Bottled up feelings, making eye contact
I'm carrying a lot of bottled of feelings again. I want to get them out, but even when I'm talking to my therapist (the only person in the world I have to talk to), I can't really let myself talk. We had this really long therapy session the other day and it was so hard, over the dumbest thing. I was a few minutes late, because of traffic, and kept apologizing, I was afraid I'd get into trouble. Of course, that wouldn't happen. My therapist isn't my dad. I know that. But the old tapes inside my head are so ingrained. I kept apologizing and she said I kept acting like I was shaking in my boots. I couldn't help myself. She wanted me to just make eye contact with her so I could see she wasn't mad. But I couldnt do that. I dont make eye contact with anyone, ever. EVER. I had other things to talk about, but she wouldnt let me move on until I could just practice making some eye contact, because its so hard for me, she just wanted me to do this one simple thing. I KNOW its simple. Missy makes eye contact all the time--- SHE stares people down. Everyone else can look at people. Except me. I'm so afraid to. Eyes are windows to the soul. I dont want to see people looking at me and seeing how horrible I am. And I'm so afraid of what I will see if I look at someone, see them being mad or judging me or scaring me.
It took over an hour of a pep talk and talking to myself (and lots of calling myself names because I felt so stupid, and then my therapist talking me out of doing that) just to look at her once for a couple seconds. I was terrified.
I feel so dumb. If everyone else inside can look at people, why can't I?
Its so stupid.
I did get to talk finally, a little bit. But I had to do it from far away. I'm afraid to get started and open up again in therapy. I have to keep quiet. Being back at my family's house for the holidays just reminded me and reinforced all the family's rules that I grew up with-- be quiet, keep my mouth shut, don't tell. So the only thing I actually talked about is the problems we're all having with Mae lately. What I need to talk about is ... well, other stuff. See, I can't even mention it in y journal entry. How dumb is that.
The best thing for me to do is hide. Hide from the feelings that are all bottled up inside me. I have wanted to cut so badly lately. But I haven't.
jo.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
