On Friends and DID and everything

Sometimes I’m so lonely and feeling so bad about everything that it feels like I can’t take 1 more minute of it. And yet I know I’ve got days, and months…and YEARS of it left to deal with. My heart HURTS. Everything I feel is locked up in my throat, in my chest. I wish I could get it out… I wish I could talk to someone. I need a friend so badly. But there’s no one who can cope with me… there’s no one who can handle me. “Cope” with me because I’m just too much. I try so hard to protect people from the real me, the complicated “guess what I’ve got like a dozen people inside who come out at all the wrong moments” me, the “you say you’ll be my friend forever, but in reality that works out to be 3 years, maximum” me. I did have friends… from 1st to 4th grade, and then from 6th to 8th grade, and then from 2000-2002. I hang on to those memories like they are precious works of art: 1st grade, a birthday party where a lot of friends showed up. 2nd grade, having a best friend. 3rd grade, being popular with the girls AND the boys. 4th grade, being the smartest in the class and it was ok. Then Junior High: hanging out at Disneyworld with my best friend. The bus ride on our field trip. Laughing in church with one of my crazy friends who was as smart and creative as I was. Then the last group of friends: laughing in the hallway. Riding the Sky Coaster at Six Flags. Calling someone up to see if they wanted to go to the craft store.
It feels like I will never have those again. Its been so long. Who would want me now? Who would care now? Once people found out I had others inside, that was it: you’re demon possessed, we’ll pray for you, I don’t believe in that sort of thing, are you sure you’re not watching too much Tv, I’ll just quietly slip out of your life. You’re too complicated. Finding out later that someone was talking about me behind my back all along.
Mae wants a little girl to play with so badly. She had just a little taste of it when I was on vacation with my family, and now she wants it more. I tried to warn her before we even left: don’t ask for what you can’t have. She isn’t asking, but I know she is wanting. She had so much fun playing with someone that looked like her and was her size. Someone who thought like her and thought that playing in the mud was fun too.
She wants it so much… and I don’t know how to give it to her right now.
And Jo needs… well, everything. She needs an older sister. She needs friends. She needs teenagers. She needs to be invited to a sleepover. She never did that. She needs someone to invite her to their house, and stay up late and watch movies and show her how to wear makeup and what clothes she’d look good in besides black. She never had that, and I think it’d help her a lot. I don’t know how to give her that either.
And everyone, including myself….everyone needs to talk to my therapist. Everyone needs her time. No matter how much we try to share, we can’t all talk fast enough. My therapist does the best she can, but how much can she do? There are too many of us and only 1 of her. It isn’t fair and I have no idea what to do about it.
I’m so lonely. I can feel it down in the pit of my stomach. I haven’t eaten much today. I’m too filled up with everything else. I wish I didn’t have to keep everything inside.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by Jacqueline on July 5, 2006

2. Posted by Jacqueline on July 5, 2006