A weight crisis, eating disorder help
My treatment team didnt want me to know my weight. I KNOW I SHOULDNT KNOW MY WEIGHT. NOT ready to hear it. NO NO NO.
Yesterday I went to a new doctor. His nurse put me on the scale-- I put my back to it and closed my eyes. I THOUGHT it was a clear signal of "I dont want to know!" But she said my weight out loud.
i am so embarassed.
XXX
My low weight was under 100.
Now since I started treatment 6 tears ago, I've gone up to THAT!!!?
I am so humiliated.
Granted--- I had just had breakfast and a diet pepsi, hadn't gone to the bathroom, was in my clothes and shoes, and have been drinking tons of water lately. OKay, so subract a few pounds from all that-- so maybe I'm still in the XXX's. Still too high!! I am only 5'4" tall.
Also, my muscles have gotten really strong in my legs, and I logically KNOW that muscle weighs more than fat. I am even proud of how muscular my legs are and how strong they are. Stronger than most people my age, I'd imagine. (I am in my 30's.)
Here's the thing--- just last week,some older women were calling me "tiny". I often get comments about how "tiny" or "small" I am. How CAN i be if I weigh so much, and if I wear like a size 8 pants?
I have have a heart problem so I've had to rest a lot and eat a lot the past 3 years to recover. However, today I was told by my new cardiologist that my heart is fine now and nothing to worry about. I don't have to worry about resting-- I can exercise again do whatever I want again-- yay! That means I can do my Tae Bo and stuff.
But I feel so TRICKED.(I realize I haven't been; my treatment team was doing everything they could to jump in and sae my life- and I am grateful.) I have been eating and eating, and resting. But as a result I've just gotten so FAT!!! (HOW can people say I am tiny!! I see a fat person in the mirror AND in pictures-- how can my vision be that distorted, if I am even fat in pictures?
I want so much to stop eating again-- or at least cut back. Really, I'm only getting about 1,000 a day as it is... I know that's pretty minimal. I've come far enough in recovery to know that if I cut back more, that'd be stupid.
But I NEEEEEEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I HAVE TO!!!
I dont want to go back up to where I started and be that stupid fat teenager again like I was before I became anorexic!!! I WANT to be thin, need to be thin, LIKE it. I need to be skinny. For me, some of it IS about weight. Yes its more than that, but yes some of it IS.
Am I fat? Am I really as disgusting as I think I am? Am I really huge now? I dont know what to do or think. My dietician isn't available to talk to til Aug 30. I just want to exercise until I fall down. I want to stop eating. I'm far enough in recovery to know thats dumb, but its what my instincts are telling me right now.
What do I do? What do I tell myself? Its more important to be thin than happy. to me. sorry, but I've have an eating disorder since I was 14. My brain is stuck there still--thats what my anorexic mind tells me.The cardiologist today said after looking at my weight, “Well, you’re obviously in remission from your eating disorder.” YAH, NO SHIT doc. I KNOW I’m a fat cow now. (Ok so, he's clueless about e.d.s... but he is a great cardiologist).
I wish I hadn't been told that number!!! We have been wanting to cut so badly. Get rid of this fat, punish our body, disappear.
My therapist tried to give me a pep talk today. It helped some. Tells me that its not about about the number ( I partly understand-- but Jo doesn't, fatgirl doesn't).. its so much MORE than that though. At this weight when I was 16, BAD things happened. VERY bad things. We cant talk about it to anyone, not even our T. What if being this weight makes bad things happen again/ What if we turn back into that girl? (we know, we know...we're not there anymore, not in that place, not in that year, not that person anymore... supposedly.) But right now the fears are oerwhelming. And all of a sudden, food is a terror again and its gotten very hard to eat again. The war, which has taken a back seat for a couple of years, is back on.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I wish there was some easier way for you to sort all of this logically but the anorexia won't let you and past experiences won't let you either.
I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. I really don't know what else to say, because I know you feel the need to be skinny, and not just thin.
I'm just here I guess.
Love
Your Sis
I have read a few of your posts and I wondered if you have a relationship with Jesus? I hope this does not offend you because that is not what I am trying to do here. I can relate to your life because I have lived it also. I learned that what we think others are thinking about us is not really what they think about us at all. Praying for you always.
I'm sorry to hear that the health personnel in that office weren't apprised of your complete treatment plan that included you not hearing your weight which has you feeling so reactive. I hope that you can recover from this insensitivity and move on to feeling better about your weight, size and life. Eating issues aren't as simple as some people would have us believe. Take care, remember you are more than you weight whatever the number. Ij