THIS is why.

Tonight is one of those nights when I know why I admitted myself into the hospital last month. Why I force myself to eat when I don't want to. When I force myself to get re-grounded when I'd rather disappear, why I work my way through memories that seem like they should stay buried. Because life is so worth it. Its so worth every hard moment. When I feel like giving up, like drowning, when life is unfair and I know I can either give in or get up... [edit: what I did not mention here is the immense struggle that I have going on in my head tonight between the present and the past which is tearing me apart]
It all comes down to nights like this.

Because my niece has the most beautiful giggle in the entire world.
Because the sun setting makes her hair shine like gold.
Because when she got scared for a moment tonight, she reached out to me for comfort.

Because there are many times when, even when everything in my head is screaming, and I can't think, time still freezes for a moment and I can see a scene like what happened tonight:

There we are (me, Missy, Carolineine, Mae, Tuck, the Bully, Claire, and everyone) all packed inside 1 body. Sitting in the pasture picking flowers with my niece, watching the sun set, and feeling sand filter through our fingers, and she giggles. And I can see myself in my niece's eyes, my sister in her, and our past, and the future, and I wonder what she will do with herself, and I see all the amazing things that my niece can do. And for a minute, everything is right with the world.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by judy on June 5, 2005