I can't sleep.... inside my head.
Maybe its because my dosage of Wellbutrin XL just got upped to 450 mg the 2 days ago, or maybe its because of all the really hard stuff that happened last week at the tail end of therapy that left us all hanging and caused a huge uproar inside. Or maybe its because all week Mae has been screaming inside "I dont want to go to bed! PLEASE! Please don't make me go to bed!" starting between 8-9 pm. and keeping us all up late until we finally get her calmed down (about 1 .am.).... but all week I haven't been able to sleep. Then when I DO get to sleep, I wake up during the night. If I manage to get back to sleep, I wake up early.
I have tried every type of relaxation technique that I know. I have tried getting Mae into her nice, safe Garden where she usually relaxes right away.
This is what it sounds like inside my head when I can't sleep:
I have to go to sleep now.
Just relax, everybody, lets just relax.
Ok, count backwards:100,99,98,
what comes after that?
no before that, silly
guys, let me just count... 97, 96, 95
why not the ABC's instead? I could do those
no I could!
Your meds are definitely not working tonight
What, like she doesn't know that?
God shut UP!
94, 93,92
ABCDEFG (the alphabet song).
Stop singing, you sing funny.
I dont!
Your meds aren't working
Can I be a construction worker when I grow up?
I thought you were going to be an astronaut.
Can't I be both?
(I'm still counting, and down to about 80 by now)
did you know that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the ABC song have the same music?
lets do the Pledge of Allegiance instead
Are you still counting? Because counting is boring.
Its supposed to make me sleep.
Why don't you let your body relax some?
I'm TRYING. Why don't YOU work on that while I count?
Why CANT I be a construction worker when I grow up?
Who said you can't be a construction worker! Be an astronaut! Be an inventor. You be whatever you want.
Is anyone actually working on going to sleep?
airplane
who just said airplane?
Yes I KNOW. My meds aren't working.
Can we please just all be quiet?
Boo!
ok really, this isn't the time for kids to play games.
Can we go to Target tomorrow?
I have to remember to e-mail my boss in the morning.
I'm not sleepy, can't we just get back up?
I dont WANT to go to bed!
can i have ice cream tomorrow?
Is tomorrow Monday? Do we go see S (out therapist) tomorrow?
i have to go to the bathroom. i need a drink of water too
construction workers build houses
how do you spell Twinkle? I need to know.
When I grow up I'm gonna be a mommy.
Did anybody find out where Mae hid her paints? Or the 2 pairs of jeans we lost?
You guys, we don't have to figure it out tonight... lets just try to go to sleep.
(ad nauseum)
I am serious. This goes on for hours at a time.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I can soooo relate to the inner dialogue and, while I know it isn't funny while it's happening, the way you expressed it just made me laugh. Who DID say "airplane" and why? lol
hmm... I wonder if this is written out and passed from multiple to multiple because as The Real Me said, I can so relate to this. The talking is non stop sometimes.
As far as sleeping, well, it's 8:15 AM and I'm still fighting sleep. In my mind, sleep is the enemy and we have to fight it. The thing is, lack of sleep is killing us. It doesnt let a person recharge so they can handle everyday stresses or DID stresses. Sleep is vital to healing both physically and emotionally. (the pot calling the kettle black...I should take my own advice....)
Keepers have found a way to quiet the the incessant dialogue that haunts us in our minds. We simply take the open palm of our hand and press it against our forehead. We purposely tell our insides that it is quiet time and all should find a peaceful place to be while covering our forehead with the palm and fingers. It takes a little bit of time but all becomes quiet and we are able to fall off to sleep or return to concentrating or whatever. I just thought this technique might help a little bit.
peace and blessings
keepers
I can soooo relate to the inner dialogue and, while I know it isn't funny while it's happening, the way you expressed it just made me laugh. Who DID say "airplane" and why? lol