Pressure to be Perfect

Sometimes I get really frustrated, and I was wondering if anyone can relate, and if anyone has ideas on what I can do about it.

I feel like everyone who knows I am a multiple(outside people-- husband, friends, therapist) expects me to handle everything on my own. Because after all, I've got lots of people inside. I've got a listener, a little girl, some boys, a teacher, a teenager, etc. I'm crying an need comfort? I feel pressure to get it only from "myself" and not ask anyone on the outside. Need something fixed? I feel the pressure to just ask one of the boys to do it. Need ideas on how to handle something terrible that just happened? It feels like I am only supposed to "ask inside" and find out from the Teacher what she thinks.

I just feel like I'm supposed to be this totally self-supporting, independent being because I have inside people. I mentioned this to my therapist tonight and she shook her head as though she disagreed. However, her actions speak louder than words. The harder things get for me, the less support I get from her and the more I'm supposed handle things "inside" with the others. (She is a great therapist; she just can't be there when I need help. Whenever I need help the most, no friends or family are available... just bad coincidences, I guess. Either that or God doesn't like me.) I don't know what to do about this pressure... I dont know what to do about it. Just because one part of me named Carolineine ALWAYS has her act together, and seems so "perfect" and wonderful, doesn't mean that I can do that. I'm a completely different person than her; I don't think like she does, I can't get organized like her, I am a lot more depressed than her which affects everything I do. Sure, maybe if Carolineine were the main person she could be totally self sufficient, but I, as Pilgrim, just cannot pull it off.

Its so frustrating and I dont know what to do with it. I feel like I'm supposed to handle everything on my own and not ask for help from anyone outside. But because I'm a multiple, there's even more pressure to handle everything on my own. But I'm exhausted and depressed, scared out of my mind, and extremely overwhelmed with all the work that therapy & getting along entails. I can barely keep my own act together, let alone manage the needs of 10 other inside people. I wish I could get it across clearly enough to outside people: I am cutting and doing eating disorder stuff and I can't think and we're switching all the time and I can't get anything done at work anymore; DONT YOU THINK THAT IF WE COULD HANDLE THIS ON OUR OWN, WE WOULD? We need more HELP.

I'm sorry for whining tonight. Tonight is an anniversary of the death of a loved one. And I need to talk about it, but there isn't anyone up tonight to talk to about it. My heart is aching inside today and I can't move on from someone's death and I just wish I could somehow but I dont know how.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by matthew on February 15, 2006