Simon Birch
Therapy is too confusing and too hard right now. It just occurred to me that I'm not even sure if I WENT to therapy last night. I am pretty sure that jo went. But then again, I dont remember at all for sure. The only real evidence that I have is that my gas tank went from 3/4 a tank full to 1/4 tank of gas. I am so confused. The days are too long and all blend together into one long, gigantic, neverending day.
I'm not handling things very well right now. At work, I've been bogged down in paperwork. Oops ... and I just now remembered that report cards are due soon so I need to get those done too. Yikes! I am not motivated to do ANYTHING because I feel like I can't do anything right. I've been so depressed that I feel like jo. Its bad enough that we have one inside person being depressed & suicidal and laying on the couch all the time. Now its contagious. All i want to do is sleep and curlup on the couch too. I'm just so overwhelmed. Missy has to do more and more of the work at my job, which just makes her attitude of "I have to handle EVERYTHING!" worse.
There have been a couple of us losing time. Not just me. For me, the weirdest time was the other day when I was watching this movie called Simon Birch. I haven't seen it in a long time. There is a bus accident near the end where the bus goes under the water. Being underwater/not being able to breathe is a HUGE trigger for me. I was watching the movie, saw the bus begin to go into the water, I BLINKED, and the movie was at the end where the guy is all grown up. I thought, wow, I dont remember it ending like that, but it HAS been a long time since I saw it ... weird. I swear all I did was BLINK -- what's that take, half a second?
Then on Sunday I saw the whole movie again. Bus started to go into the water. And what do you know? This time I didn't lose time -- and hey, there is actually a whole SCENE in there, in fact there is something like 20 minutes of the movie left, and I ended up watching it, and the movie ends like I thought it did from the first time I saw it.
I PROMISE, all I did was blink the 1st time. I dont know what happened or who came out or where I went, but there went 20 minutes, just out of nowhere. *shrug*
I feel like I have millions of things buit up inside me that are aching to get out. The urge to cut is so strong. Today on the freeway I burst out crying all of a sudden just because I was so overwhelmed. I stopped it right away because I was getting yelled at inside but I wish I could just everything out. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I could talk to my therapist. I didn't get to talk to her yesterday, and now I have to wait until NEXT Tuesday to see her again. Which is really frustrating, because by next Tuesday, another 15 things will have come up, and I won't ever get to talk to her about what is going on right NOW, and someone else inside will end up taking over and taking up my time anyway.
I HATE being this way.
I HATE MYSELF.
I HATE MY BRAIN.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I just stumbled across this blog and reading it is like reading my own thoughts. I'm in therapy now, but it's too early to expect miracles. I just wanted to let you know how much your words touched me.
Thank you Cee. We're glad to hear that.
Oh yes, I know that overwhelmed feeling where you just burst our crying. i was in the store a long time ago and i threw my hands in the air and said, i can't take this anymore. i walked out of the store. i know people thought i was crazy cause all i had in my cart was a box of generic mac and cheese. it looked like i couldnt take generic mac and cheese. i appeared to be alone but the people inside were there. it was a rough day. i threw my hands in the air and left.
listen, the ups and down seem so drastic. the ups and downs with my DID seem to be very up or very down. i either have strength or I dont. I have cooperation or I dont. there are few times when there is a balance. But the thing is this, if you know how things go for you dont expect what you know wont happen. dont push when you know nothing positive will come of it. accept times when you are less functional. to beat yourself up prolongs these times and takes from the time when things are managable. you were robbed as a kid of too many things. give yourself the gift of humanity by allowing yourself to fall to pieces when you need to.
smiles to you,
Aussie
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