Co-conciousness with another part
I am trying something new. Listening to another part that I have actually been ignoring for years and years. Things have been really bad the past few weeks, and my therapist wanted both of us to do something different, because nothing's going to change until Jo and I change what we're doing.
This is like, being paired up with a lab partner that you can’t stand. Things feel prickly between us when Jo and I are around at the same time. Its almost like… feeling like 2 porcupines getting too close. I don’t like it. She doesn’t either.
At some point in the past couple days, Jo looked up and saw my face in the mirror and got all confused because she didn’t see herself, she saw my body and face instead of 17 year old body and face and braces and long thick hair. THAT DID NOT GO OVER WELL.
The past few days I have been dissociating a lot and at times its been so strange because I’m aware that I’m doing it and trying to stop it. I feel myself separating from my body and stepping back and its so hard to get back into my body and then it happens again and again. And talking inside, having inside meetings, its sucking up bunches of energy and so I keep falling asleep.
So anyway, she is telling me what happened…
I am trying to listen. I guess I still keep myself separated somewhat.
I cannot afford to have any real feelings about it. Am I supposed to? But I was taught not to have any feelings! I’m not Carolineine!
What would be the point in getting upset, or crying, or mad, or scared, because, all those things with the boyfriend were a long time ago, can’t we just forget them? Having feelings about it now won’t do any good, would it? So why does Jo get so upset?
She says I ‘m afraid to feel anything.
So?
I don’t mean “so” in a bad way, I just wonder, what good would it do? The bad guy is gone, he doesn’t care what he did, what’s the point of being upset about something that happened 15 years ago?
Can’t Jo just forget it… and pretend it never happened like I did?
I’m really frustrated with myself. I haven’t got a clue as to what direction I am supposed to be going with all this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be thinking about, or what would be helpful. I wish I could call my therapist and ask her for some ideas. I miss being able to call her. I don’t know what I should do to work on all this stuff or say to Jo or anything. Its so frustrating to not know what to do. I guess I’ll just go back to laying on the couch. Feeling so paralyzed all the time lately. Today I spent almost the whole day on the couch. Again.
I HATE IT when I have no idea what to do. Or if I’m even doing the right thing. I just have no idea.
I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to get advice from. Someone who could at least bounce around some ideas with.i wish i had someone to talk to.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
your post really touched me. I have been going through the same thing lately. My little Marina is getting really frustrated because she is begining to understand that yes..she shares one body with many and no..she really is no longer five years old.she is really sad that she has missed a whole bunch of life and wants to know where it has gone.she is going to freak out when she see's that some of the adults have not done such good things but..anyway..my suggestion is to feel wjat needs to be felt. hard I know and very, very lonely.jo just wants you to honor her for what she went through so do your best to give her that..afterall, probably she protected you in some way.mkz
I think jo needs you to feel sad for what she went through.Having feelings for jo shows compassion like you would show if a child was hurt.Showing compassion is really showing love, love for Jo.She doesn't need you to to feel the terror and torture but sadness for what Jo went through and a great love for her taking over in a very terrible time. Can you see her beauty? If you can see her beauty like we do then it might be a good idea to let her know.She needs someone to love her and let her know she is a good and beautiful person! donna
I'm only speaking from my experience and from what I have had to do - but I have found that the only thing that has worked for me is to FEEL the feelings, no matter how hard and unbearable it seems. You asked why you can't just forget it happened - has that worked? How far has that gotten you? If you're not where you want to be, maybe it's time to try a different way. Whether we like it or not, these things have happened to us. We have to FEEL what was associated with it in order to move beyond it. It IS possible to move beyond it, but you have to go through it first and that means feeling the feelings. I know it sucks, but I have found that it's the only way that works.
(((Pilgrim))) Thinking of you.