I just want to be an individual
Therapy sucks sometimes. I wish I could be like everyone else and just go by myself without an entire team following me around. This was going to be my turn to go talk to our therapist. I have been waiting a couple of weeks. And I have so much built up inside. I write her e mails, and I journal, and I make collages, and do cluster journalling, but there's only so much you can talk about in 2 hours. And then everyone else wants to talk about too. So today we got there, and our T said there was something she wanted to talk about too, from some workshop on trauma she went to that she thought would be helpful. I can't remember the order of how things went, because I have had really bad headaches for 4 days and I do remember warning her that we'd probably be very switchy because of the headaches. I remember our T and I talking for a few minutes. Next thing I know its the end of the session (nearly 2 hours later.) Turns out some of the kids (I guess) ended up talking most of the time. I dont even know what about.
So there goes another session. And now I have to wait til next week. T MIGHT have an opening on Thursday but doesnt know for sure yet.
Meanwhile I was there just long enough to get a bunch of crap stirred up inside me, then it was all of a sudden time to go. T tried to calm me down, sort of, but god i am nowhere near calmed down. I haave had enough. I am just going crazy. Now I have to wait AGAIN. And probably, someone else will interrupt next time too. T keeps talking about trusting the process. SURE. I am TRYING. But meanwhile, things keep piling up and piling up on top of me, and I just want to throw up or cut or jump off a bridge to get it all out of me before all the bad stuff inside strangles me to death.
I wish it was just me. I wish there weren't any inside kids. I wish I just could talk. Missy says to stop being such an angsty teenager. But I just need so much to talk to our therapist, with just some uninterrupted time. But it never happens. It always ends up being about taking care of the inside kids and making sure they feels safe. I am 17. i am not supposed to be taking care of a bunch of kids . i am so tired. i just want to be me.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Jo,
I don’t think we have met. I am Maia. I am sorry for today. That must be so frustrating. I know when I need to talk it drives me crazy until I do. If you ever want a friend to talk to just let me know. I do care and would like to be your friend if you need one.
Maia
Didn't you go to therapy last week? How did it go? You didn't mention it last week. I assume it went well?
Hi Jo
Jax has a good idea - do you have anyone else you can talk to before next week?
Anna
I've never commented before, but we've read the whole blog from beginning to end. I'm Toney and I'm one of several in our system and I just wanted to say that I too think that it sucks to not get to be an individual and to have to take care of others inside like littles and stuff and to get interrupted and to not get time with the T. alone. No suggestions or any crap like that cause I don't know what to do about it either. Just sayin' that I hear you and I agree. P.S. I'm 17 too and I like to go to the mall, but the others don't let me very much at all...sucky!
Thank you everyone. Toney, welcome, I hope you found reading this helpful.
This is Caroline. Luckily, thank God, our T has an opening tomorrow at 3:00. Things have been completely insane inside last night & today. So we will get a chance to talk about it tomorrow.
Maia, do you post on AMJ? If not you are welcome to join. So many of you who comment regularly on our journal-- if you would like to join, you're welcome to.
Caroline
Caroline,
Thank you so much for suggesting it. :-) Actually I have posted on AMJ. I found it through this site. My screen name there is oceanwalks if you want to look for me.
Could you please pass on to everyone else that I really appreciate all of you sharing you life with us online. You are ALL amazing people and deserve the best in life.
Maia
hi jo,
maybe you are already doing this but i wonder if making a list of the things you'd like to talk about would help.
if you write short sentences, enough just to remind you of what you need to talk about while you are in the moment, it might help to keep you focused so that you can maintain control while the chaos is surrounding you.
also with the list in hand it might help the others to see that you have a goal for the appointment.
anyway, i hope you get your chance to talk soon.