Some thoughts on Integration
I just finished reading a book called The Magic Daughter,a true about a woman with DID who integrates near the end. (Its an excellent book, by the way-- highly recommend it.) It had me thinking last night about integration. When that happens, all the different "parts" come together as one unit again, working together. Some people say that it gets quiet in their head. That the kid parts no longer come out, or that the alters no longer take over. I guess its different for everyone.
It just had me thinking.
What would I do... if all of a sudden, everyone inside was gone?
What if it were quiet?
I often wish for peace and quiet inside. I could do without the yelling, the whispering, the backtalk, the comments on every single action I make, the comments from the peanut gallery. But what if all of a sudden, it were just me?
*ponderponderpoder*
What does one DO when one has only one occupant?
Who would say good morning to me when I woke up? For that matter, who would have been talking all night long? Would would have kept track of my dreams? When I wake up during the night, I wouldn't have the comfort of knowing that there are others inside who are awake because I wouldn't hear their conversations going on.
What would it be like to be the one who got to decide what to eat for breakfast? Would I still feel like watching Blue's Clues? Would there be an argument over what color of Zoo Pals spoon to use to eat my yogurt? Would going for a walk be boring because I'd stop looking for worms and butterflies? Who would remember to talk to the ants? Would all my work get done at work? After all, I get tired and give up after about Tuesday afternoon. Then someone else takes over the rest of the week. Who would listen in on staff meetings?
And besides all that.... WHO WOULD I BE?
Without them?
Would I be anyone?
Its a strong theory among us inside that I'm not even "the" Pilgrim. THAT would be Mae. I'm just the one who got stuck leading the pack. Mae and I were here 1st before everyone, so the theory goes. although I'm not sure how Carolineine and Mae know this. But then Mae went into the wall in kindergarten, and there I was. But then I split and split and split some more. Who am I? I think I'm just another part. Would I be anyone without all my counterparts around to support me?
Would the quietness of integration drive me more crazy than the loudness of having all of them around does?
And I would miss them. God help me for all the pain and problems and complete insanity they cause me, I've gotten sort of attached to them by now. Does that make me a total freak to admit? Or does that just mean that I've finally accepted that I've got all these extra people in my life that I have to work together with?
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Part 2 of my comment:
This lasted several months, and I was never so lonely and despondent in my life. Personally, I have no intention of integrating. I love all my parts--they made it possible for me to survive the worst abuse imaginable. I think they're keepers!
In response to beautifuldreamers comment:
integration is totally different from parts going into hiding. With integration, you don't lose the parts, they become more a part of you. Going into hiding means they're still there, separately, but not functioning. With integration, everyone is all there. It doesn't happen all at once. But, the integration I've done so far has made me feel more complete, more a part of the whole. The parts yet to integrate will, gradually, as they, and I, are ready. The Real Me
Oh how I know about the comments about every little thing. It is loud inside a lot, which is why my TV and radio are hardly ever on. Who needs more noise? And oh how I know about the arguments with the kids over what colour this or that should be. Do you know how many times I change my clothes before I leave the house? Robert wants to wear this, Maureen wants to were this, Renea doesnt care what we wear as long as we wear something. But we change at good 3 times EVERY time we leave the house. And dont get me started on shopping for food or clothing. My goodness. It could drive a girl crazy. I've been so frustrated at times that I threw my hands in the air and yelled, I can't do this and walked away. i realized that the people around me must have thought I was out of my mind because they couldnt see who i was frustrated with. All they knew was that I had a generic box of mac and cheese but that it and only it seemed to overwhelm me. Now its funny to me but at the time I'd been in that store for 3 hours w/ 1 box.
We think about integration but we think how on earth do we function as one? Who will we be? What name will I go by? But the biggest question is, how on earth will I deal with the silence? How will I function as just one person? It's like asking an orange to become an apple and to function as if it had always been that way. The thought is overwhelming. I think it may be a neccessary step at one point but there seem to be more questions than assurances. I dont want just answers, I want assurance. LOL.
we wish you peace of mindS.
until again,
Austin
Ps. the program I use for my art is called Picture It Publish It! It's a Microsoft product. I love it. I also have photoshop but I'm still learning to use that one. Its frustrating.
This is such an interesting topic. I have a dissociative disorder but it's not DID. I have cut WAY back dissociating like I used to (every minute before!) and it's an interesting adjustment. I keep telling my husband, "When I was dissociating all the time I could keep so many balls in the air at once." Now, I feel quite overwhelmed very easily. I'll have to stop my husband when he's rushing to the next topic and just tell him, "I'm too overwhelmed right now. We'll have to pick this up and talk about it later after I detangle my brain." The whole process is very baffling and interesting.
My gut feeling, though, is that you would have all these wonderful parts of you all together, perhaps in a more cohesive, cooperative manner. However, I think you have to do what you feel comfortable with in the time that feels right for you.
Hi Pilgrim, just had to respond to your latest posting...last year I said something pretty horrible about my parts, and in response they all kind of went into hiding. I mean, they just weren't there, as if they didn't exist.
Let me tell you, that was AWFUL!
The silence in my head was deafening; I had no sense of humor, because I need my funny parts for that. I was really like a walking zombie. My friend would come pick me up to go somewhere, take one look at me and say, "They haven't come back yet, have they?"