On "multiple personality disorder is fake"
Someone on TV just mentioned about some murderer got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder to try to get out of committing a crime. Because “he didn’t do it.” OH MY GOD. That‘s a pathetic excuse. I hate it when people do that. “Multiple personality disorder is easily faked.” -- so said the expert on the prosecuting team. WHO THE HELL would WANT to fake it? That would be stupid. Wouldn’t that get old after a little while? Do people think this is FUN? !Goddammit. What complete idiot would fake this.
One of the things I am so, so terrified of is that sometime when I lose time something bad will happen like someone will get hurt. Even if Missy or Mae or one of the kids did something, even on accident, it'll be "my" fault. Because no matter what, I’M going to HAVE to take responsibility for it because its MY body, and I’m going to be punished. Accepting responsibility for whatever Mae or any of the kids or other grown ups do would be the only ethical thing to do, but the thought of having to do so if one of them does something wrong scares me so much. Yet I’d still need to do it.
Why the hell would someone pretend to be multiple? They should try it for real for a week and see how much they like it. Like having your therapist tell you “I got 8 voice mails from you in 2 days and the secretary says you called her and said you were going to cut.” When you KNOW you didn’t, you couldn’t have, but they have the evidence, but you KNOW it wasn’t you. Like when your best friend(now ex-friend) tells you that you yelled at her that you couldn’t stand her last night and stomped around all angry, when all you remember doing is going to bed and then waking up by a campfire at 2 a.m. crying your eyes out and begging God for forgiveness for everything you do wrong. Like being in a meeting and all of a sudden having one of the little ones take over, and the papers you were reading 2 minutes ago suddenly don’t make sense, and you find yourself having to sound out your own last name because you don’t know how to read because you’re only 5 years old. And hoping, pretending, praying that this isn’t really real, because this is supposed to be RARE, dammit, and that means it doesn’t happen to you, and that means it can’t be real, but then these freaking people in your head TAKE OVER your body and you can’t stop them, and you have no idea what they’re doing, and then OH MY GOD they TALK to people. And inside kids come OUTSIDE and wander down to your therapist's office and cry "I can't find my mom!" and then you know you're REALLY in for it. And you pray that this still can’t be real, because really you just have a good imagination, that’s ALL, and you try to ignore the fact that everyone in your head has names and like their own things and their own pasts and even THEY believe they are separate from YOU. Then pray that its at least schizophrenia because there’s medicine for that. But you know it isn’t. And there isn’t medicine for this. The only thing to do is try to live together with all these cell mates you’ve got. Whether you like each other or not. And then you hear their voices on your own voice mail, your own answering machine, and in your own home videos, and you know THAT isn’t you, its THEM. And you know it: you’re crazy. You’re scared to death AND crazy.
I WISH I was faking this.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
