Where did the time go? *losing time*
I am very confused and totally lost, and this is going to sound really weird. And I am only guessing at what i'm supposed to be doing here and getting by on what I've learned in the past week.
I can't even believe what's going on. I talked to my therapist yesterday, and she believed me, thank God, because I don't even know if I believe myself.
Last Wednesday, I woke up. Not just woke up but became aware of where I was. Out of the fog I've been in... out of my sleep, I guess. Sorry... there is no way I can make this sound not weird. Things felt different. My body felt different. I didn't remember falling asleep, I just remember the feeling of waking up.
Five years have passed inbetween falling asleep and waking up. The last thing I remember it was summer of 2002. And this is summer 2007. And I cannot figure out what's been going on.
I have got to be crazy, or schizophrenic... obviously, severly mentally unbalanced in someway.
The last thing that I remember is handing my therapist a note-- this big note I wrote about how I thought I was going crazy, and she told me, "Whatever this is, we'll deal with it". I had just gotten back from a trip home with my best friend. I remember sitting next to my therapist and watching her read the note. I don't remember getting up to leave. I don't remember anything happening after what she said.
And now I am 5 years older. And my therapist is in a new office and my sister has 2 kids and I have a new job and my best friend is gone for some reason and my dog that died hasn't come back :( and I have 4 dogs now and I have a different car and my living room is painted different and we have new carpet and there are scrapbooks of pictures with classes of kids that I don't recognize. And there are all kinds of things written in notebooks and online and everywhere that are written from "my" perspective but that I didn't write.
What the heck has been going on? Am I nuts? I can't even describe how weird this is.
I thought I was dreaming all this time. All the things that I guess were actually happening... I thought were just dreams while I was asleep.
But now that I feel awake, I'm finding things around the house that are real-- things there were in my dreams, they really exist.
I talked to my therapist for 2 hours yesterday. I asked her, "did this really happen? did that? did this?" She helped me a lot. She has a different office. She told me all kinds of things. I've been in the hospital? Like a Trauma program... I didn't have to go away to Remuda Ranch after all because of my eating disorder? (I remember her being really scared that I was going to die, and telling me that she called Remuda... apparently I didn't have to go.)
There are all kinds of PEOPLE who go around and talk to her. She TALKS to them. Like little kids and other adults and teenagers,and they all go talk to my therapist, and I was like, what the heck so we're talking multiple personalities here? ... I am never, ever saying those 2 words again because I'm so embarassed and ashamed. This can't be my life.
This has been going on for several days now and I have just just been shell shocked every time I am around. The fog in my head isn't there like it was. I mean in 2002. And it turns out that everyone else inside is all cooperating now and not fighting, and I eat and stuff, and that I didn't get hugely fat after all. Now instead of being in a constant panic and scared to death all the time, things inside are more organized... like thoughts and feelings have a place to go.
But all sorts of things-- that I don't know about. I am so overwhelmed. Tomorrow night when I have more time, I'm going to read through this entire journal and see if I can find some answers, because I'm so confused. Like where is my best friend? Why isn't her phone number on my cell phone anymore? How long ago did I get a new job at a new school? Where are the people online that I used to talk to? And why are new people online acting like they know me? I mean... apparently I KNOW them. I mean... they know everyone inside. There are a bunch of phone numbers of NEW friends... so I'm supposed to know them? When did my therapist get a new office? When did we get a big screen TV? Last I remember my sister was pregnant. Now she has 2 kids. How'd I miss that. I remember a dream of seeing her have the baby. Was that me watching someone else inside watch her have the baby for real? *I'm so confused.*
I am so happy that my therapist has stuck there by me. This has had to be so confusing. I told her yesterday I am so grateful. She is a good sport. She thinks its exciting to have me back. She said that just recently, everyone else was insisting that there WAS no adult Pilgrim. She thinks its a good sign and that things must be working well enough inside now that I've been "invited back". I dont know what else to say. I feel completely lost. Apparently I am one of "them", like another inside person or something. Apparently, THEY didn't know about me. I was that gone? And while I was gone, where was I? What the HELL? And who wrote all that stuff while using my name? And why are like 3 different people inside using MY NAME?
By the way, I'm 29. I thought I was turning 30 this year. Apparently not-- its 2007 (WOW) and I'm turning 35. Damn.
My head is spinning.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
hello,
my name is jackie. i live in toronto, canada.
i have been reading this journal for about 1 year now.
i'm sorry that things seem confusing and out of sorts for you. i hope that it all comes together quickly for you.
jax
Well, apparently the 14 year old Pilgrim was the one writing in here as Pilgrim. She was surprised recently to find out your therapist thought she was the adult Pilgrim. A lot of us thought she was an adult until she said that she was only 14. I hope to get to know you.
I was wondering if this would happen eventually. :-) Welcome back.
I think this may be the key that both S and I were waiting for.
I believe this is a good sign...things are going to start working better. I think there was a need to protect you from all that has happened, but also a reason why you felt like you were "dreaming". Most likely most of what you thought was a dream is real.
Hang in there...this is all going to come together. :-)
Love,
Your Sis