How do I forgive myself?
Tonight in a 2 hour session, my therapist pushed me really hard. Talking about October and why its so hard... I went in there already close to shutting down. I'm always so quiet and can't make eye contact anyway. She kept pushing me and pushing me. I dont know how to stop hating myself for letting myself be raped. I still think its all my fault. Because I am a girl. Because I was fat & curvy instead of bone-thin. Because I wore a skirt. Because I am bad. Because, because, because. I have dozens of reasons. My therapist thinks I'm making excuses for HIM... that I need to direct all this anger at him. I dont know how. I can only hate ME. The only person I'm mad at is ME.
For a little while tonight I ran away. I stepped aside and let Mae talk for a bit. I just needed a break from the pushing and I gave in. Mae was already there listening and wanting to talk. I let her take over. I came back at the end to drive home. I wish I could stay disappeared.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Jo, He is a rapist and a criminal. He is bad and its all his fault.No one has the right to touch you or hurt you..no one!!!!! You were his victim. You did nothing wrong.He would have done it no matter what because he was and is evil.You are good and beautiful and never hurt others. You are loved and he is hated. you are good he is evil.It was him jo trust us.donna
Hi everyone, I was abused as a child by my father. I have since stayed in contact with him until recently. All these years I have struggled to forget and forgive what was done. Its not that simple. Every day I look in the mirror and think that I am not good enough for my boyfriend because I was tainted at such a young age. He has been supportive of me this whole time. It plagues to forget what happen, yet no matter how hard I try I only seem to feel better for a little while. I am scared that if I dont start to feel better about myself I might lose the person I care most about.
It will always be hard to move on from this...almost all women blame themselves!!! It is easier than blaming the person who did it because you can't get revenge on them as good as you can get revenge on yourself! Also keep in mind that these thoughts were planted in your mind since you were little...you were taught to always blame yourself...for whatever consequences.
I think sometimes about what I would do to that guy...if I ever saw him. He's an ugly person who deserves the worst. Hard telling who else he did this to.
Love,
Your Sis