June 1, 2007

Today is our first actual day of summer off, on our own by ourselves. Its really nice to have days like this. We can all do what we want, when we ant to-- we have free time, and there's no one home, no place to go, no schedule to keep. There's no pressure to keep from switching. We can also change our hair and our clothes if we want to (only 3 hairstyles today so far-- 1 ponytail, 2 ponytails, and hanging down). We can talk out loud if we want to and do our own things. There's no one to notice. So far today Mae watched Sesame Street, Missy did some school work, we did some exercise and then played with our dogs, had some lunch. The kids also want to color, Tuck wants to play ball, Carolineine wants some signs made for our classroom but she is taking time off so I'm going to do it because I like art (jo), and everyone wants to work together on our scrapbook. Tuck wrote a story for Mae last night and drew her a picture. It would also be nice to take a nap later, even though we didn't wake up until 11:30 today.
Tomorrow I have a support group I have to go to... which I don't really want to, but our T talked to Mae about it the other day (the stuff we were complaining about in this journal a couple weeks ago) and now we understand much better about why we need to go, so I don't have so much of a problem with it. I'll write about that tomorrow after I go to it.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 12:44 PM | Comments (2)

June 6, 2007

I am very confused and totally lost, and this is going to sound really weird. And I am only guessing at what i'm supposed to be doing here and getting by on what I've learned in the past week.
I can't even believe what's going on. I talked to my therapist yesterday, and she believed me, thank God, because I don't even know if I believe myself.
Last Wednesday, I woke up. Not just woke up but became aware of where I was. Out of the fog I've been in... out of my sleep, I guess. Sorry... there is no way I can make this sound not weird. Things felt different. My body felt different. I didn't remember falling asleep, I just remember the feeling of waking up.
Five years have passed inbetween falling asleep and waking up. The last thing I remember it was summer of 2002. And this is summer 2007. And I cannot figure out what's been going on.
I have got to be crazy, or schizophrenic... obviously, severly mentally unbalanced in someway.
The last thing that I remember is handing my therapist a note-- this big note I wrote about how I thought I was going crazy, and she told me, "Whatever this is, we'll deal with it". I had just gotten back from a trip home with my best friend. I remember sitting next to my therapist and watching her read the note. I don't remember getting up to leave. I don't remember anything happening after what she said.
And now I am 5 years older. And my therapist is in a new office and my sister has 2 kids and I have a new job and my best friend is gone for some reason and my dog that died hasn't come back :( and I have 4 dogs now and I have a different car and my living room is painted different and we have new carpet and there are scrapbooks of pictures with classes of kids that I don't recognize. And there are all kinds of things written in notebooks and online and everywhere that are written from "my" perspective but that I didn't write.
What the heck has been going on? Am I nuts? I can't even describe how weird this is.
I thought I was dreaming all this time. All the things that I guess were actually happening... I thought were just dreams while I was asleep.

But now that I feel awake, I'm finding things around the house that are real-- things there were in my dreams, they really exist.
I talked to my therapist for 2 hours yesterday. I asked her, "did this really happen? did that? did this?" She helped me a lot. She has a different office. She told me all kinds of things. I've been in the hospital? Like a Trauma program... I didn't have to go away to Remuda Ranch after all because of my eating disorder? (I remember her being really scared that I was going to die, and telling me that she called Remuda... apparently I didn't have to go.)
There are all kinds of PEOPLE who go around and talk to her. She TALKS to them. Like little kids and other adults and teenagers,and they all go talk to my therapist, and I was like, what the heck so we're talking multiple personalities here? ... I am never, ever saying those 2 words again because I'm so embarassed and ashamed. This can't be my life.
This has been going on for several days now and I have just just been shell shocked every time I am around. The fog in my head isn't there like it was. I mean in 2002. And it turns out that everyone else inside is all cooperating now and not fighting, and I eat and stuff, and that I didn't get hugely fat after all. Now instead of being in a constant panic and scared to death all the time, things inside are more organized... like thoughts and feelings have a place to go.
But all sorts of things-- that I don't know about. I am so overwhelmed. Tomorrow night when I have more time, I'm going to read through this entire journal and see if I can find some answers, because I'm so confused. Like where is my best friend? Why isn't her phone number on my cell phone anymore? How long ago did I get a new job at a new school? Where are the people online that I used to talk to? And why are new people online acting like they know me? I mean... apparently I KNOW them. I mean... they know everyone inside. There are a bunch of phone numbers of NEW friends... so I'm supposed to know them? When did my therapist get a new office? When did we get a big screen TV? Last I remember my sister was pregnant. Now she has 2 kids. How'd I miss that. I remember a dream of seeing her have the baby. Was that me watching someone else inside watch her have the baby for real? *I'm so confused.*
I am so happy that my therapist has stuck there by me. This has had to be so confusing. I told her yesterday I am so grateful. She is a good sport. She thinks its exciting to have me back. She said that just recently, everyone else was insisting that there WAS no adult Pilgrim. She thinks its a good sign and that things must be working well enough inside now that I've been "invited back". I dont know what else to say. I feel completely lost. Apparently I am one of "them", like another inside person or something. Apparently, THEY didn't know about me. I was that gone? And while I was gone, where was I? What the HELL? And who wrote all that stuff while using my name? And why are like 3 different people inside using MY NAME?
By the way, I'm 29. I thought I was turning 30 this year. Apparently not-- its 2007 (WOW) and I'm turning 35. Damn.
My head is spinning.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:14 PM | Comments (3)

June 7, 2007

its jo.
The new girl/old girl who's back/ whoever she is went to see our nutrionist tonight. Boy was that a disaster. She tried answering questions--we haven't been there since February. But then our nutritionist asked who she was talking to, because apparently our therapist tells her to make sure she gets an answer out of us about which person she's talking to... anyway, so that left old/new Pilgrim having to admit that she's only been back for 7 days and that she has been gone for 5 years and that she had no idea what has been going on. So now she is all humiliated and embarassed.
Anyway so... we NEED TO FIND A SCALE of our own. Because our nutritionist is all worried because we've lost "a lot of weight!" just since February and she won't tell us how much, and how she wants us to gain weight (don't think so!!) and how our weight is too low (SURE.) But she weighs us backwards so we can't see the number. But she won't TELL us even how much we weigh. Which is stupid because she knows we can just go get on a scale at school or on any other scale. Which is exactly what I plan to do tomorrow. But anyway. So now she's all worried and going to call my therapist to tell her about how this number is so low, and find out what our therapist thinks, and who knows what she will say. Everybody has been eating a lot better and even though it isn't much mostly everyone eats what they want when they want it. I still have problems sometimes but wouldn't you know it that's when one of the kids comes along and eats a spoonful of peanut butter or a hamburger. So no wonder we're still so fat.
Anyway so now I'm all scared about what our therapist is going to say.
Although our nutritionist is raising her rates, even to those of us she gives cut rates to, so we can't afford to go back anyway.
I need to find a scale. One that measures, like body fat and bmi or something. Because we have all these muscles now from lifting weights and doing Tae Bo. And our body feels strong and healthy so this whole thing about our nutritionist worrying about eating disorder stuff just seems too crazy. And who knows what our therapist is going to say. They're friends and they are probably on the phone together talking about what they're going to do to us. :(

Posted by pilgrim at 5:30 PM | Comments (3)

June 12, 2007

Well if that isn't just the oddest thing ever, to be told. To have to keep your weight up. How bizzare is that? I dont know. After all this time of trying to eat more, do LESS eating disorder stuff, our weight falls anyway.. now isn't THAT great news! But instead it feels like we're in trouble for it because we have to be watched more closely I guess. I can't explain it like our therapist did today though... I don't know. Its not like we're really in trouble, but it FEELS like we are. Therapist and nutritionist "talked". (agh.) I guess they're just trying to figure out WHY our weight dropped so much if (if?) we're eating/exercising how much we say we do. I explained to her today that YES, we tell the truth. I guess its not that T doesn't believe me, its just that they dont know why our weight would have dropped so much. How about maybe that our metabolism might be finally coming back to life after all these years? And finally actually working again? Or that since we're eating healthier foods now (instead of sugar & emtpy calories, we eat protein and fruit) its making our body work right. I wonder could we be that lucky at LAST? God, wouldn't that be NICE?
The terror of gaining weight is still there though. It could end any day. We're not allowed to lose any more weight. So what if I stopped trying to lose weight, and all of a sudden started gaining huge amounts? Terrifying. Oh PLEASE, let this just be a gift that our body is working right again after all these years of eating disorder abuse.
One of the hard things is that we don't always know what each other eats and does.
Tuck loves late night raid-the-peanut-butter-jar-snacks. Extra crunchy peanut butter, by the way. He'll stick a huge spoon in the pb and just lick it off. Oh and he loves to pour chocolate chips in the peanut butter and scoop them out and eat them that way. Me, I prefer a little marshmallow creme/ peanut butter mixture instead. Others like Carolineine are smooth peanut butter eaters. The problem is that Tuck always forgets to write down that he had a snack. Then Mae also goes to get a snack-- a brownie out of the freezer. And she doesn't write it down either. The next day we're all confused. We had SOMETHING last night, what was it? Should we write down what we think one of the kids had? Why IS the peanut butter disappearing? Hey who ate a brownie? How many fruit roll ups did we have left the other day because the box is empty now... but there are only 2 written down on the food journal. AGH.
So our therapist wants us to keep better food journals. I dont know.. I guess we have to, but I think its a bummer that 5 year olds and 8 year olds have to write down everything that goes in their mouth just because someone they know has an e.d. *shrug* But i'm just 17 and that's just my opinion.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 5:25 PM | Comments (7)

June 16, 2007

Really overwhelmed. We have lots of new people in our life. People from church and people from husband's job and people from a support group. All within the last few weeks. Its supposed to be good for us but mostly its overwhelming. The people are nice, good people, that we like (mostly). Its just too much too fast. Don't know how regular people handle all this on a regular basis. Its good to get out and do things. And put yourself out there. Good to know lots of people. We know this. But its so uncomfortable and WAY too overwhelming to have places to go and things to do EVERY weekend. We crave,need,DESPERATELY need, a lot of time alone. There are a lot of us inside here. We have a lot of things we all want to do. Read, play, get on the computer, make crafts, design websites, go for walks, do Tae Bo, watch movies, take naps, play with the pets, go shopping, go to the library, make collages, draw, fingerpaint, play Playstation 2, journal, etc etc etc There isn't enough time in 1 day for us to do the stuff we want. Its helpful to have a lot of time alone and we're not getting it these days which just adds to the stress we're under inside. Too much.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:58 PM | Comments (11)

June 26, 2007

Therapy sucks sometimes. I wish I could be like everyone else and just go by myself without an entire team following me around. This was going to be my turn to go talk to our therapist. I have been waiting a couple of weeks. And I have so much built up inside. I write her e mails, and I journal, and I make collages, and do cluster journalling, but there's only so much you can talk about in 2 hours. And then everyone else wants to talk about too. So today we got there, and our T said there was something she wanted to talk about too, from some workshop on trauma she went to that she thought would be helpful. I can't remember the order of how things went, because I have had really bad headaches for 4 days and I do remember warning her that we'd probably be very switchy because of the headaches. I remember our T and I talking for a few minutes. Next thing I know its the end of the session (nearly 2 hours later.) Turns out some of the kids (I guess) ended up talking most of the time. I dont even know what about.
So there goes another session. And now I have to wait til next week. T MIGHT have an opening on Thursday but doesnt know for sure yet.
Meanwhile I was there just long enough to get a bunch of crap stirred up inside me, then it was all of a sudden time to go. T tried to calm me down, sort of, but god i am nowhere near calmed down. I haave had enough. I am just going crazy. Now I have to wait AGAIN. And probably, someone else will interrupt next time too. T keeps talking about trusting the process. SURE. I am TRYING. But meanwhile, things keep piling up and piling up on top of me, and I just want to throw up or cut or jump off a bridge to get it all out of me before all the bad stuff inside strangles me to death.
I wish it was just me. I wish there weren't any inside kids. I wish I just could talk. Missy says to stop being such an angsty teenager. But I just need so much to talk to our therapist, with just some uninterrupted time. But it never happens. It always ends up being about taking care of the inside kids and making sure they feels safe. I am 17. i am not supposed to be taking care of a bunch of kids . i am so tired. i just want to be me.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 3:23 PM | Comments (7)

June 27, 2007

Its after midnight but I wish so much I had someone to talk to. Last night was so rough and today was such a hard day inside that I just feel completely frazzled and worn out. And I just want someone to talk to me. Or someone to talk to. Just something. Company. Someone to watch tv with. I don't know. Anything. Tomorrow we're going to see our therapist. Thank God she had an opening. I'm so glad. It doesn't even need to be me now that goes to talk to her. I can wait til next week, its ok. Just whoever talked to her yesterday that got all worked up and started causing all these problems inside, THEY can go talk to her, I want her to help them so that inside can stop being such chaos. I got a nice e mail from T this morning that helped me feel a little better. Encouraging. I just wish I had someone to talk to right now though too... even though its the middle of the night. I am lonely.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 10:17 PM | Comments (4)