July 2, 2005

Right now there is a lot going on inside. There is a lot of talking back and forth, arguing, a lot of flashbacks. Therapy was so hard on Thursday night, and we're all reeling inside from it. Still cant talk about it. Just too much, too overwhelming.
But today, some good things happened anyway. And that is what I have to focus on. An old friend who I used to teach with called me. She moved far away, but we still talk on the phone a couple times a year, and today was the day. We talked for a good long time, catching up on each other's lives. I miss her so much. And it made me feel so much better to just be on the phone with her. I don't confide my secrets in her or anything-- our relationship isn't like that. But just to have someone familiar, that I've been friends with a long time, who knows a lot of the same stories I do, who teaches similar to how I do, who loves kids the way I do... it just really helps. Also, she had good news to share with me about some things going on in her life. And I needed to hear some good news SO badly. I was so happy to hear from her.
Finding the positive things about every day is so important to me. Every day each of us (even the 5 year old) looks for things that went right. I dont think we used to do this (it seems like I was raised by parents who have a glass-is-half-empty world view). It was something that my therapist got us started doing several years ago-- she made me keep a notebook, and write down 2 things every day that were positive or that I'd done well. It was really, really hard to do at first. For a while I even stopped doing it. It made it more dificult that the 5 year old kept tearing up the notebook every time she got angry, and we had to keep buying new ones.
But now finding positives comes really easily, and for that I'm grateful. It helps us keep on going every day. Even right now while Mae (the 5 year old) is having terrible flashbacks and spending hours crying inside, she's still finding pleasure in the rain or cuddling up with her dog. Its still a good world, no matter what people did to us or said to us. People can be real jerks, and lots of bad things happen, but we just try not to focus on that anymore. It wasted so much of our energy and just made us sadder. We have a part named Nobody who still does that, and she has no energy left for anything else. Those of us inside who have been able to look for positives every day, have found that we find the positives every day. We've noticed that we tend to find what we look for. In people and in the world.
[I wonder if that can also be true about whats inside us?]

Posted by pilgrim at 7:35 PM | Comments (1)

July 4, 2005

This entry probably won't make much sense. I have a big headache today... being really switchy today for several reasons... and there is a lot going on. I can barely gather my thoughts, so everything's going to sound random.
Fourth of July-- the inside kids loved the fireworks show. Every year, that's a big hit. Especially the cherry snowcone. Only when Mae wrote about it,[she's five, remember!] she wrote it down on paper as "cheery snowclown", which gives the icy treat a completely new meaning!
Kids are really wanting someone their own age on the outside to play with. It isnt the same for Mae and Tuck to just have each other to play with, and they are rarely "out" together so that they can play together. Its usually just one or the other. Mae is so lonely, and wants someone her own age to be around. Which, of course, is not just a dilemma but an impossibility: where do we find a 5 year old who's also living in a grown up's body? This is just one thing that we cannot seem to fix.
At home, she can do things like play in the sprinkler and watch how the sun makes rainbows in the droplets of water. She can do things like paint with watercolors and curl up with her stuffed animals. But its very difficult to find anyone who's willing to listen to an "adult"[body,anyway] talk about all her discoveries... I am sure people think I am really retarded or weird.
I get so depressed and feel so freakish because I'm VERY aware that I'm not your average adult. Instead of going out with friends, going to clubs, having Tupperware parties... "I" am playing with dolls and practicing writing the alphabet and doing things that a 5 year old does. Or the inside 8 year old might be outside examining bugs and writing stories about life on other planets. I am not exactly your average 30-something.
The inside kids are so lonely... the inside adults are so lonely... I am often so loney just because I feel like I'm so DIFFERENT. You'd think that with all these inside people, we wouldn't even GET lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. Its ALWAYS been "just us." Its always been us on our own, with only each others' company. Entertaining ourselves. We have so much to say and so much to tell, even the kids. But most of the time, no one asks, and thats hard. The kids especially-- they have so much they want to share, but no one knows they're there. That's what seems to really be bothering them today. That they have so much to talk about, but they're invisible, because they're stuck inside.
i know they're there....doesn't that count?

Posted by pilgrim at 5:26 PM | Comments (0)

July 5, 2005

I'm just venting so that I don't go cutting or purging is all.
This is just me and this is disheartening. I just got another bill from _____ the hospital I was in back in May. They want another $907 for treatment. Do I have $907? No. And my paycheck was $1,000 short last month because I was inpatient. I already owe a $1,097 bill somewhere else this month on top of my regular bills.This makes me think I AM NEVER GOING INPATIENT AGAIN NO MATTER HOW BADLY I NEED IT. DAMMIT. I HATE MONEY. Plus my dog needs surgery. I know I took this summer off from working to work just on recovery, but right about now I sure am re-thinking that decision. I dont know if I did the right thing or not. It sure has been good to have lots of time to rest, and time to do lots of reading on recovery stuff, and lots of time to do writing and artwork... and a little cold hard cash would be helpful about now too.
Carolineine keeps saying "oh, the Lord will provide". Thats what Carolineine Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie is always saying. Uh-hm. I sure hope so. My stomach really hurts. I wish I could have the freedom to go back to the hospital just because everyone inside needs it so much... I wish money didn't get in the way. I am out of things to sell on Ebay. *end of whining*
What I feel like doing is cutting, purging, and exercising until I fall down. Thanks to all this recovery work, I guess what I will choose to do is sit and read more and write more until my hands practically fall off and my eyeballs go blind. *yay for recovery*

Missy is REALLY giving me a hard time for ever going inpatient in the 1st place... sorry for all the sarcasm.She's standing there with her arms on her hips quoting stuff from dad. I'm frustrated at my lack of funds. She is just generally mad at ME. I'm not real happy with myself or any parts of me at the moment either. It feels like I have things exploding inside my head. If Carolineine comes around right now and tries to make nice, Missy may have to kill her.

*OK* ... deep breath. Thanks for letting me whine & vent. I'm going to go escape now either inside or take a nap and disappear, because I don't want to handle all this.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:23 PM | Comments (3)

July 8, 2005

I wish so much I could just be normal. I really do.
I hate that we're DID. I really do. I want so much to just have a normal brain.
DID causes so many problems. It makes things so complicated. Its so hard to find anyone who understands. I can't even begin to explain the problems that are going on in life right now because of it.
BECAUSE OF ME. Because of MY MIND. Because of ME.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:52 AM | Comments (0)

July 9, 2005

Today I did something for which I'm actually kind of proud of myself.
Something I've been wanting to do for a long time, contemplated, fumbled around about, put off, wondered about "what would it be like?"
So today I finally made a decision, and did something Ive been wanting to do for years. It was scary. Something I thought I'd never have the courage to do.
To most people, it would probably be something small. Not a huge deal. But to me, it was something I built up and up and up in my mind until it became much more than it actually was. This simple thing I did today had become a symbol for my past, for things I was tied to, for ideas I couldn't let go of, for things I was afraid of, an image I felt I needed to hold on to.
But today I let go.
And did something I was afraid to.
And it was hard, and scary. And i just DID it. It was my decision. Not anyone inside, not Carolineine or Missy or Mae or Tuck... it was MY decision... PILGRIM.
It felt good.
In spite of the fact that in reality, my insides are in turmoil and I am having an incredibly hard time right now, I am still capable of taking care of myself. How about that.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:04 PM | Comments (1)

July 14, 2005

Things are going better this week. Last week, things were so hard that we could barely breathe or sleep.
But this week, things are going so much better.
Its been a little difficult though because my therapist is moving to a new office. Today was the last appointment in her current office, and that was hard. I'm not sure exactly what went on, because I was so dissociated. One of the kids was there the whole time, and I can picture my body laying on the floor playing with some toys... something about... hating having to move all the time. All my life, we've had to move a lot. Always on the move. Always going from one place to another. Military family. Just get settled in one house, and its time to move to another. New schools, always being the new kid, always packing up boxes. Sometimes it felt like it wasn't even worth it to unpack. After a while, I actually did start to leave things in their boxes. As a child, I never was allowed to really be sad about moving. It was always "we're moving, hurry up, pack up, lets go, I mean it, hurry up!" Hardly ever got to say goodbyes. It was always so hard. Left so many people, so many rooms, so many houses behind.

But today, its ok to be sad. And that helps so much.
We've been talking, about my therapist moving her office again. She's moved before. Each time its been a little scary. But each time it has worked out ok. There is something really nice about each new office, even though we miss the old offices too. Her new office isn't going to be as big, but there's a window that you can see a tree growing in the yard.
Being allowed to feel sad, and having the chance to talk about the move, has helped a lot. Not being told to "just get over it", being allowed to just sit and be sad, and talk to my therapist and hear about how she is a little sad about moving offices too, that has helped immensely.
So, we're even looking forward to a new office a little bit. Interesting how, being allowed to feel a feeling, we can feel it and move on to something else. Never had that before.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:28 PM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2005

This morning I went to the DID support group in my county again. Its held twice a month, but I wish it was held more often. I had stopped going altogether for about a year because I was just in a bad spot, mentally. But this summer I've been able to go back. Today was helpful. Its so nice to know I'm not alone in some of the things that happen inside. For instance, someone else brought up a problem today that I struggle with all the time, but I dont think I've ever talked about.
Its with driving. Its just always been dangerous for me.
I've had too many friends be killed in car accidents in the past... things I still am not over with for a number of reasons. So every time me or someone I love is in a car, I'm completely paranoid and terrified of them having an accident and getting killed.
Secondly, its a big problem to be dissociating while driving. Lots of people, by the way, do this. The whole "highway hyponosis" thing is when people kind of space out while driving and get to their destination without quite realizing how they did it, because they are so used to driving the route and don't really have to pay attention anymore.
But this is different.
I've always had kids or teenagers take over while driving, which as one of my good friends will attest to, is a BIG HUGE problem. The kids think they can drive. They CANT. They think they can read road signs. They CANT. One time my friend was driving with me, and the 5 year old took over and nearly rushed the car into the highway and traffic. Thank goodness for me, I dont remember the incident because I wasn't there at all, but my poor friend-- who knows what terrible things SHE went through because of that little switch. :(
Also, I've got Nobody inside, and she is always very depressed and sometimes suicidal. She wants to do things like ram the car into oncoming traffic, or head into a semi at 100 mph to see if it'll kill her. It takes every ounce of my willpower to keep her from doing this, especially when her arms tense up and I can feel myself losing control over my body. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Its so hard to maintain control. A few times, I've had to pull over to the side of the road and take a break until Carolineine or someone else more responsible could take over and control these impulses.
Another problem is with the kids, they are very into "Science Experiments." Such as, "hey what would happen if the car went flying over the bridge? would we fly? does gravity work? can we make the car go like a roller coaster? how far would the car go before we started to sink? does the car float?" I spend many a car trip talking to the kids about how we are absolutely NOT going to try flying the car TODAY, sorry; you can do some other science experiment when we get home; YES, I KNOW it would be fun to fly, but we're REALLY not birds.
It was a relief at group today to hear others with DID discuss this, and I also got some ideas about how to handle it. At least on how to handle the kids. Such as with bribes... "We'll do _____ if you let us get home safely... now, we can't do ____ if we're DEAD, right? So lets get the car and us home safe."
Part of my challenge right now is that my therapist is moving her office even farther away than it was already. It was already hard to say goodbye to her office; the 5 year old did that the other day. But now we're going to have to drive farther for every appointment than we already do.
My therapist is worth it; our relationship and the work we do is worth it. I just am so worried that now we're going to be driving more and longer and farther... I'm still trying to figure out how to manage the safety thing when it was already a problem.... not to mention gas money. I'm definitely NOT changing therapists and NOT starting over with someone new. What I have to figure out is how to control everyone inside and how to make driving safer. I've got about 1 week left to figure out how to do that.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:29 PM | Comments (1)

July 19, 2005

I had a checkup recently. It didn't go as well as I hoped. With a history of an eating disorder, my body isn't in as good of shape as I would like, even though I've been trying to eat better, sleep more, and get a lot of rest. The doctor asked how I've been feeling (told her I've been doing good, feeling fine, not restricting, eating well.)

Then though, my dietician called me (I am so grateful). She said that she heard I HAVENT been eating very well at times this summer. The best answer I could give her is “I don’t know.” Because… geesh… I REALLY DON’T KNOW. That makes me wonder, what if I didn’t even give the Dr the correct answers to her questions? She asked how I’ve been feeling, and I told her I’ve been feeling good. I have been. Haven’t I? I’m pretty sure I have been.
BUT....
Jo complains of feeling sick and tired a lot. But is she really SICK? Or is it because Jo is still stuck being 17 and believes she just got raped last night by our ex-boyfriend and THAT’S why her body hurts? Mae, the 5 year old, complains of stomach aches. Does she really have a stomach ache or is it psychosomatic? We take pepto-bismal just to make her feel better at times, and sometimes try to get her to tough it out, but really, how much is in her head (our head) and how much is real? Of course, there are the endless headaches… but then, Carolineine comes around, and the headache disappears immediately. Or Mae comes back out, and the head feels fine because it was Mae who’s yelling from inside was what was causing the big headache in the 1st place. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW WE FEEL??
So my dietician wants me to write down all my foods and drinks again. We have been this route a few times before. Listing foods in a daily diary. It works for a few days, then fizzles out. The thing is, not everyone does it. And I forget. And others forget. And some refuse. (I’ll give you ONE GUESS WHO)[I told you guys I am not playing this game! MISSY] god, SHUT UP brat. Shut up.
*time out needed*
there fiting
we’re NOT fighting. Missy just needs to grow up and quit being so freaking stubborn.
I’M STUBBORN?GO TO HELL.
Seroihjdogif jsdij ewjsdo; gfnve;jfrdhdvjhsdfhjsdfjlksdsdfsdfhjsdfsdfdfsjk SHUT UP AT least I know better than to become a fat COW you lazy idiot! Don’t talk to ME ABOUT BEING STUBBORN. I HATE ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP. Shut the hell up about growing up. I’m more independent and self- sufficient than the rest of you put together. GET OFF MY BACK. You’ve ruined my body and you’ve ruined my life. LEAVE ME ALONE. MISSY.
Nise tanrum and you say bad words
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* TIME OUT IMPOSED BY CarolineINE. EVERYONE SEPARATE NOW.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is Carolineine. Now that everyone’s gone into various rooms and slammed doors (sigh, like that helps)…
I think that we’re just all frustrated. It takes so much hypervigilance and work just for us to get through each day, it takes a lot of energy… I think its just frustrating that we can NEVER let up, never just take a few days off from the journaling/meetings/writing/etc without things messing up inside so fast. I think everyone just wants a break, you know like people can just go take a vacation, but we just can’t do that—there’s no escaping what we have to do every day, there’s no escaping each other, we are ALWAYS having to do the high maintenance stuff inside just to function like a normal person does. I think we’re just all tired and frustrated tonight.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:53 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2005

My sister thinks it would be a good idea for me to post some entries of what it REALLY sounds like inside my head. So I'm going to start doing that, posting *uncensored* journal entries here. That ought to be interesting! A real trip inside Pilgrim's head coming up!
(Heaven help my readers)

Posted by pilgrim at 1:27 PM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2005

ARGHHH.... the inside kids are about to stage a coup... and I dont really blame them.
All summer long I've had to rest and be really careful of what I do because my health hasn't been too great. Well now, things are getting a little better, and my doctor says its ok for me to be up and around more, thank goodness! So all summer I have been bribing and cajoling the inside kids with, "We'll go ________ or ______ or (name a fun place) once we're allowed to." Well now we ARE allowed to. And yet, here we sit at home because there's no one to go any place with. Friends are few and far between, the ones I have are busy, family is far away, everyone has fair reasons for not being able to do stuff. We ask, but people are busy or otherwise held up. OK.
The inside kids have fits. "BUT YOU SAID WE COULD!!!" they yell and cry and whine. I try to calm them down. "Just wait, it'll be ok." Well, that only works for so long. Yes, I am an adult and I can be patient. THEY CANT. They are 5 and 8 and 10 and inbetween, and they've been locked up most of their lives, and THEY WANT TO PLAY AND THEY WANT TO DO IT NOW. *sigh*
Sometimes we can go to the park to swing, or go to the batting cages. Those are fun times. They are like little teasers of what's out there. Its plenty enough for me. But the kids want more. "PLEASE!! Please again!" "Can we go again tomorrow?" They dont understand the idea that I have work to do, or that we dont have money to go again, or that I have to be careful because it takes money to put gas in the car to drive somewhere, or that my husband is busy or doesnt feel well. They just want to play.
Today I was going to go somewhere fun with them. A treat. But then, my husband says, wait a few days, and you and I will go. Keep in mind, this has been said before. But ok, I'll give him another chance. Try to be patient. The kids inside SCREAM. "NO! YOU SAID TODAY! You SAID SO!" I try to remind them, that we need to be patient ("We're tired of being patient! You always say that! You dont understand! I'm sick of this! I want to get away!" From then on out, everyone's in a bad mood, looking for ways to sneak in some self- injury--- so now I have to deal with that.
So instead I went to the mall--- we'll get a body massage, which we've been wanting to do all summer, haven't had one since May--- that'll be oool and feel good, won't it? ("NO! BORING!") Well, it'll be fun for me, and it'll feel good on all ur sore muscles, and while its going on, we'll have an inside meeting and talk, okay?
HMPH, say the kids grudgingly. FINE. OK. At least its SOMETHING.
But I got to the mall-- theyre not doing body massages on Thursdays anymore, so we schedule one for tomorrow night. I'm slightly exasperated, but its ok. I'm an adult, I can be patient, slightly impatient, but I can wait til tomorrow.
But the kids say THAT IS ENOUGH! I AM RUNNING AWAY!
They take over, and I'm in the back now.
Off we go to the shoe store. I WANT NEW SHOES AT LEAST! Well, at least they head to Payless. They want new shoes, but I wouldn't buy them any. We have tons of shoes at home, I tell them. They try on cowboy boots (ick!) Can we at least have COWBOY BOOTS? They are so pretty! says Mae, the 5 year old, who recalls that our therapists daughter wears cowboy books. I looked at the price tag: $29.99. Forget it. We can't afford that. The cowboy boots go back on the shelf, and Mae pouts. YOU ARE NOT FUN.
I sighed. All right, we're out of here.
We went into the bookstore across the way and looked at books. But instead Tuck, Mae, and company whine, WE ARE TIRED OF BOOKS! You ALWAYS buy us books! We WANT to ride a roller coaster or go down a water slide. NOT BOOKS!
Fine. I left the bookstore.
Luckily, I spy a new Dollar Store and agree, there might be things we can afford there. The kids eye all the new, cool stuff there. Sparkley things, beads, watches. Right up their alley. I smiled. THANK GOD. This will keep them occupied for a while! Which it did. We wandered semi-peacefully up and down the aisles for 30 minutes, with them asking for just about everything. We ended up with a new watch (which we did really need) for $5 and a huge sparkly purple butterfly to hang in the car window. On the way out, Mae spots some glasses that she just HAS to have: the ones the girl in Harry Potter wears. I have never read a word of Harry Potter, or seen the movies, and to my knowledge neither have the kids, but Mae HAS TO HAVE THESE GLASSES PLEEEEASE. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. AND BESIDES YOU OWE ME CUZ WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE WATER PARK TODAY ANYWAY. Since they are pretty cute, and I've always wanted a pair of round glasses anyway, I agree to spend a couple bucks and get them anyway. Now I have a feeling Mae is going to be wearing her round Harry Potter glasses around the house like a costume. Oh my gosh, if she wears them in public.... oh boy. But she's right, I probably ought to get them, because I've disappointed her time and time again this summer.
The on the way out, their final revenge: the candy store.
Candy. Which I TRY to keep out of the house, or buy in small amounts. BUT IT ISNT FAIR YOU KEEP BORING THINGS TO EAT!! WE WANT CANDY! My body is pulled toward the candy store and they get chocolate and gummies, and dig right in. I'm going to get a stomach ache. I know I am. The one particular chocolate tastes like paint to me. But the kids love it. ITS NOT YOURS ANYWAY SO DONT EAT IT! they remind me when I mention it tastes like paint. ITS GOOD!
I'm trying to do right by them. I am. There are plenty of manuals out there for parents who are raising external children, how to handle them, how to talk to them, what to do with them when they are misbehaving or crying or need a time out. But there aren't any for "What to do when your INTERNAL children take over at the mall" or "How to give your littles a time out when YOU need to get some shopping done." I wish I could figure all this out.
I am so tired. I think its time for a nap. Even though they want to color, play ball outside, and do some crafts. This will be my second nap today. I cant help it. They wear me out, and I cant get away from them, ever.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

July 26, 2005

My therapist is supposed to be back from vacation now, and I'm so relieved. Its hard for me when she goes off on vacation. She certainly needs it and deserves it though, thats for sure! Today we are meeting at her new office. I am excited to see it but also nervous. She's moved offices a few times since I started seeing her several years ago, and its always hard and scary. It always works out though, but its hard to get started in a new place. I hope today goes well. I will probably be nervous, which means dissociating. Which means it will probably be one of the kids who ends up showing up at her office. That is usually what happens. I am hoping though that Ill be able to take control and be somewhat present, so I will get to see what her new office looks like, and update her on how things have been this week.
Been keeping quite busy. Working on a lot of crafts, and a lot of things to get ready for when school starts up again in a few weeks. Our journalling has really slacked off. Thats probably not good, but the thing is, internal dialogue HAS gotten better. We've been talking more inside to each other on a free basis, instead of having set times for internal meetings and forced discussions. So that has been working a little bit better.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:46 AM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2005

i dont understand. where do kids go when the person grows up? if they dont get left behind liek me? where do they go inside? do there big person swallow them up?
i dont no where my litle sister went where my litle uncol went my favrite uncol. they dont be here ane more. but i still be here my age i still am 5 but there not littole.
my theripist her did try to explane but i dont no, it dint make sense.
i dont be having such a good day today. i did see my T today. i did cry some Her trys to teach me about to use my words. i did some bad stuff today i shudnt of.
i get to wathc peter pan this wekend.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:31 PM | Comments (0)