May 26, 2006

There is a lady who has become quiet a nice addition to my life.
She is an older lady who works at one of the spas here in the city.
I've come to think of her as "my masseuse".
Now that I've been to see her a half a dozen times or so, I think I can claim her.

I had a massage today. My body had become one massive ache and we needed to remedy that. So I went to the spa after work today. Carolineine had thought ahead and schedule us a massage for the last day of school, thank goodness. I had never thought of getting massages before. Then a few years ago, I remember in group, my therapist mentioned that she was going to get one, and that sort of planted a seed in my mind. Last summer I had my first one, and since then I've been hooked. I didn't think I'd like the idea of some stranger touching me. Uck! But OH MY is it nice.

Mae had problems with it-- thinking about bad people and all, but now, she either sleeps through massages, or just lives with it because she has gotten used to the nice older lady we always see who has very comforting, strong hands.

At first, I really worried. Bad body image, I. See myself as huge, fat, grotesque-- that sort of thing, even though people tell me I'm thin. But I've never had an idea of how much space I take up-- I've always just felt like it was too much. I've always felt so weighted down by worries and by inside people and problems, I've just felt like I MUST take up a lot of space. Too many people stuffed inside, we must have a very large body to fit us all.

But today I realized, that getting a massage is really helping with this problem. I noticed that when we really take the time to relax, and try to really be okay with someone else touching me, that I can feel where her hands are. She rubs my arms, and I can feel that my arms aren't REALLY 4 feet in circumference, because her hands are not very big and they fit around my arm. She massages my legs, and I can feel that my legs and my butt don't REALLY extend all the way out the door like they feel they do. Same for my back, my stomach, even my feet. Its sort of like.... I really END somewhere. My body doesn't really go on forever with all that fat and flab. It has an ending. It sort of helped me feel contained. Like hopefully my body isn't really as out of control as it feels it is. Because I can feel her hands and her hands only go a few inches away and thats where my body ends.

I wonder if most people feel like they go on and on forever and take up too much space or if most people have an idea of where their body is in space. I feel like the autistic kids in my class, or the kids with sensory motor dysfunction. No idea where my body is in space. Just floating around randomly. I wonder if any of it my have to do with never being hugged or touched when I was littlle, after I was 4. I never had a place where I could crawl in someone's lap, or get wrapped up in someone's arm. I never had a tight squeeze or an arm wrapping me up. I didn't put my head on peoples' shoulders or anything. Things like that. I just always felt like I was floating around in space all the time, far away from people. I didn't ever get a sense of I start here and end here; you start and end there. It was always more like.... I am nobody, nowhere, and everyone else is far away.

As soon as the massage ended, and even while it was still going on, that feeling and that knowledge of being contained pretty much disappeared. But for a few minutes today, I felt it. I wish I could hold onto it longer.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:19 PM | Comments (3)

May 28, 2006

Loneliness can raise your blood pressure, make you sick, lead to sleepless nights, and even make your life shorter.

I don't actually have any friends. Not in real life. My sister is my friend, but we live on different sides of the country. And she just had a baby, and already has a toddler-- her life is overwhelming for her. I rarely get to talk to her.

I am extremely shy and introverted. I did have a best friend once... but... for lots of reasons, mostly because of me being multiple I think... she is gone.

In the summer I get even more lonely than I usually am. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me so much. I try to pretend that I enjoy having so much time to myself. I try not to mention how jealous I am of families in the park or friends I see together laughing. I pretend I like going places alone. I read a lot, and say that I just like learning new things.

.....but inside, its killing me. The loneliness is overwhelming.
don't tell anyone.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:35 PM | Comments (11)