Worrying what people think of me
I got made fun of today.
It really shouldn't bother me. I'm trying not to let it. Trying to keep it in perspective.
But knowing myself, I'm going to stew over it for a while and let it hurt my feelings before I finally let it go.
Well, I'm trying to not let it hurt my feelings. Its more of a general "I wish these kinds of things just didn't happen" sort of feeling. Its nothing I'm taking too personally.
We were at a waterpark today. With our DH, a surprise day off at last before my head exploded from stress. There was a wave pool. Favorite thing at the waterpark. The waves go around and around--- of the lift you off your feet and let you feel weighless variety. At the waterpark, I was just sort of chilling out. Letting Mae, Tuck, and Blue talk-- and letting the rest of the inside kids watch. Jo watched but didn't talk. Carolineine and I were the adults there talking to our husband. Well in the wave pool-- thats all of our favorite.
But Mae gets so excited when the waves come around-- and she loves to talk about it, the weightless feeling. I could hear her go on and on-- "It goes so high!" "Watch me watch me!" and things like that.
One time I heard her say "I like to jump!"
And some teenage girl behind us says, "Did you hear that lady? [imitating Mae's little girl voice] 'I like to juuuuummmp!!!' " Mae looked behind herself and saw the girl and disappeared. The teenagers friend saw me staring at her and told her friend, "Shut up, okay?!"
I was so embarassed though. Then I faded back again. I dont handle embarassment well. Mae didn't talk again for a while. She just rode the waves and smiled at my husband.
It struck me again how ridiculously stupid I must seem to the outside world. And to my husband.
Our voices change.(And vocabulary, and tone, and who knows what else.) It must sound so stupid when Mae's 5 year old voice comes out of a grown up's body.
I heard Mae's voice on the answering machine once. It startled me-- I'd never heard it before. It does sound very small. My voice isn't all that strong or great. But Missy's voice--- its strong. So is Carolineine's-- she talks like a teacher. I know that Tuck stutters some so he doesn't talk out loud much, not when we are around people. He mostly talks out loud when we are alone.
It scares me, what people might think of me.
Really, it shouldn't I guess. The opinion of some 15 year old girl in a pool in another city who I will never see again-- who cares what she thinks, right? I guess?
I guess what I really worry about is what my husband, my family, my therapist think of me. I embarass myself enough. Its not like I need the help of a bunch of inside people too.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Dumb girl :-( *grrr*
There is NOTHING wrong with letting your inner child come out and play. I get made fun of too...I like to do silly things in public. Like wear a funny hat or pinch DH and run, etc. People look at me funny. Are people not allowed to play? To have fun? To express themselves in a childlike way? Apparently no. Please don't stuff yourself or Mae down. Be free. People need to see that. Everyone needs to be more child-like and free.
If I was with you, people would have been staring at me too. We didn't get to be kids when we WERE kids. Now it's our time.
Love
Your Sis
To me you have no reason to be embarassed. keepers used to come out a lot, littles I mean, but not so much anymore and that is a shame. By knowing them I actually get to know my wife when she was a little girl not just as a woman.
Has she had people look at her oddly, yeah but i say "sc*** 'em".
that's just my opinion, i also see your side and hers because it hurts when people are so crule about something they don't even understand and probably couldn't comprehend anyway. Little minds get you little thoughts and that is what the 15 yr old girl did.
peace and blessings
john w
I worry what others will think when I switch. People that know me, people out in pubic, wherever...I worry they'll know. I'm not ashamed of the insiders at all but I know others dont understand what they are looking at. THAT 15 year old child has not yet learned when to open her mouth and when not to. It appears that her friend knows a little more than she does and has the inner strength to speak when it isn't what in agreement with her peers/friends. Those are the kind of kids that make adults proud. When you remember the ignorant child please also remember the careing one who knew the other kid was dead wrong for laughing that way. You got made fun of but you also were stuck up for, protected and that other person knew that you are a human being and that human beings have feelings. Two things happened that day Pilgrim so please let little Mae know that someone else knew it was not a laughing matter that a small voice in an adult body liked the feel of the waves.
smiles to you and yours,
Austin
Your sister is right, you didnt get to be kids when you were a kid. Now is your time so seize the moment when you can.
Austin
Austin made a terrific point: the l5 year old who made fun was not the only person there. I'll bet that more mature friend has to reign in the outspoken one quite often.
I've been thinking about this post and wanted to tell you that I worry what people think of me. Will they think I'm stupid. Will they think I'm strong but when I fall will they be caught totally off guard? Will they view me differently if I crumble? What happens if I do something profoundly stupid and out of character, will people count me among the fakes and those who can't be trusted? I worry every single step of the way but the point is, I step and I keep stepping because when it comes down to it the critical people focus on the strong because they know they can never ever measure up or keep in step with that higher level of goodness of heart and purity of intentions.
Austin
There's actually a website dedicated to this topic called
www.whatdopeoplethinkaboutme.com
hope it helps!
one day that 15 year old girl is going to look back at her boring life and wonder where her inner child went. you all have a very unique gift that most adults lose. the ability to enjoy life like it is meant to be enjoyed. there's a saying that goes around the internet quite a bit .. where so called "normal" adults strive to meet this. "Dance like no one is watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth." I'm betting that when she hits 30, the merits of this saying will be lost on that 15 year old girl. And that is truly sad.