Too raw, too bright, too loud, no skin on

I have always felt
too uncontained
Too raw too loud too little too crazy
Too bright too quiet too happy too sad
Too dark too creative too smart
too thought-full Too fast too big too weird
too inventive too bad too odd Too wiggly too enthusiastic too slippery
too depressed too expressive too emotional
Too spread out and like I have no skin on
For the World
Like a giant, fat prickly puffer fish that no one can get close to because they can’t stand me because there’s just too much of me.
My mom used to say "CONTAIN YOURSELF!" when I would get too excited or happy or sad or... anything. We weren't allowed to show any emotion but happiness in our house. But we would get yelled at if we showed too much of THAT, even. Sometimes we got in trouble for laughing during dinner. {Geez people, dont you know that dinner is for SERIOUS people ONLY?} :-P

I have always collected containers… big ones, small ones. Giant ones Plastic ones. Glass ones. Wood ones. In every color of the rainbow. I have containers to keep my containers in. Tupperware and Gladware are my best friends.
I am always trying to Contain things. Contain MYSELF. MYSELVES. Put myself in a box and STAY THERE and BEHAVE.

Part of me wishes I could just be free to be me and not have to edit myself just to be acceptable to the world. But the rest of me knows that if I’m ever going to get anywhere, I better conform to what people think is OK or I’ll never get along in this world. Put some bars around that puffer fish, girl. Its better for other people, and they will say its ultimately better for me, to put some boundaries around myself and not be so…. MUCH. Not so much BIG . Not so much EMOTIONAL. Not so much “AAAGGGHHHH!!!!” Not so much “There she goes again!” Not so much “I don’t know what to do with her.” Not so much ME. Put some skin on and CONTAIN myself. I have to learn how.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by donna on December 22, 2005