Treatment centers for DID and eating disorders....
Well. I went to therapy today.
After an extremely frustrating and challenging day at work (all ended up ok, but I didn't know that at the time I headed to therapy) so I went to therapy a big bundle of nerves. It was really hard to not dissociate, but I did pretty well and stayed present. Its a good thing I did!
My therapist sat on the couch by me and we had THAT conversation again.... the one I completely had. Inpatient.
*groan*. This is the conversation that we've had about 5 times, in a serious way. I do not like it when she gets that look in her eyes (worried, scared, or concerned) and she gets this tone in her voice, and looks at me in a certain way, and her voice gets all soft. It all spells bad news.
The 1st time it ever occurred was 4 years ago when she decided to call Remuda and see if she could get me in because my eating disorder was raging out of control. I remember her looking at me (same look as above) and said, "Pilgrim.... I called Remuda this morning. " oh, cripes.
Today it was not just eating disorder but also she wants to find me a place that treats DID and eating disorders. I keep telling her, I DONT HAVE THE MONEY. I'm still trying to pay the LAST place I went last summer, and we didn't have the money for THAT either. :( My T just wanted my permission to try talking to my insurance and to try looking around for information to see if she could find someplace for me to go, like over summer vacation, after I go visit my sister and the new baby.
I HATE conversations like this. :(
This is progress, at least: nowadays at least I understand that she isn't just trying to get rid of me, she isn't just giving up on me. Now at least I understand that she is just trying to do what's best for me and trying to find me the best help.
But still. I feel like such a failure.
I know that Jo gets online at night and looks for treatment centers. I know she wants to go. BUT I DONT! I do NOT have the money. My T understands this (I cannot even really afford to pay my T, even though she gives me a reduced rate). I have to sell stuff all the time to be able to continue to go to therapy. Anyway. My T wants to see if maybe we could work something out with my insurance to pay for me, or find me a scholarship or something...
to see if ANY place would take me.
Yah. Like any place is just going to go, "hey, we see this girl is working so hard but isn't getting better, so lets just GIVE her a free ride to come spend the summer in our treatment center". SURE.
Anyway... after a half hour long...um... "pep talk".... and list of what's not working, and how she (T) gets all sorts of contradictory e mails from everyone inside about I'm eating/ I'm not eating; I'm doing good/I'm struggling ; I'm cutting/ I haven't cut in weeks; and ALL SORTS of stuff like that, (so that NONE of us know what is REALLY going on, actually), we just need to find a place that can help me get the DID and eating disorder stuff under control. Etc etc. And how she and i can work as a team to beat this and we can both look for treatment centers and if there isn't anywhere, then OK, at least we tried, and if we just have to keep plugging along outpatient, then ok, at least we tried, and if we can't find a place i can afford to go to, at least we tried.
i hate being this way.
finally i gave her the ok to talk to my insurance and to look around to see if she could find info.
i cant talk about it anymore right now.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
half awake and Pilgrim, my goodness do I know something about both your situations! I never cut myself but I was 2 steps from suicidal tendencies and leaving my home was just about nil for a couple years other than seeing the therapist, and Psychiatrist and counselor! I was constantly being told that I may need to check into a hospital, which led to my clamping down on my feelings, and telling them about my nightmares and sleep, please! I was doing good to sleep 2 hours in a 3 day period! That led to drugs and higher dosages because even they weren't helping me sleep. IT was all so sordid and Half awake, I felt just as disjoint from the world, and quite honestly had no desire to interact with the world at the time. Finally I was able to whittle down the medical crew to just a therapist (the only one who seemed to listen) when all my money ran out. It's all such a vicious cycle, The eating disorder, the mental issues, the self destructive tendencies. All I can say is one step in front of the other, just keep moving no matter how small the movement. It may take you years, half awake to get back out into society (I'm just getting there myself) and pilgrim, the best thing is you do have a therapist that's willing to work with you and cares enough to notice when you're getting better or worse. When my life first took a turn for the worse the Psychologist I first had was literally a quack and she didn't listen to anything I'd say! A month after I told her I was worried about my weight gain and eating she wanted to talk about the weight. Before she just ignored me or my concerns. A bad therapist is like perpetually loading a six shooter pointed at your head!
Anyways I just wanted to let you both know there are definitely people out here who know some of what your going through, you're not alone, trust me you're not alone!
Do you have MSN? if you do i would realy like to talk to you about this, im not a theripist or anything, i have DID myself but yea, if your up for a chat my email/msn is nemesis@murrow.co.nz