October 3, 2006

this is just jo.
i went to therapy tonight after mae had a chance to talk.
i dont know what is wrong with me.

Been in therapy for 6 years and she's tried every angle she can think of. I still take it all out on myself. Still think that its all my fault. Still blame myself. I was the one who went out on the 1st date. I wanted attention. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone to like me. I just didn't know that it would lead to being trapped in a 5 year abusive relationship. I didn't know that it would lead to being raped. I didn't know all those bad things would happen.
I was 17 and SO FUCKING STUPID!! It had to be all my fault! I wore a dress! I wanted attention! I believed all his lies. He said I was so sexy he couldn't keep his hands off me. He said I was beautiful.

he was so much bigger than me. i couldnt get him off me. he held his hands over my mouth. i was terrified of him. i was terrified of saying no.

but how can it NOT be my fault? It HAD to be. It HAD to be. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself.

i still cut. i still starve myself. i still yell at myself and pound my fist into the steering wheel. my fault. my fault.

My T says to move past this, one thing I HAVE to do is be able to accept that it wasn't my fault. Say it wasn't my fault.
I WANT TO SAY IT. I DO.
I DO.
How do I make myself say it out loud? How do I believe that it wasn't MY fault?
I always believe it is never any womans/girl's fault. (EXCEPT MINE-- because I am more horrible, more ugly, more fat, more bad than everyone else)
How do I believe it for myself?
How do I make myself say it out loud?
I want to be able to say it when I go to T next Tuesday.
I want so much to move on. I'm so tired of being stuck.
Please, help me figure this out.....

Posted by pilgrim at 6:56 PM | Comments (2)

October 9, 2006

Its well-known (unfortunately) that fall is a hard time for us. October is the usual downfall. All summer, and into September, everyone is doing ok. Then October 1st hits, with its anniversary of the 1st date, and things quickly plummet downhill. Then comes self-hate, losing weight, falling back into bad habits like cutting and starving and switching more often, and by November, we're all a mess.It takes until March or so to straighten things out. Lather, rinse, and repeat each October, year after year.
Well this year we are doing everything we can think of do prevent the downfall and have been working hard on that.
Work is crazy insane all of the time and we're all completely stressed out. But on the weekends, we sleep as much as possile. We are making time to go to the dietician who is trying to help keep us on track. Therapy is hard but even Jo is not giving up and keeps trying to reframe her thoughts. Something intrestesting that we read in the newspaper yesterday-- that when you're trying to give up a bad habit or addiction, you're not so much as giving it up as ESCAPING IT- that helped us think of this in a new way. Also, we're paying more attention to our sensory integration problems and doing more about it such as getting a weighted blanket and reading books on Sensory Integration Disorder (I'll write more about that in another post) to find things to help ourselves out like we help our students, which also calm us down, especially Mae and Jo. We also may get another light box (one of those full spectrum ones) like we used to have a long time ago to help us through the long winter nights to give us more exposure to sunlight... when we had one before, it helped a lot.
So those are just some of the things that will hopefully help this fall and keep us from falling so far backwards. This year we want to move forwards and make it out of this mess.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:58 AM | Comments (1)

October 11, 2006

On Monday I went to see my dietician. She is really great. But she's been wanting us to keep track of EVERY single thing we eat for the past week and write it down. This is our 2nd attempt at this task (the last time failed miserably.) So on Monday she went over all of this with me. Apparently, even though I tried to pay attention, everyone inside was still telling her things that they were eating that were not written down on the food records. This, of course, is very frustrating to her. I didn't know what to say, except that honestly, I wasn't really around at all until the moment when she called me into her office and that's why I didn't really know what was going on all week. I admitted that I KNEW I'd know more if I was around more and paying attention. I saw THAT look in her eye that she was going to give me a lecture about being present more so I would know what everyone was doing. I just didn't want to hear it right then as I was already feeling guilty enough for not filling all the food reports out right. Told her to save the lecture, I knew I'd get it on Tuesday from my therapist, and from everyone inside. I hear it all the time anyway.
I know, I know-- I complain about not knowing what's going on, but I don't know what's going on because I don't put forth the effort to be around and be present when someone else is at the front. I know, I know.
I could feel my ears burning on Monday night.
Tuesday we went to therapy. I think Mae talked for a while... and Jo. I'm not sure what order. Then my T wanted to talk to ME. AAAGGGHH.
I already knew what I was in for.THE LECTURE ON PILGRIM YOU NEED TO BE AROUND MORE AND STOP DISSOCIATING SO MUCH AND YOU NEED TO BE AROUND IN YOUR LIFE AND STOP DISAPPEARING.
And I hate that look she gets in her eye! Especially when she crosses her arms and gets that grin on her face and leans back in her chair. I think I hid under a pillow crying inside to Carolineine to SAVE ME!! NOW!! "OH LORD I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOURE GOING TO SAY! DONT YELL AT ME!!!" I told my T. " I ALREADY KNOW WHATS COMING" I HATE it when she gets that mischievous LOOK, "Oh yes you sure DO." She didn't yell (I almost wish she would yell... it'd be easier to take than her being nice, you know?)
I wonder if my dietician even waited for me to leave the PARKING LOT before she waited to call my therapist. I swear, they are in cahoots. :-p
Well at least I know they care.
And guess what, I have to go back in 2 weeks to my dietician, and do the whole food report thing all over again. Not just for 1 week this time, but for 2. I dont even know HOW I'm going to manage that. I could barely get 1 week done.
I TRY to stay organized. And not lose my papers. And remember everything. I dont want the job. Carolineine is so much better at it. What's so wrong with Carolineine having the job of memory keeper/organizer if SHE is the one who is good at it? Why do I have to be the one who stays present when Carolineine is much better at it, and it comes to her naturally?
hmph.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:17 PM | Comments (2)

October 13, 2006

I am going crazy . I got barely any sleep last night . I couldn't shut my brain off when I woke up in the middle of the night-- too much talking in my head. So when it was time to get up today I was already just exhausted. I couldn't manage to eat today much so I felt sick to my stomach.Then this afternoon at school, I spent 2 hours doing report cards on a program on my computer and kept saving everything...then when I went to print the report cards out for all my kids, it was oddly enough,printing them all BLANK. .... I went back into the program, and found ALL the report cards (and my 2 hours of work) all ERASED. This was at the very end of the day. Report cards need to be turned in 1st thing Monday morning. I felt like I was going to have a stroke because I have to do all that work over again.
There are also several other things going on at home that I just can't deal with right now. Too much. Tonight my husband got mad at me for about the 3rd time today and I felt like a total idiot who can't do a thing right. It was just too much. I went into another room where I hide because I couldn't keep tears from coming. Yet again. I feel like I've been crying every time I'm alone today. I was trying hard to not cry tonight and kept telling the tears to just go away. Thankfully Mae just came and took over-- I felt her coming and I just let her. She got her letter writing tablet and started practicing her ABC's. Its just better if I be invisible. I can't handle the things that are going on, and I'm so tired of feeling stupid, retarded, and worthless. Between report cards being erased and not getting things just the way my husband wants them at home, I'd rather just be invisible.
Pilgrim

Posted by pilgrim at 9:55 PM | Comments (0)

October 23, 2006

I'm so overhwlmed the past couple of weeks and it keeps getting worse. My dog is sick and at the vets, my husband needs surgery, our bills are piling up. My paycheck went down this year, because the government must think that teachers are worthless. I saw this morning on the news that it takes Howard Stern something like only 24 seconds to earn $1,000 but it takes a teacher 43 hours. What the hell is it with peoples' priorities? Last week and this week I am overwhelmed at school with "Fall Festivities" that are certain to grind me and the other teachers into the ground-- how much fesitivity can we all take before we collapse? Between book fair, fall festival, Halloween preparations, a parade, fall games, literacy celebrations, a door decorating contest, school dress up day, and 4 meetings this week alone, when am I supposed to teach? Plus today I attended a meeting and found out "Y'all ARE doing THIS paperwork TOO, every day, RIGHT?" Ummm.... NO... but I guess I'll get right on that.... that's on top of the daily paperwork I learned we had to do LAST WEEK. OH MY GOD. Someone just hang me upside down now and slap me silly, because I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Tomorrow after school I have therapy, then Wednesday after the staff meeting I see my nutritionist. I doubt that I will be conscious for either one.
Not sleeping, too worried about things that are going on to eat, got a stomach ache all the time, worried half to death about my family, scared half to death about my dog, and the 5 year anniversary of when my other dog died is coming up this week.
I don't know how I'm going to make it.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:51 PM | Comments (4)

October 26, 2006

things are switching around inside
we have been sick, and have had a high fever. the kind where you can't get comfortable and have strange dreams, and funny things happen while you're away because your brain is too hot. it feels like my brain is moving around, like people are switching places inside. i dont know what's going on. everyone's talking back and forth. jo figured something out. she can write about it later. we keep switching so fast, like we're a revolving door turning around too quickly. missed two days of work but its ok. sleeping on the couch having funny dreams and trying to write in our journal but i dont know if anything makes sense. inside we hear dad yelling, and the ex boyfriend yelling, and can't tell if its real or a dream or a nightmare or a flashback. its hard to tell. dumb fever. its hard to tell if you're awake or asleep. maybe nothing i say makes sense.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 AM | Comments (2)