We've been gone on vacation. Its always scary going back, when either us or our therapist has been gone on break. We are always afraid that our therapist has changed, or left, or some mind-bending abandonment issue silliness like that. We just always get so jumpy. Been left by people too many times, its hard to trust. But always, our therapist comes back,always the same. Well last time we were all on vacation, Mae even told her that she figured she'd be there-- because she always is. FINALLY-- starting to trust her to be there after all these years, thank goodness! (Took long enough!)
Today we got back after yet another vacation. So I have been reassuring the inside kids-- our T will be the same, she'll be there, its going to be okay. They all wanted to talk to her, they all had news for her, and new toys from vacation to show her, and pictures, and some hard things to talk to her about too. They were all so anxious. Mae was really upset about something too, but just trying to hang on to get there, and see that T was the same, and still there.

But this time... T wasn't the same. :( So, my word went all to hell. I am not sure what Mae was saying, but she sensed something wasn't right... and T wasn't there for her... so Mae started asking questions, are you going away? Are you moving? leaving? I guess our therapist started getting upset, because Mae left. Although I'm sure there was more to that, because Mae was probably exasperating in some way (because she just IS). Tuck talked to our therapist for a little bit, and I think that things went better then.

But he asked her why she seemed mad at the grown ups, and she said its because she IS, upset with us because we dont' move on, and do what we need to do to get past all this crap, and she knows how great we could be because we're so talented and stuff, and we don't put forth a long enough sustained effort to get past all this stuff we deal with.. Ok, that's all fine. She was being honest, which was good. And we don't mind it when she says what she feels. but geesh, i felt crappy enough today. I kept telling Mae that our T was going to be THERE for her today. And the SAME. but she wasn't... and now mae doesn't feel safe... and the room didn't feel safe...and T was just aggravated today, didn't feel the same, So today was really disappointing for the kids, who had so much to say, and they ended up feeling worse, and didn't get to talk about all they needed. And I turned out to be a liar, because I promised them that our T would be the same and be there for them like she usually is.
And I don't know what was going on with T, and if she tells me at all, I have to wait 8 days to find out anything. She doesn't have any openings this week.
Yah I know, our T is human, maybe something else was going on. But she didn't SAY that. What she said was, she was frustrated with us, and how she was acting was that she didn't want to be talking about us, and she didn't have any helpful words today.
Yah I know, and I'm 17 and I am a stupid teenager and I misinterpret things and I know I am just saying things wrong somehow and someone my T is right and I am wrong.
But therapy made things worse today for the kids, and I feel like a total fool because last week I wrote to our therapist and admitted to her that I was starting to trust her (finally) and now I feel like a total IDIOT for saying that.
jo