Overwhelmed
Maybe if I take a little bit of time while the laundry is in the washer to just sit and write it might help. I am so tired that my eyes keep trying to close while I’m walking and I’m just too stressed out. So I have just got to sit down for a little bit before I fall down.
I don’t have any support tonight and I need some but there isn’t anybody available.
I need to figure out what to do on my own. I tried eating soup for supper and I made myself eat a few bites but I knew if I ate any more I’d be purging and I didn’t want THAT to happen so I stopped eating. and I have so much going on inside my head and there’s so many changes going on so many things are changing at work and there is so much stuff to get done at work in the next 2 days and I’m constantly so busy from 5:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. and I’m not sleeping well. AGH! Plus there are things to do at home. And the laundry and dishes don’t do themselves. There is also an emergency going on with a friend that has me really concerned and I keep thinking about her.
I just wish I could SLEEP. I need to SLEEP. For about 12 hours straight, instead of only a few. My mind is so busy that I wake up all the time, even with THREE meds to help me sleep. Even in my dreams, my mind is working over time. I can hear Mae and Misy and Carolineine and sometimes Jo and Tuck and EVERYONE talking, talking, talking. Its NOT a bad thing but its just very overwhelming and I am not used to it.
Plus this thing of figuring out how to switch places with Mae like we did in my therapist's office today—that is just Weird. Bizarre. It takes a lot of energy out of me (and Mae too, I think) to be able to do that.. and it feels so strange physically inside my head and there’s a shift that goes on in my brain that I can feel, its just so odd.
Mostly I j ust feel really alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired and overwhelmed. I need someone to help me out but there’s no other people who could. I almost wish I could be back at the hospital when school gets out but I have too much to do next week AND I only get 30 days a year from my insurance, and it seems like I should save them because what if things get bad in October like usual? If I use them in the summer then they will already be gone. Oh and then there’s the fact that the hospital ALREADY HAS ALL MY MONEY. I couldn’t afford to give them a dime right now, my money is spoken for and now I also have a huge credit card bill to pay. Dammit.
(Later)
I finally got ahold of my husband at work and talked to him about 10 minutes. He was in a good mood and not busy. That doesn’t happen very often. I told him what’s going on and how I’m feeling. He had some ideas to help like light some candles and don’t worry about anymore housework tonight and stuff. I feel a little bit better at least not as worked up.
Today I thought it was very helpful of Mae to let me come talk to my therapist at the end of the time and I told her so. Its strange but its nice to have Mae trying to help.
That helped me a lot to talk to my T at the end so I knew some of what was going on and I told Mae that. I have so much noise in my head and I want to do the right thing... i just nneed to figure out what the right thing to do is
i'm so tired i dont think i can keep my eyes open anymore.
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