Assessment update
This has been a really bad afternoon. I had a panic attack in the parking lot before the group assessment and froze up. Completely spaced out. I barely remember the assessment. Jo mostly talked. I cant remember much. I know I didn't say anything about having people inside. Neither did Jo. Things were very switchy. The lady asked very triggery questions. Inside, everything was noisy and loud and shakey.
(its jo... sorry)
I just desperately need someone here with me. All afternoon we've been having flashbacks and screaming inside and stomache heaving and I want to cut so bad.. I need a friend so badly. I needed so bad to have a friend with me today.
Several years ago, I had a couple friends. One time, one of them went with me to the doctor. Another time, one went with me to the cardiologist. It helped SO much to have someone with me. It helped so much.
But now I wish I had NEVER HAD IT. I wish they had NEVER GONE! Because I experienced what it felt like to have someone there with me and sit beside me in the waiting room. And now it hurts too much that its gone. And now I want it so badly again. So badly. But its gone and I don't think I'll ever have that again. And I miss it so much, I miss having friends, I miss having some support. I needed it so bad today. But instead its just me alone. And it is so bad that I just want to die. I feel like I can't take another day of this.
I've been so upset today that my heart hurts and my stomach's been really sick. I've been up since 5:15 because of my nervousness. My eyes are burning but I can't calm down. I need a friend so bad. I keep telling God that I'm so, so sorry for everything I do wrong. I keep asking God year after year after year-- please, PLEASE, just send me a friend, someone I can talk to. But one doesn't come. I feel like God must hate me, or be trying to punish me. Punishing me for causing all the bad people to do bad things, punishing me for being a bad daughter, punishing me for being a bad client for my therapist, punishing me for wishing and wanting and needing.
The person doing the assessment asked me about my support system I have. I felt really pathetic telling her that my whole support system is that I see my therapist 1 time a week and thats it. What a complete loser I am.
I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.
I wish I'd disappear.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
if you have access to a computer perhaps you could do an IM with someone you know on the net. This way you have contact w/ someone that might be able to offer support.
also, don't wait for friends to come to you. go out looking but look in the right places. go to book readings, go to coffee shops and things like that. you'll meet people that have things in common with you.
good luck on your trip.
Austin
Maybe you'll find a friend in the group? Thank you for writing. It helps so much.
Just a reminder: you did not make any bad people do any bad things. It was their choice. I'm sorry today was hard. But, you are not bad!