Regaining control
i have been way spaced out for over a week
switching every few minutes, my mind has felt like a revolving door, or like an escalator... its been constant movement. dizzying. i hasve problem following peoples sentences. too many people are listening and switching.
the past couple weeks have been very challenging... to say the least.... having to deal with my biggest triggers (people leaving and/ or dying) and facing things from the past has been extremely difficult. everyone inside has their own way of dealing with things, their own idea of what is the best way to handle people and situations.
i have to get control back over my mind again
i got a kick in the ass e mail from my therapist today
i got a kick in the butt/ pep talk from my nutritionist yesterday
i am still very spaced out but trying to pull myself together
today i slept mostly because i couldnt drag myself out of my depression/ dissociation long enough to get off the floor. i slept in front of the tv whenever it was my turn out front.
but when it was Carolineine's turn out front, she was on the phone with admissions people at a university making plans to start her Masters degree (!!!!! geesh!!!!) apparently June 28th and working on getting financial aid and scholarships-- i have 6 e mails in my inbox about it.
*Ack!* i feel like such a nutcase, here Carolineine is working on her master's degree yet i can't get my head up off the floor (We ARE supposedly in the same body, right?.... right?
As a group we need to meet and figure out what might be a more appropriate use of our time right now... such as putting the master's degree on hold and using all of Carolineine and Missy's energies toward ... ahem, here's an idea.... RECOVERY.
add to that i just got back from vacation
and out of inpatient
I need to find out about follow-up care on the hospital stuff, some sort of outpatient thing for at least a few days a week. I'm going to lose my mind if I dont change some things here, and wandering around the house switching all day & playing dolls 1 minute and wanting to pound my head into the cement floor the next & working on my master's degree the next minute & screaming my lungs out a minute later is just not going to work for me for this summer.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I had to laugh at your question/statement about being all the same body. One of my kids had to learn the hard way by dumping us off the top of a 5' fence face first (he didn't want to go to therapy, we went anyway). Despite such happenings, I find I have a high degree of denial, to the point I seldom do my homework because I don't even think about having DID (I have a high degree of co-consciousness and am nearly always the one up front). This means I have managed to have a good career though with certain difficulties. But, I am faced with finally dealing with childhood trauma at 53. It also means I've dealt with the unhappiness and other symptoms that long.
I didn't hear you feeling sorry about your situation, but I seem to have addressed that anyway by talking about the other side. Well, that's about me, not you. I enjoyed reading a bit of your blog.
Chris