Group therapy for DID
Sometimes I wonder why I even go to group.
i ran out again. slammed the door, and ran out.
i am such a stupid fat disaster of an idiot.
it wasn't me that went. it was Carolineine. It started off fine. Her talking about her classroom-- the T's wanted her to bring pictures, so she did. So they asked her about her class, her kids,how come she is so good with little kids and all that. And Caroline, the T we like, had to leave. So that left the 2 other T's, and this new lady. The new lady was really nice. We liked her a lot. She just got of out of the trauma program at the hospital where our husband is on staff, so we can't comment much or give any feedback really. Just sort of smile and nod, you know? Can't talk about our husband in group then, if someone just came from _____ hospital-- they might know my husband.
Anyway.New lady started talking about her past abuse and went in detail. WAY in detail. So the grown ups left, left me there. Listening.
I started shaking and crying but I curled up in a ball so no one could see. You know how you learn how to cry real quiet so no one in the room can tell you're crying? I was frozen. I couldn't move or talk or anything. And I was having flashbacks and body memories SO BAD.
And I kept thinking, we went through it from age 3-24, and NO ONE EVER KNEW. and if feels like it KILLED ME.
and this lady is moving on and she went through this good hospital program .
And they just left me alone even though they could tell something was wrong and i felt so ignored and i couldn't make myself talk or breathe right or look up
finally i got up and ran out and when i got up they were like, "we're here for you" and i thought the hell you are and I ran out, ran to the car, took off too fast and sped down the hallway.
And Missy yells at me, "Jo, you're so moody. Quit acting like such a teenager.
well hell how am I SUPPOSED to act? Like i"m 49? I'm 17. How am i supposed to act.
i just need to leave if I find out that Caroline isn't going to stay at group. she is the only one i feel safe around there. :(
they kept asking the other lady all these questions that helped her talk about what happened. I wish someone would ask me questions like that. . Just saying to me, "what to you need to talk about" and waiting for me to talk is too big for me anymore. i dont know how to talk about it anymore. its all too big. its all too much, too fast, too big. i feel like i'm suffocating. Too many bad people, too many times, too many years.
And then the grown ups say things to me like "When you do that it makes us look bad."
"Running away didn't work when we were 14, it doesn't work now either."
And then they try to compliment me because I didn't cut when I got home like I wanted to. Fuck them and trying to patronize me.
i dont know what to do. jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I, personally, cannot stay in a group where I don't feel safe. It seems to me that your group should have some safety measures in place, like warning when things about to be shared could be triggering and then paying attention when other group members start to dissociate. Hhmmm...I'm kinda angry for and with you that this happened to you. I'm so sorry it did.
Hi Jo
you are absolutely right, you are 17 and cannot be expected to react as anything but!! It also seemed to be very insensitive of them in thier reactions and allowing the in depth details of someones abuse, they should know how triggering that would be and if they don't perhaps they are not the ones to be running this group!
You did nothing wrong in my opinion except feel and that is not wrong in any way.
peace and blessings
john w and keepers