month of october
let me preface this by saying i KNOW this is dumb and it doesnt make sense and its not logical and I KNOW it isn't 19__ anymore and for heavens sake it isn't even OCTOBER yet, October doesn't start til tomorrow. I KNOW this makes no sense. Ok. Consider yourself forewarned.
This was the WEEKEND that everything started that October. That Friday night, HE was at my house. He came to my house that Friday night. Saturday night was our date. First stupid date that should have been our last.
i feel like i'm being strangled. i know its just body memories. I KNOW that. I feel like my wrists are being held so tight. i know it has to be my imagination. i feel like i can't catch my breath right, because i keep forgetting to breathe -- because I keep thinking I cant breathe, I keep remembering not being able to breathe and waking up with someone's hand over my mouth in the dark so I wouldn't scream. I KNOW these things aren't happening, I keep telling myself that, and it keeps going over and over again anyway.
the urge to cut has been so strong today. i've been trying to not even let my arms or hands be in my line of sight because i want to cut them to bits. what would this even prove? i dont know. but it would make me feel better? I dont think so, except for that very short endorphine thing.
i can't scream outside, i want the screams on the inside to get out, i dont know how else, i dont know. its dumb. all day i keep thinking how fat i am, how i should have had that 5 bites of lasagna at lunchtime, there I sat cutting the rest of it up into little pieces, how stupid is THAT, that is such an eating disorder thing that I haven't done in a long time and today it was like I HAD to do it to make me feel better. why did it make me feel better? thats dumb. At the movies tonight I didn't dare get candy... thats too unsafe. This is STUPID. no it isn't. its safe. . No one CARES about this anymore. its time to drop it. we've DONE this round 18 times already, can't we just be done with it and move on? why can't i just forget about it and just start eating right and stop cutting and forget the memories and get ON with my life already?
i am so panicky. this is dumb. panicking isnt going to help anything. i want to c-u-r-l up on my couch under a blanket like Jo does and hide and not come out and i know that isnt going to help anything so i cant do that. my wrists and arms feel like they're aching to be cut. jo wanted to cut so bad last night but didn't. i know she took extra medicine and went to bed. it doesnt work that way on me. i want to figure things out not hide from them. i dont know. HE's not here. At a restaurant though tonight, a guy looked like him. And our waiter was wearing Polo cologne which is what he wore and that stuff makes me gag. There's little reminders of him everywhere.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
