Bravery,my stress test, and friends.
Today I was really brave. I went to visit old friends where I used to work. Usually I stay home and just think about visiting them, and stay busy wishing I could, but stay stuck on the couch. Today I decided to just get up and DO IT. Its been quite a few months since I was there last. I was so nervous, because its hard for me to be around people, but I was so glad I went. It made me feel so good to have people smile when they saw me. My old boss still will not talk to me. Jerk. But that's fine with me, I don't want to talk to him either. I sat down and talked with one of my friends for a long time today, and talked with a bunch of people in the office. It was so good. Those people are just colleagues that I used to work with, whom I only see once or twice a year, but they are the closest things to friends that I have.
I did a couple good things there today when I went for a visit. 1) I didn't stand at the door of my old classroom and reminisce about the old days and my old students, which I used to always do. I also didn't get myself all worked up about all the drama and craziness that went on there, which 5 years ago nearly drove me to kill myself because it was so bad. I think I am finally letting go of that place. I'm able to just go visit my friends there
and relax and have a nice time, instead of feeling like I need 2 hours of therapy afterward.
Today I also had a stress test for my heart. I get all stressed out about them. For a couple of years now there's been something wrong with my heart valve. I always get scared whenever I have to make the long drive out to the cardiologist. A long time ago, I had someone to go with me once or twice, but we're not friends anymore. When I make the same drive now, I still end up crying part of the way, because I get so lonely and scared and want someone to go with me for support. I'm always afraid of more bad news.
Hopefully the doctor will be calling me tomorrow with good news. I'm pretty nervous right now. I wish I had a friend here with me to help me wait for the call. I've been dizzy all day, partly dissociating and partly probably nervousness. I just want good news. I just want my heart to get back to normal again.
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