Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was difficult.
We went to see my husband's family. They are really nice people. I like really nice people.
I wanted to sit and talk with them. I wanted to sit and chat and have turkey and just sit there and be normal. They were all doing it-- socializing. Eating. Watching football. Standing in the kitchen and talking. It all LOOKED so EASY.
I could NOT do it. I kept trying to make my mouth open to say something. Inside we were switching-- someone, say SOMETHING.
Nothing.
I went outside to hang out with the dogs a lot.
I was outside staring out at the lake wishing that Carolineine would just come and do this. Sometimes though she just leaves me be when she wants me to figure out how to do something on my own. I was just standing there wondering how people know what to talk about. I want to figure that out. Everyone in there just was just TALKING. And they were laughing. My husband said its just that they are a bunch of family and know each other mostly. But even still, I feel like that in my OWN family too. I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know how to relate to them. I don’t understand their body language or their expressions on their faces. I don’t know how to tell if someone is being literal or if they’re just teasing. Missy picks up on sarcasm and teasing, but it goes right over my head and I feel so stupid. And some stuff, I don’t know how people are supposed to care about. Hubbt said, get people to talk about themselves, that’s how you start talking to strangers, that is how you start a conversation. He said, ask someone what they do, and they’ll start talking. But what do I really care what a stranger does? So what if they’re painting their living room blue or if their trim is light green or sort of beige? (This is what people were talking about in the house.) so what? And this matters, HOW, exactly? There are kids starving and animals dying and a world that needs changing, what difference does it make if someone’s trying to decide if they should have pink towels or peach towels in their bathroom? Why? I mean, I WANT it to matter... it matters to them. But why does it matter? If i were talking about that stuff, I wouldn't expect anyone else to care. Who cares what color I am painting my bathroom, what color belt I'm going to wear, what great deal I got when I went to Target?How am I supposed to react when people say these things to me? What are the required facial expressions when someone tells you these things? I mean, I DON’T want to be rude, either… but I don’t get it. Who made up the rules of social interaction that says, she talks, I talk, she talks, I talk. When I’d rather be sitting in the corner with the cat in my lap? I felt like an alien. I didn’t understand a word anyone was saying, so I just pretended to listen, and smiled like an idiot.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
You must be my twin. I totally understand what you're saying. Do you feel like everyone else has some vital piece of knowledge, that you don't have, about the rules of being human? Maybe we are aliens, from the same planet? If you work this stuff out, please blog about it.
i'm here to tell you that there isn't a secret key that will unlock this for you .. it just takes work and practice.
i think i was very lucky to have a mother that practiced the art of conversation and debate with me. and soon i even became better than her. she often says that when i turned 10 she never won another argument.
that said i often feel frustrated at functions. what drives me the most nuts is when people ask me a question and before i finish MY response they walk away. i mean REALLY!! if you don't want to hear the answer .. don't ask the question.
so while you're practicing just remember that you have to be prepared for the answer .. listen and then respond.
and such is conversation.
I feel the same way. So much talk seems so unimportant. Certainly *I* have nothing to say that could be anymore important than what others have to say. So I keep my mouth shut. I wander around, stopping for moments at a time to listen in on these conversations going on around me.
But I do wonder, is the truth of it simply that I *feel* unimportant?
Is that part of it for you?
we also have a hard time conversing often because the talk is about something we do not care about. my passions ar my art and helping other DID's and survivors. Not many people care about that so I stay to myself.
peace
keepers
Don't concern yourself too much with how people interact in this world. No one said people are doing a good job or know what they're doing on this earth.
light conversation, even for great conversationalists is often preferred during the holidays. no one wants to get into a political debate and ruin the holidays for other people.
here's an idea that might work for you.
try to think of a topic that means something to you ahead of time. and then assign that topic to a particular person.
if you try to start the conversation you will find that you have more control over it which may be more comfortable for you.
one idea might be to approach the "moms" of the group and start by saying "at school this past week my kids did a really great craft project .. i thought you'd be interested ..." And once you've told the mom about the project things will flow naturally because she'll be able to tell you about what her kids were doing at their school.
believe it or not, it's that easy.
this is the kind of topic you can use over and over again because every week at school is new and different.
anyway don't be discouraged. conversation, even the light, fluffy type requires practice.
one last thing .. does your husband's family know about your DID and basics of your history? maybe you're having trouble because you're afraid of outing yourself and freaking them out. if this is the case, perhaps your husband can help to smooth things out in the beginning and be there to support you should something come up.