April 4, 2006

Therapy was much better today. Everyone who wanted to talk to our T, got to talk. We took turns and worked together. Mae, Pilgrim, and Jo all got to talk to our therapist, and the switching all blended together much more smoothly. Mae wanted so much to even just say hi. Luckily she had a little bit of homework she could talk about with our therapist today, so she got to do that for a little bit. We have all been working on reframing our old thoughts into new thoughts and changing old unhealthy behaviors into new, healthier behaviors. That is the main focus of therapy right now. So Mae had some time to discuss that. And when her turn was over, she gave our T a hug and then went on her way, instead of making a fuss. For Mae, that is a lot of progress. Hopefully she will be able to do that from now on. It makes things run so much more smoothly! Jo got to talk to our T about feeling like she wanted to kill herself last week, and why she hangs on to the eating disorder and cutting so hard. She just doesn't feel like she has anything to take its place. It keeps her company because she is always alone. She feels like even God doesn't want her. They listened to some music and talked a little about God. Jo is feeling like she was heard tonight. Its very hard for her to talk about God but tonight she was brave enough to handle the discussion for a few minutes. Thats progress.
We have a lot more homework to do for next week.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:03 PM | Comments (4)

April 7, 2006

It used to be that I couldn't STAND any of the others who share my body with me. ESPECIALLY Mae, the 5 year old. She was just my "inner child" out of control, I thought. I used to just wish all the time that she would JUST GO AWAY. When I 1st started hearing Mae's voice in my head, I was still in college. My sister had just gone off to college also, and so I was extra lonely. There was a lot going on at home that was troubling me. So the last thing I needed was one more problem. I began to hear in my head this child crying. A sob. And then sometimes crying, "mommy?" It drove me crazy. Then she started appearing more often OUTSIDE. Tearing things up, crying all night, taking over. And there I was still years away from finding a therapist.
Years later of course, here she is as a 5 year old and able to talk more, and thankfully because I have a wonderful therapist with endless patience (almost), Mae is a little happier, uses her words to talk about whats going on. She's become much more pleasant to be around. At least I tolerate her now. She still bugs me a lot. Of course, she says that I bug her an awful lot too.

Right now I am actually feeling empathy for her. I guess that is a step towards love.
Last night she was so lonely. She often is. A lot of the time I don't know what's going on when Mae is around. Still not much co-consciousness with her. But we're getting better about that.
Last night she needed her mom so bad. That is all she wants is a mom who will take care of her. She gets tired of having to take care of herself all the time. Which is what I did when I was little too. Last night Mae was at the front. When she got in bed, she pretended that our T came in and tucked her in and gave her a kiss goodnight. She started asking God why she couldn't have been born in our T's family instead of the one she was born in. But then she thought that might be complaining and she isn't supposed to complain. Or ask why about anything. So she ended up just laying there crying.
I was too far removed from everything to be able to just take over and help her stop. I think that she fell asleep crying. Sometimes I do just wonder why.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:31 PM | Comments (1)

April 8, 2006

this just is mae.
i be haveing a bad nite
we did get in trorbol
and i been hiding in my room
i dont like it when pepol say bad words
he say the same thing daddy wuld yell at my mom
it dont be safe here i wish i culd go home. i just want my mom. it dose mess up so m uch
i do things rong
and i do get punist. and pepol yell at us and that man he did yell and he makes us so scard
mabe it dont be safe here ehter. mabe the bad pepol will come nexst too
i hate it wen i am not good enoff ever
and we did have a good day before at the fair
evre day that starts out good gets fixt bad. ruind. becos of me. becos we do axsidentle something rong and then he gets mad then onle me be left crying by my self in my room

from mae

Posted by pilgrim at 9:21 PM | Comments (2)

April 9, 2006

Between feeling extremely unsafe, too much pressure in my head from a never-ending sinus infection, Mae being upset, and being exhausted, I cannot stop dissociating today. Even when I try to. I keep dissociating. I feel like I'm in a dream world. I dont even have to close my eyes. Everything feels unreal. My inner ear is messed up because of the infection, and so I'm constantly feeling "wavy" and off balance the past few days. It feels like gravity is pressing on me really heavily. Everything seems far away and down a tunnel. Or wavy and unreal. Its like being in a dream I can't wake up from.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:51 PM | Comments (6)

April 11, 2006

Today at therapy was completely not fair.
I know she thinks she doing the right thing but it isn't.
But who's going to listen to me? I'm just a "Fragment" and not a real person.
I heard that word come out of her mouth.
T didn't want to talk to anyone but Pilgrim today.
Wouldn't let Mae talk.
Wouldn't let me talk. I said "I understand" but I said that just to be nice so I wouldn't get in trouble.
What does she think she's accomplishing by making Pilgrim be there when Pilgrim doesn't want to be there?
i hate myself. i shouldn't even want to talk in the 1st place.
mae is hating herself worse.
i dont know what to do.
i have so much stuffed inside.
i will cut and not care. i doesn't all fit.
we keep telling Mae, "Maybe next week you can talk." And mae had such a bad weekend, and couldn't
wait to talk to T. But T refused to talk about anything else that's going on except for the certain tihngs they're working on in therapy.
i hate everything.
i hate myself the most.
i wish i was dead. then i wouldn't want anything at all.

jo

Posted by pilgrim at 6:31 PM | Comments (0)

April 12, 2006

Its almost Easter and this is supposed to be a time of celebration and Spring and new life. But all I seem to be able to feel right now is hopelessness.
Maybe its just being tired. Maybe its just because Spring Break is still 2 weeks away. Maybe because I'm ready for summer.
There are no events in my life that are really going WRONG. Work is going well. Extremely busy and stressful, but still going WELL.
My sister is pregnant. Another joyful thing. True, I'm worried til I make myself sick over her because she has pre-eclampsia and I'm terrified something bad is going to happen and what am I going to do if my sister ever dies on me? She's the only friend I have. But gosh-- she's pregnant, and that's a good thing.
I have Good Friday off of work. That means I get to sleep in. Take Mae to the park, if she stops crying long enough to play. Maybe do some artwork.
I have been sticking to my meal plan.
That is all on the outside.

(edit: deleted)

Posted by pilgrim at 6:36 PM | Comments (1)

April 15, 2006

I found this online tonight at AbuseConsultants.com, and it resonated so much with me that I just HAD to post it. These are just a few off the list, the ones I felt are really important to me. The rest of it can be found at: http://www.abuseconsultants.com/index.asp
-- Pilgrim

Do's and Don’ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples
Do NOT ever touch us from behind.
DO speak to our inner children like children.
Do NOT ask "Who's here now?" If we wanted you to know we would tell you.
Do NOT expect consistency of feeling, thought, or action on any subject.
Do NOT tell anyone to go inside because you do not like their views.
If you are uncomfortable with something said or done, say so, and do NOT avoid us in the future without an explanation.
Be understanding that we have many crisis situations in our lives of healing from our abuse, i.e.: flashbacks, panic attacks, body memories..
DO be encouraging.
DON'T tell us that the abuse happened a long time ago and for us to "just get over it!" That is a HUGE insult!!

Posted by pilgrim at 10:24 PM | Comments (3)

April 18, 2006

i did get to say somthing to my T today
but i still dont be going to talk to her
i did get to say i miss h er
her say we got to be good a long long time for me to get to come see her and talk
and that mens no cutting no being bad nothing bad
and me no driveng h ome j ust grown ups
and i have to be so good
i think prefect
i dont no what this mens her say her cant ripparent me
somthing ? i have to be my own mom and my own dad
?? i dont no how i can do that
her cant do it
i don no how i can be my mom and dad
i be 5
WELL OKkkkkkk her cant be my m omm eneway :( i no her wuldnt want to be her say so
my T sharin she dose be good. her dotter be good. and shrin she be good.
if her did be my mom i wuld make her bad ene way
becos i did make my mom be bad
i did make my dad be bad
one time i did imajin sharin be at my house when i culdnt sleep and i imajin she come in my room and give me a kiss and say good night and then i go to sleep
but i no thats bad becos its sell fish
if she did be my mom i wuld make her bad and her wuldnt want me nether like my real mom
BASIDES I DONT NEED A MOM AND DAD ENEWAY
I BE 5 i am BIG i can take care of mi self

i do have to wate lots of days to talk to my T her say her will think abot it how long i have to wate and how long we all got to be good
i bet her will say a lot of days and we all got to be perffect beocs her dint relly want to talk to me enymore
i miss her thowe

Posted by pilgrim at 6:15 PM | Comments (2)

April 19, 2006

Guess what we did this time? Not only can I not do things good enough for 1)my family 2)my job 3)my therapist and 4)my husband, I've gone and screwed up MORE.
Mae and I have both been having really violent dreams for about a month or so. It started out with a dream I had a while ago that my dad raped me. It was really graphic and disturbed me. I mean, I feel like it rattled me down to my bones. Then Mae and Jo started having really violent dreams. These aren't the dreams that we usually have. We're used to having bad dreams. These are really violent ones, where people are trying to kill us, where we're running for our lives, and guns and rapes and knives are involved.
None of have been allowed to talk about these things in therapy yet. Our therapist won't let us talk about things until she can be sure that we are "safe" and won't come home and cut or purge.
So in the meantime, everything stays bottled up inside, and the violent dreams keep getting worse. The past week or 2, they've been terrible, and I'm waking up 4 or 5 times a night. I get so tired in the daytime sometimes. In our dreams, we're trying to fight back. The people in our dreams don't get hurt by the guns, tasers, or anything else that we try to use against them. They just grin or laugh maniacally and use them back at us. I guess that is waht makes the dreams so scary. That nothing we do works, and they turn everything back around at us and use it against us.
(Dreams often imitate life, don't they?)
So we have tried hitting. Hitting the bad people. Well unfortunately, we end up hitting for real. And keep hitting my husband, who's trying to sleep beside me. :(
He's had enough. He's still sore.
This morning he was mad and announced that I was going to start sleeping on the couch.
Way to go, Pilgrim. I've screwed up again.
Now he's changed his mind (once I couldn't quit crying, and was about to throw up from crying so hard--- another low point, way to go, stupid Pilgrim )and saying, he'll sleep on the couch. I dont think so. The freak should sleep on the couch while he gets the comfortable bed. Because I can't control my unconscious mind while I'm asleep, BUT I NEED TO LEARN TO. I HAVE to learn to. I NEED to get this under control.
I have to learn, apparently, to be perfect, and not make ANY mistakes. That is the way to get to do the things that I want to do. In order to talk, to be able to have a normal life, in order to have any sort of relationship with my husband/family/therapist/mom/dad-----> they do not have to change at all. This is what I am learning. They get to stay the same and do whatever they want. Its all me who has to change. This is, as far as I can gather, what life and 12 steps and support groups and family and relationships are all about. I get to do all the work. No one else has to do anything.
[sarcasm] Wow. Life is really fun. [/sarcasm]
All I do is screw up one thing after another. :(
Is it summer yet?

Posted by pilgrim at 5:41 AM | Comments (4)

Today I cried so hard on the way to work that I made myself sick. Not throwing up sick, I just felt like it though. I must have been getting sick anyway and crying so hard just pushed me over the edge. Now I feel like I've got the flu again. I'm so achey and stuffed up. Way to go, jo.
everything is my fault.
Carolineine, Mae, and pilgrim say its all in my head. because they don't feel as yucky as i do when THEY'RE around. well aren't they perfect. :( But I REALLY feel sick. i was feeling better until this morning. then we go and fuck up again and cause more problems with DH and feel too guilty to be allowed to live and spend the day crying on and off and now, seriously, i'm sick.
i'm good for nothing.
please do not write in the comments that this isn't the truth. you guys have no idea what a completely bad person i am and all the screwed up stuff i do. or how many problems i cause in therapy and how much stuff i ruin.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 7:44 PM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2006

*warning*

i feel trapped.
i am about to pull my hair out.
i am trying so hard not to scream.
i need sleep. desperately.
i want to slice my arms up until there is no skin left.
i want to starve myself until there isn't an ounce of fat left on my disgusting body.
i could fucking bleed to death in front of some people and they still wouldn't hear a word i say.
i wish i was dead. then i wouldn't need anything. then i wouldn't want anything.
then i would disappear.
then everyone would be happy. because i would finally be out of their way.
then everything would not hurt so much.
jo.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:36 PM | Comments (5)

April 24, 2006

Since my therapist is so intent that I need to be in a treatment center, on a whim I e-mailed a few places in various places around the United States to ask about treatment costs, whether they take insurance (which of course, my insurance, United Health Care SUCKS) , and just some general questions. AND OF COURSE, MOST PLACES DONT WORK WITH MY INSURANCE, the places I asked into don't offer any sorts of scholarships or help, and GET THIS--- the place with the best treatment costs $44,000 for 30 days.
THAT IS MORE MONEY THAN I MAKE IN A YEAR AT WORK. Fuck this. I am just going to have to get better on my own no matter how hard it is.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:15 PM | Comments (2)

April 25, 2006

When I was talking about the cost of inpatient care ($44,000 freaken bucks) at the place with the best treatment---- -I was talking about the place that I feel would be the best place FOR ME. The place where I feel has the most appropriate therapies, best therapists, most appropriate treatment philosophy, and where I think would be the best "fit" for everyone inside. I am sure there are LOTS of good places. In fact, I KNOW there are lots of great places. I know there are lots of places I could go. I have done LOTS of research and I have inquired at about 15 places so far. The place I was talking about in my last post was "the best treatment" FOR PILGRIM& CO.
thank you.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:45 PM | Comments (1)

this is jo.
today we went to therapy.i had a lot i needed to talk about but I didn't talk at all. but i was listening. my therapist said something about she kind of does get mad when we're pushing her away or something... and something about that she will start to push us away when we're questioning her so much. I'm not sure of all of it. One of the kids started talking and drawing pictures to try to explain things inside. Anyway, there were lots of drawings of all of the inside people on the page.
At this one point our T touched the page and said something like, "There's no bad guy in here." (she even pointed to missy and the bully, and even to me.) "There is no bad guy in this room."
i dont know why but that just hit me... i dont know.
and they were talking about how we should all work together inside, even with me. We were all talking on the way home. About stuff our T said today and things they talked about. And about how our T is not out to get us and how we all interpret things in weird ways. i dont know. i just think i understand some things better than i did this morning before we went.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 8:24 PM | Comments (1)

April 27, 2006

OH my gosh... I just realized tonight that it has been one year since I signed myself into the hospital.
I just went and checked earlier dates on my journal here. I am not sure what to think. I'm afraid to say "I've made a lot of progress since then" because even though I FEEL like I have, what if it isn't true? What if my therapist would say I haven't? We have had a couple of good, 2 hour sessions this week. Inside we have been working together a lot better. And.... *drumroll, please*.... I've been sticking to my meal plan for over a month now. Which to me feels like a huge, big deal. Thats longer than I've ever stuck to it. There was even one day when I managed to get in over 2,000 calories (1st time EVER, I'm sure!). Usually its hard for me to even get up to 1,000 calories a day. So I'm sure that if my nutritionist knew that I got up to 2000 the other day, she'd do a happy dance. bah.
I can't believe its been a year.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:20 PM | Comments (1)