense. He got mad at me because I didn't think it was important enough to remember his favorite kind of cake. So he told me, and was really disappointed that I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to still make his cake, because its important to me. I'm trying to learn to do things RIGHT for a change. So I can't do laundry right or fold shirts right or get the dishes right. God there's got to be something. I wanted to do something to make him happy. So I offered to go to the store. But he said he doesn't want any cake on his birthday now. He decided it's not important. I tried telling him it IS important. He said its not, and to forget it.
I dont know what to do. I think he doesn't like us... so if I tell him that its me, jo, and that i'm only 17 and I've never made him a cake before or been at one of his birthdays before, he might just think I'm stupid and think that Pilgrim is using DID as an excuse for not remembering. Because we're always forgetting stuff. And we're not allowed to use DID as an excuse. We have to just say "I'm sorry" and move on, and not try to tell a reason for what happened.
I feel so stupid and bad and foolish. I just wanted to do something nice and fun for him and make a cake for his birthday. Even when I try to do something good, I screw it up! What am I ever going to do with my life? What about when I get older? How am I ever going to have a job or do anything if I can't get the simplest things right as a teenager?
jo
p.s. i hope this doesn't sound like a "oh poor me" post. i am so angry at myself that i want to bang my head into a wall. i want to do something RIGHT for a change and I am so sick of screwing things up.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
ditto what jax said. Is it possible to ask Caroline or anyone else a quick question when you're in that kind of situation? If she's the one who knows that kind of information, could you ask her right then or even later? I'm sure situations like this are frustrating, but don't give up on yourself. Obviously, you're a survivor -- you'll get this stuff!!!!
Hey
I think that is a great idea of Cricket's to make notes but main thing to be kind and compassionate to yourself. As Jax said it's the thought that counts and whilst it is horrible to be misunderstood YOU KNOW you were acting from good.
Take care Jo
Anna
Is your "friend" really your husband? Why can't you use DID as an excuse for not knowing or remembering something?
I know why she can't use it as an excuse. Same reasons I can't. Because, for one, it lowers the credibility of multiples as functional members of society. For two, and far more critically, it lowers the credibility of multiplicity as even a real condition, as opposed to an elaborate sympathy ploy or a way to escape responsibility. It's the reason my family doesn't even know. I have a history of being a pretty irresponsible and forgetful person one way or the other, whether the others are or not, and I'm afraid if I bring them up, my family won't even accept them as real because they'll think I'm making excuses. I don't even bring up problems in my life concerning this to my closest friends who know about it, because I don't want to give multiplicity in general (and my group in particular) a bad name. My biggest thing right now is getting past my old ways and gaining some credibility with the people I love so I can introduce everyone in here to them without being dismissed as a faker and a pity-seeker.
I know how you feel, Jo. It's an enormous burden. Don't give up. We're with you.
I can understand were Katscratch is coming from. I sometimes feel like if I even opened my mouth about having D.I.D. I'd be the girl everyone feels sorry for, the girl whos now the victim and sometimes even my closest friend doesn't totally believe me. Its really saddening to know someone you've trusted for so long really doesn't understand you.
and to jo: Don't worry about it, its just a cake! I know you wanted to do really good and thats all that matters. Just don't push yourself to hard. Hey, when all else fails..MAKE CHOCOLATE! Everyone likes chocolate now don't they? ^__^
-hugs-
Even I screw things up sometimes, but its not like you ended the world! Im sure you could make any food and have it turn out extreamly tasty! Its alrighty, we all make mistakes, we all forget!
Just know you did all that you could to make someone happy and I'm sure they appriciated it!
Sincerly,
Margo
hey jo,
i wonder why you're beating yourself up for not knowing something you couldn't possibly have known. if your friend knows about the DID then excuse or not, it is what it is. you didn't not know on purpose. you didn't even forgot. and it's not like the guy had it tattoo'd on his forehead.
i would make him a cake. and when you give it to him and wish him happy birthday just let him know that even you are human and can forget or not know things but you wanted to do this because he's important to you.
it's all about your intention .. and you intended to do a REALLY nice thing for someone. try to focus on the goal and not on the delivery.
and maybe in the future you could suggest to pilgrim or caroline or mae that they write these things down on the cover of your diary so that you know where to go to find the information. it's all about cooperation .. it's just harder for you cause you aren't just cooperating with your own brain.
ease up on yourself, k?
jax :-D