Massages and boundaries
There is a lady who has become quiet a nice addition to my life.
She is an older lady who works at one of the spas here in the city.
I've come to think of her as "my masseuse".
Now that I've been to see her a half a dozen times or so, I think I can claim her.
I had a massage today. My body had become one massive ache and we needed to remedy that. So I went to the spa after work today. Carolineine had thought ahead and schedule us a massage for the last day of school, thank goodness. I had never thought of getting massages before. Then a few years ago, I remember in group, my therapist mentioned that she was going to get one, and that sort of planted a seed in my mind. Last summer I had my first one, and since then I've been hooked. I didn't think I'd like the idea of some stranger touching me. Uck! But OH MY is it nice.
Mae had problems with it-- thinking about bad people and all, but now, she either sleeps through massages, or just lives with it because she has gotten used to the nice older lady we always see who has very comforting, strong hands.
At first, I really worried. Bad body image, I. See myself as huge, fat, grotesque-- that sort of thing, even though people tell me I'm thin. But I've never had an idea of how much space I take up-- I've always just felt like it was too much. I've always felt so weighted down by worries and by inside people and problems, I've just felt like I MUST take up a lot of space. Too many people stuffed inside, we must have a very large body to fit us all.
But today I realized, that getting a massage is really helping with this problem. I noticed that when we really take the time to relax, and try to really be okay with someone else touching me, that I can feel where her hands are. She rubs my arms, and I can feel that my arms aren't REALLY 4 feet in circumference, because her hands are not very big and they fit around my arm. She massages my legs, and I can feel that my legs and my butt don't REALLY extend all the way out the door like they feel they do. Same for my back, my stomach, even my feet. Its sort of like.... I really END somewhere. My body doesn't really go on forever with all that fat and flab. It has an ending. It sort of helped me feel contained. Like hopefully my body isn't really as out of control as it feels it is. Because I can feel her hands and her hands only go a few inches away and thats where my body ends.
I wonder if most people feel like they go on and on forever and take up too much space or if most people have an idea of where their body is in space. I feel like the autistic kids in my class, or the kids with sensory motor dysfunction. No idea where my body is in space. Just floating around randomly. I wonder if any of it my have to do with never being hugged or touched when I was littlle, after I was 4. I never had a place where I could crawl in someone's lap, or get wrapped up in someone's arm. I never had a tight squeeze or an arm wrapping me up. I didn't put my head on peoples' shoulders or anything. Things like that. I just always felt like I was floating around in space all the time, far away from people. I didn't ever get a sense of I start here and end here; you start and end there. It was always more like.... I am nobody, nowhere, and everyone else is far away.
As soon as the massage ended, and even while it was still going on, that feeling and that knowledge of being contained pretty much disappeared. But for a few minutes today, I felt it. I wish I could hold onto it longer.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
You worded all of this so well. It made me feel a little sad though too...thinking of a little four year old girl who never got hugged anymore. How unfair. I think that for me it's different...because I don't want people to touch me and I say: "I END HERE. YOU end HERE." and draw the line. But, it's from the same lack of loving touch that you had, to some degree. Really, I just wanted to say that this is a really good post.
Love
Your Sis
*No idea where my body is in space. Just floating around randomly.*
I have a feeling that this is why I bump into things often. I have no body concept, no concept of space or time. I often feel like I'm just floating around randomly. You put that perfectly. I guess I've always thought that if the insiders have access to my thoughts so must everyone else. I thought of myself as just a pair of eyes with no body or anything...I belong to nothing. I just look out and view things.
Austin
thank you for writing this. i think you did a really good job describing what it's like to have a distorted view of your body. i could really relate. in answer to your wondering if other people feel like they go on and on forever and take up too much space, the answer is yes - well, at least i do. and i have had the same experience when getting a massage. i go for massages every now and then (i was going a lot when i was training for the marathon) and like you, there are many inside who don't like it and i thought i would have a harder time with it than i actually do. but the massage therapist i go to is a family friend and i feel very safe with her. i, too, was surprised how it made me feel like my body maybe isn't as big as it feels. i'm learning that it has to do with being connected to my body. when i'm not connected, i imagine that it's so much bigger than it actually is. when i'm getting a massage, i'm more connected and can see the reality that my body doesn't go on and take up huge amounts of space. i keep trying to find other ways to connect to my body - exercise, yoga, etc. i experience these brief moments like you and then lose it as well and long for it to last longer. i hope for both of us that the more healing we do, the more we will feel connected to our bodies and know for longer periods of time that our bodies don't go on forever and ever. thank you again for writing this. i never took the time to put these feelings into words, however your words have helped me.