Let me try to update
I'll try to update everyone a little. Its challenging because my mind is running slowly from exhaustion. I also can't pay attention to myself or my own thoughts!
On Wednesday I have an appointment with my therapist and my massage therapist. I am really looking forward to both. My body and my mind can both barely move.
For the past 10 days I've been in a place where I had a lot of challenges presented to me as I worked with a bunch of children and teenagers. Some of it was very hard. Everywhere I went, people were grouped in in two's, three's or more. Everyone who was there came with someone--whether it was with a friend or a group. I dont know anyone else who went by themself like I did. That partly made me feel adventurous and brave, and partly made me feel really lonely. I had several really sad dreams about my ex-best friend abandoning me again-- that was a really difficult time in my life, and I wouldn't relive it again for love or money. But there it was in my dreams nearly every night I was gone. I often woke up crying.
Most of the time, Mae just wanted to go home. Sometimes we got switchy. There were a couple of evenings where I found things written in my journal from the morning that I didn't remember writing. But I did find a rocking chair to rock in during the mornings, and that's something that calms Mae down and myself down, so I made sure to rock for a while every day. We also got to swim, which the inside kids love. And when I got overwhelmed by being around so many people and too much noise, sometimes I'd go to a quiet spot and just be alone to recover for a bit.
I think that as a result of the past couple weeks, I might be more willing to take risks. I had to put myself out there quite a bit lately. If I wanted someone to talk to, I had to talk first. If I wanted to be woken up in the morning, I had to ask someone to wake me up because I didn't have an alarm clock. If I didn't want to be completely ignored, I had to smile and act nice and include myself in the conversation that was going on. Those are things I rarely did before I left.
Right now I'm ready to go back to sleep. More thoughts later.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Well I applaud your efforts no doubt, that would have been hard on me with all those people and just being out there. Since my PTSD this kind of exposure is extremely hard for me. Glad you wrote and had a good rocking chair to get some alone time in. I hope you get some major relief in your Wednesday sessions. It sounds like you took pretty good care of yourself and honored your feelings. Good for you! Ij
I am glad you can finally relax a bit, maybe(?).
Keepers are glad that you had things like a rocker and swimming to keep yourself in balance.
Keepers respect you so much for being able to go and staying the whole time. Even today, these things would be too much for keepers.
keep on keeping on
peace and blessings
keepers
I am outgoing only sometimes. I can be more outgoing and free on my journal than in real life. I think this is because I can't look at anyone's face and think they are saying inside, "what a fool." I wish I were more outgoing. I, like you, know there are some things you just have to go out there and get and not wait for it to come to you. This is how people miss out on joy. Good for you for going after it and for taking out time for you and yours.
Austin
Sounds like you met and overcame many challenges, you overcomer, you! Good job!