the frustration of a doctor visit & different selves
I had a checkup recently. It didn't go as well as I hoped. With a history of an eating disorder, my body isn't in as good of shape as I would like, even though I've been trying to eat better, sleep more, and get a lot of rest. The doctor asked how I've been feeling (told her I've been doing good, feeling fine, not restricting, eating well.)
Then though, my dietician called me (I am so grateful). She said that she heard I HAVENT been eating very well at times this summer. The best answer I could give her is “I don’t know.” Because… geesh… I REALLY DON’T KNOW. That makes me wonder, what if I didn’t even give the Dr the correct answers to her questions? She asked how I’ve been feeling, and I told her I’ve been feeling good. I have been. Haven’t I? I’m pretty sure I have been.
BUT....
Jo complains of feeling sick and tired a lot. But is she really SICK? Or is it because Jo is still stuck being 17 and believes she just got raped last night by our ex-boyfriend and THAT’S why her body hurts? Mae, the 5 year old, complains of stomach aches. Does she really have a stomach ache or is it psychosomatic? We take pepto-bismal just to make her feel better at times, and sometimes try to get her to tough it out, but really, how much is in her head (our head) and how much is real? Of course, there are the endless headaches… but then, Carolineine comes around, and the headache disappears immediately. Or Mae comes back out, and the head feels fine because it was Mae who’s yelling from inside was what was causing the big headache in the 1st place. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW WE FEEL??
So my dietician wants me to write down all my foods and drinks again. We have been this route a few times before. Listing foods in a daily diary. It works for a few days, then fizzles out. The thing is, not everyone does it. And I forget. And others forget. And some refuse. (I’ll give you ONE GUESS WHO)[I told you guys I am not playing this game! MISSY] god, SHUT UP brat. Shut up.
*time out needed*
there fiting
we’re NOT fighting. Missy just needs to grow up and quit being so freaking stubborn.
I’M STUBBORN?GO TO HELL.
Seroihjdogif jsdij ewjsdo; gfnve;jfrdhdvjhsdfhjsdfjlksdsdfsdfhjsdfsdfdfsjk SHUT UP AT least I know better than to become a fat COW you lazy idiot! Don’t talk to ME ABOUT BEING STUBBORN. I HATE ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP. Shut the hell up about growing up. I’m more independent and self- sufficient than the rest of you put together. GET OFF MY BACK. You’ve ruined my body and you’ve ruined my life. LEAVE ME ALONE. MISSY.
Nise tanrum and you say bad words
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* TIME OUT IMPOSED BY CarolineINE. EVERYONE SEPARATE NOW.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is Carolineine. Now that everyone’s gone into various rooms and slammed doors (sigh, like that helps)…
I think that we’re just all frustrated. It takes so much hypervigilance and work just for us to get through each day, it takes a lot of energy… I think its just frustrating that we can NEVER let up, never just take a few days off from the journaling/meetings/writing/etc without things messing up inside so fast. I think everyone just wants a break, you know like people can just go take a vacation, but we just can’t do that—there’s no escaping what we have to do every day, there’s no escaping each other, we are ALWAYS having to do the high maintenance stuff inside just to function like a normal person does. I think we’re just all tired and frustrated tonight.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
