November 4, 2005

I can see why Wellbutrin is contraindicated for people with eating disorders. Between the Wellbutrin and the Topamax I'm already on, I've completely last my appetite again. I can go 14 hours without eating and not even care. Its actually kind of nice. But I've been drinking high protein Boost as a supplement to make sure I at least get some nutrition.
This has been a really hard week. Therapy on Tuesday started off going well, then went sour pretty quickly with a random comment that set me off. Tuesday night, Wednesday, and Thursday were horrible enough that I dont even want to talk about it. I haven't been sleeping and I'm exhausted. Therapy is just too hard sometimes.
Thursday night, went to therapy, tried to mend things a bit with my therapist, I'm not sure how that went. Jo asked her a question that she needs time to think about the answer. Now we're left waiting til Wednesday to find out what the answer will be. Hard to wait.
We have to do better. We HAVE to. Before our therapist kicks us out or gets sick of us and kicks us out of therapy. Surviving October was good. That counts for something at least to me. So far though, November isn't looking too great. :(

Posted by pilgrim at 9:45 PM | Comments (4)

November 5, 2005

As it turned out, I was the only one who showed up at group this morning. Made me a little anxious. I was sort of disappointed because I really did have things to talk about this week that I'm having major problems with. Thankfully though, the therapist that runs group sat and talked with me a while anyway, even though there wasn't technically a "group". Well, unless you count all the inside people who were sitting there listening to her along with me :-P
I talked to her about the problems I'm having managing time and especially ending therapy sessions on time, which has been an endless source of frustration for both me and my therapist. I have absolutely no sense of time, and it makes things so complicated. I can't tell how long 10 minutes is when she gives me a "we have about 10 minutes left" warning. I can't tell how long an hour is, how long a session is supposed to last. I can't seem to "feel" what time is supposed to be like. Between a short attention span and dissociating all the time, I've completely lost my sense of time, if I ever had it to begin with.
I'll write more about those ideas tomorrow, but I think I've got some good things to try . Hopefully it will help things go better for me.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:08 PM | Comments (0)

November 6, 2005

Something occurred to me. I want something, that’s mine alone. That the others can’t take away. I want something that’s mine, that they can’t steal away like they do with Time.
I always have avoided feelings. My own feelings I mean. And let the others take them because I didn’t want to feel them.
But maybe if I could take some feelings. And claim them for me. And say “I, Pilgrim, feel this way”… and then… they are something I could have for me. They would be MINE, something no one else could take away. Then I could have some things for myself to hold on to. To keep me grounded on the Earth instead of always floating away.
Of course, I can’t even figure out what feelings are most of the time. I know happy, sad, ….um….disappointed. That’s about it.

Well yesterday we had a big inside meeting after I talked with ___ at _____ about the problems I’m having and she made some suggestions, I wrote them down the best I could understand them, and I’m typing up exactly what the Kids wrote in my notebook afterwards

____’s suggestions:
1. Sign in/sign out sheet: so T knows who is there at the session and doesn’t have to guess and doesn’t have to ask that embarrassing questions “Who am I talking to?”. Saves both people time. Also to know who is leaving a session and make sure there is an adult around. You have to be able to write your name to be able to leave.
2. A timer (for me) to practice timing to learn what an hour feels like I also (my idea) ordered a visual timer (timetimer.com) not just for me but also for my class, it has red on it that shows how much time is left, when the red gets littler, there is less time, it’s a way to see time passing, which is something I need to learn to develop is a sense of time. Since I can’t even tell how long 5 minutes is or 1 hour is. Like, I sat there and talked to ___ for a little bit. I couldn’t tell you if we talked for 10 minutes or if we talked for an hour or what. I didn’t look at a clock to see what time we started or ended.
3. A digital clock (half of us cant read a regular clock) so we can keep track of time ourselves
4. We can pretend ourselves that our sessions only going to be 20 or 30 minutes so we better hurry up and start talking
5. Let T know what we need in the last 10 minutes. So she doesn’t feel helpless or frustrated. Tell her with words. Use are words. Like say I need a hug or I need help calming down.
4. We need T to help us make sure there’s a grown up there BEFORE we go out the office door. T can be real firm about it because its about SAFETY. There has to be someone over 16 who is NOT upset to leave the office. T can ask for a grown up who is calm to come and one has to come. No in 30 minutes but right then. Then we can sign out and leave.

Going to share these with my Therapist this week. Hopefully they will be helpful.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:13 PM | Comments (0)

November 7, 2005

I have always felt
too uncontained
Too raw too loud too little too crazy
Too bright too quiet too happy too sad
Too dark too creative too smart
too thought-full Too fast too big too weird
too inventive too bad too odd Too wiggly too enthusiastic too slippery
too depressed too expressive too emotional
Too spread out and like I have no skin on
For the World
Like a giant, fat prickly puffer fish that no one can get close to because they can’t stand me because there’s just too much of me.
My mom used to say "CONTAIN YOURSELF!" when I would get too excited or happy or sad or... anything. We weren't allowed to show any emotion but happiness in our house. But we would get yelled at if we showed too much of THAT, even. Sometimes we got in trouble for laughing during dinner. {Geez people, dont you know that dinner is for SERIOUS people ONLY?} :-P

I have always collected containers… big ones, small ones. Giant ones Plastic ones. Glass ones. Wood ones. In every color of the rainbow. I have containers to keep my containers in. Tupperware and Gladware are my best friends.
I am always trying to Contain things. Contain MYSELF. MYSELVES. Put myself in a box and STAY THERE and BEHAVE.

Part of me wishes I could just be free to be me and not have to edit myself just to be acceptable to the world. But the rest of me knows that if I’m ever going to get anywhere, I better conform to what people think is OK or I’ll never get along in this world. Put some bars around that puffer fish, girl. Its better for other people, and they will say its ultimately better for me, to put some boundaries around myself and not be so…. MUCH. Not so much BIG . Not so much EMOTIONAL. Not so much “AAAGGGHHHH!!!!” Not so much “There she goes again!” Not so much “I don’t know what to do with her.” Not so much ME. Put some skin on and CONTAIN myself. I have to learn how.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:08 PM | Comments (1)

November 25, 2005

Has anyone seen the new, updated version of the old Henry Fonda/ Lucille Ball classic yet? I saw it this week with my husband, and thought it was really good. It has created a real dilemma in my mind, though...
In the movie, the mother has 10 children and a very laid-back parenting style. Home is a place for free expression, messiness, and lots of love. The father is an admiral with 8 children who runs a tight ship, very orderly. The fun part of the movie is when the 2 families join together and try to get along.
Inside of my mind, we have this problem ALL the time. Especially when it comes to taking care of the inside kids. It carries over into my job as well, where I take care of children. There are some of us who are extremely laid back, such as Carolineine and a few kids. Carolineine is into everyone being themselves, showing their feelings, expressing themselves opening (who cares if it makes a mess? messes can be cleaned up!)There are some of us who are extremely anal retentive. Missy is into running a tight ship and has a few inside kids like her. She would be great in the military. Missy loves having everything neat, in rows, on a schedule, having charts to follow, using neatly typed lists, and expects children to only speak when spoken to. She believes in spanking children and that parents rule the roost. You don't question rules. You just do what you're told to with a quick "Yes, sir!" As for myself, its hard for me to know what is right. If someone tells me what to do, I want to know WHY first. I want to understand why they're being bossy, why they want me to do something, and then I'll think about it, decide if its something I really want to do. I can never figure out anything else. My teaching style depends on who is out front that day. Usually, its Carolineine who teaches, so the children in my class have the consistency of a calm, loving teacher who sets clear limits on their behavior and talks things out. Its the adults who have to deal with Missy, who rants about things being messy and out of order and how she has to fix everything. Then there's me, who is just trying to figure out who did what last, and trying to catch up on what's been going on.

Sometimes I wish I could have just ONE opinion on something. I wish I could pick just ONE thing and stick with it, and not feel like such a revolving door. Inside of me, everyone wants and likes and hates such different things, its impossible to keep up. Just shopping for some shampoo can take half and hour. If I ever were to become a parent, the discussion on how to BE a parent would probably take YEARS.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:38 PM | Comments (2)

November 30, 2005

Everyone is making their Christmas lists right now. Even inside kids are-- Mae wants anything that has fairies on it-- especially a fairy doll. Other kids have cut out pictures of toys out of catalogues, from soccer balls to bikes. What we really want most though is a kitten. But that would not be the perfect present.
The perfect present would be a friend. Like a real friend, a best friend. Like a soul mate. It is all I want. It is all everyone inside wants. Today was a really hard day. My husband had to have surgery. I was so worried about him. I had to wait in the waiting room all day by myself. Nearly everyone else in the waiting room had someone to wait with them. In fact, I think that EVERYONE else was in pairs. I do not have any friends or family who could have come be there with me. I kept wondering, what if something happened? Who would I even call? The only people I have are some aquaintances at work, and my therapist and nutritionist. And they are paid to be in my life.
I just want a FRIEND. I wanted so badly for someone to just be there to sit with me today. All day I've been so stressed out and I just feel like I'm about to collapse. It would have made s uch a difference to have someone there to offer some support while I support and take care of my husband. I just want a friend for Christmas. I want so much for someone to hang out with and sit there with me in waiting rooms.
i'm sorry. i'm tired and this probably made no sense at all. there's a lot of yelling and talking going on in my head tonight and i'm so exhausted i cant deal with any of it.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:01 PM | Comments (2)