April 6, 2005

I'm back after being gone for a few days. I feel like no one noticed. All that was in my e-mail inbox was junkmail when I got back home. I'm feeling very dispensible right now. No one notices if I'm gone.

For a few days we've been able to have a little pretend, escaped life. It was nice. Got away. The kids got to have a lot of time out having adventures. We got WAY away... did things that I've wanted to do for a long time. . I got a little bit of sleep. I was too busy having adventures so I was able to drown out Nobody's voice. Instead I listened to the kids, who were busy having fun, with the only except of the 5 year old who would occassionally remind me of how much she misses our therapist and I'd remind her that we're going back to see her on Thursday. Thursday is far away when you're 5.

Tonight I'm home and the pressure is on again. What a surprise, my life was still here waiting for me when I got back.
Things are back to normal.
In every way.
EVERY way.

damn.

In the morning I go see my psychiatrist, heart doctor, and therapist. My psychiatrist doesn't "get it", so I've never tried to explain the different people inside to her, she probaby just thinks I'm a smart aleck airhead who can't remember anything. My heart doctor, hopefully that will be ok. My heart is feeling fine these days. Years of eating disorders is working on being repaired after I nearly killed myself.
Tomorrow we also go see my therapist. The 5 year old is very anxious to go, so is Nobody, so am I. I dont know how that's going to end up. Maybe something will work out where we all get a chance to talk. I hope so. We all need to.

Last year on this date, Nobody tried to kill herself; I stopped her. It caused a huge ruckus with my therapist and husband for about a day, then they seemed to forget all about it. So given Nobody's mood lately, i guess she'd better go in and talk to our T.

It was so nice to get away for a little while.
There were moments when I even felt free.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:16 PM | Comments (2)

April 7, 2005

things haven't gone well today.
long story short, i'm going inpatient.
for the dissociation and trauma stuff, and eating disorder stuff.
as soon as school gets out for summer
my therapist hopes that insurance will be more likely to pay since i'm having medical complications from the eating disorder
i cant talk about this right now.
i just feel really alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:36 PM | Comments (2)

April 8, 2005

In an effort to feel that I have some control over my life, I spent most of the night online looking at treatment centers and sending out queries. If I've got to go inpatient, might as well be a place that I choose, that I know about, that I have some say in, right?
Its hard finding a place that will treat trauma/dissociation AND eating disorders. I'll save you the details of my search. It looks like I've found a place near home though. I called and talked to the admissions person this morning, they're going to send me some information.
I have 6 weeks to get ready.
This is not my life.

There is a lot of yelling going on in my head... everything running the gamut from grateful to pissed off to terrified. Everything from "this is a trap" "this is abandonment" to "this is a great opportunity, lets take advantage of it." Everything from "lets hurry up and get better so we dont have to go" to "hey we're free to take a nosedive now, since we have to go inpatient anyway".

I do not know what to think or do. I have a feeling that a little of everything is going to happen in the next 6 weeks.

I dont see my therapist for another 6 days, and thats going to be really hard. Right now I dont know how I'm going to get through the next 5 minutes, let alone 6 days.

this is not my life. i want to go away. disappear.

just disappear.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

April 9, 2005

This has been an interesting few days, to say the least. Emotions have run the gamut from hopeless despair to "maybe things might be ok". Its been rough because the 5 year old REALLY wants to talk to my therapist, and she has been whining, crying, writing notes, and generally being a pain in the butt about it, going on "PLEASE let me call her, PLEASE let me i have to talk to her now please you said i could please i'm scared of the hospital are you going to leave me does she hate me is she giving up on me i thought i did be good did i be bad now is her gonna send me away when can i talk to her PLEASE will you let me call our T PLEASE?" *sigh* Then Missy yelling "you are so screwed, everyone's going to hate you, S is just trying to get rid of you, you're hopeless, you're going to die, you're living on borrowed time, you are so damn screwed." Again, not helpful.

I dont know what to do about anything. There is a LOT going on that I can't even write about here that I wish I had the freedom to. I'm so overwhelmed. All I want to do is disappear.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:26 PM | Comments (1)

April 10, 2005

i dont want to go to the hospitol ether. i dont want gto go. thare going to leve me there . i dont wannt to talk to strajers i dont want them to see me i dont want them to make fun of me they will say im bad. and i dont liek to eat ehter and docters are scary and bad
they will do bad things to me.
im scared i need to talk to my T
i dont want to go i dint men to be bad i jus wish i dint have to go

Posted by pilgrim at 6:58 PM | Comments (4)

April 15, 2005

As it turns out, I might not have to go into the hospital after all. My heart is still bad, but there may be a way out of this.
Keep in mind, I am getting this information through a 5 year old, who is telling me what my therapist said to her. So its a bit like playing a game of "Telephone" with a classroom full of kindergarteners... you know, where you whisper to the 1st child "Tomorrow is the 1st day of spring" and by the time the message gets back to you it has morphed into "Birds only have 1 wing", which doesn't even make any sense.

As I understand it at this point, if we make some changes, and stick to them (like for FOREVER and beginning YESTERDAY), if communication goes better inside, if we all work together, then we don't have to go. The main thing though is to keep track of what we eat and do all day every day, and NO ONE exercises and EVERYONE sticks to the meal plan.

Yuck. Double yuck.

Let me try to explain the problem with a meal plan. For some people it might be simple... your dietician gives you a list: eat this, this, this. "OK," you say. "But I dont like that, so I'm not going to eat it." "All right---eat this instead, which you like." Agreed.

Here's MY problem.
I hate meat. I think its disgusting to eat things that were once alive, had a mother, and were once babies. Vegetarian all the way.
The boys, however, love meat. Give them a steak anyday. The thicker the better. Hamburgers-- yum. Hotdogs, yum. (I am retching over here!)
I dont like vegetables. Caroline likes vegetables. She'll eat all kinds of vegetables. Nobody can be talked into eating peas. However, she's also anorexic and bulimic. The less food the better. Caroline used to be, but is recovering. I'm teetering on the edge of both sides. Missy's never had an eating disorder, always been a normal eater, which is probably why my body never got to an extremely low weight, since when she is around she will eat.
My poor dietician. She has had to face this issue time and time again. Every time I go to visit her, she gets a different story.
Visit 1: "I hate eggs. I will NEVER eat aggs. Ever!"
Visit 2: "Yah, I can try eggs if you want me to. I like eggs."
Visit 3: "I hate eggs. I would never even try them. NO I DID NOT SAY I WOULD TRY THEM!"
Visit 4: "Huh? What do you mean I said I dont like eggs? I eat eggs all the time! Yah put eggs on my meal plan, I like them."
Visit 5: "I hate eggs. I would never eat eggs."
etc
etc

(And my poor nutritionist is such a lovely, sweet, kind woman, and I feel so very sorry for her that she has to put up with us like this!)

Well now the deal is... EVERYONE has to stick to a meal plan... no matter what. And make my heart better, no matter what. And write down what you eat, no matter what. And don't exercise, no matter what. And get better, no matter what. And everyone needs to communicate better inside, nno matter what.

ugh.
i have to do this... i know i do. its going to be hard.
but if it will keep me out of inpatient, I'll do it.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:11 PM | Comments (3)

April 19, 2005

The title says it all.
I made the decision to go into a treatment center on my own.
I told my therapist tonight that I would.
We were talking about it...and talking about it.
She didn't say I had to. My husband didn't say I had to.
I said I would.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To everyone who has tried for YEARS to get me to go....
now get the hell off my back :cry:
i am having such a damned bad night.
Inside people are FREAKING OUT. I have been cutting and driving recklessly and I dont even know what else and its lucky I didn't get myself killed on the way home from my therapist's office because i was so upset, the 5 year old was screaming out loud at me (LOUDLY), and Missy was hollering "I AM GOING TO F***** KILL YOU!!" as I was trying to drive.

this is not good
this is not right
my head is going
to explode tonight.

My therapist tried to give me some sort of pep talk about how its so much better to make the decision to go on my own instead of having it made for me... but I could barely hear it because as soon as I told her "OK, I'll do it, I'll go," a cacaophony of screams and pounding started in my head and it sounded like a freigh train inside and I covered up my ears and curled up in a ball on her couch.
Of course then it was time to go. Naturally.

Here I am again, dealing with things on my own.
Me and my razor blades.
I dont care. :(
I'm already going into the crazy hospital anyway...
who cares.
:cry:

i dont know what i'm doing.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:06 PM | Comments (2)

I have been taking my sleeping pills earlier and earlier lately.
I just want to go to sleep.
Get each day over with. Sink into oblivion.
(Where I usually have nightmares... )

this is not me
not me
not me
not me
not me
not me
not me

i. hate. myself.

life looks very hopeless.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:08 PM | Comments (0)

April 20, 2005

What have I done?

If I hear "Its an opportunity!" one more time, I'm going to stab myself in the eyeball. I'm a cutter. Dont think I wont do it.

going in for an assessment (and most likely to stay for good) to a treatment program on wednesday

i dont know what to do.
already talked to the intake person, talked to my insurance (NO THEY DONT PAY FOR THIS HOSPITAL DAMMIT!!!)

how am I supposed to come up with the money for inpatient? i'm going to have to sell a kidney or something :( I DONT HAVE THE MONEY. i dont know what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to look around the house and through my things and try to find stuff to auction on Ebay.

wednesday... dammit. thats so soon

everything is taken care of at work until the end of the school year... all the paperwork is done, lesson plans are done, the kids will be taken care of... a substitute could handle everything.

while my students think that I'm abandoning them :(

i hate myself. I HATE MYSELF!

everyone inside is in a chaotic state. One determined to kill herself, one determined to kill everyone else for going inpatient, one determined to run away, one ready to shut down, and everyone else just running around like mad.

dammit, what have I DONE??
THIS HAS TO STOP!!

Posted by pilgrim at 4:57 PM | Comments (2)

April 21, 2005

Well, I'm planning to go into a treatment hospital to a trauma unit on Wednesday (THAT IS SIX FREAKEN DAYS AWAY).
That is, if there is a way to pay for it.
I talked to my husband last night, to the people at the hospital, and to my insurance.
The insurance people say they will pay for for a portion (and its not much). The hospital people say they are in network and should be covered. My husband says unless insurance pays like 90%, we can't afford it at all. The hospital charges $1000 a day.

I can AFFORD about $50 a day. Seriously. $100 a day if we REALLY tap ourselves out.

What the hell is wrong with mental health insurance?

It all comes down to money.

The hospital is supposed to contact my insurance company this morning and find out how much they can get...then they will call me and let me know.

I am so stressed out.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:38 AM | Comments (0)

Spent the day on the phone with insurance and hospital business people, intake people, and I dont even know who else. Getting transferred from one line to another to another. And sometimes from one idiot to another, but in general the people have been kind and trying to help.

The hospital needs payment up front.
(Of course.)
But at least we found out they are in network. Thank God.
Paying my co-pay on my own, and the parts that my insurance wont pay, its going to completely tap me out. Completely. I got paid at work yesterday... might as well put the hospital's name on it.

Trying to think of this as "an investment in my future" and "an opportunity."

I am so stressed out that my body is vibrating.
I'm exhausted.

The 5 year old got to talk to my therapist tonight. I tried to talk for a while, then I got so overwhelmed and exhausted that I started crying, so embarassed because Idontwanttobethisway and iwantthemtogoaway and Ihatethemandthisissoshameful.
I can't imagine going into the assessment next week and telling a stranger, "Oh, by the way, I have other people living in my head... I hear voices.... i can't keep track of time...etc." :( Its so embarassing.
But at least the 5 year old got to talk to my therapist, and it seems like she feels a little better, and at least reassured that the hospital we're going to isn't filled with bad people. My therapist explained things to her in a way that must have made sense.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:35 PM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2005

I need encouragement.
There, I asked for what I need.
I can't believe I'm doing this. *sigh*
I am going in a few days into a hospital that treats trauma and DID... everything is almost ready, after spending a lot of time on the phone with insurance and filling out forms, and getting confused as all get out. I'm really overwhelmed.
The members of my support forum at A Mind's Journey have been so helpful, and I am so grateful for them. I'm so glad that I have their support.
I am so nervous and scared. Inside, things are messy. There is a lot of yelling, nightmares, flashbacks of a hospital I was in for a separate issue (eating disorder) several years ago that was a bad experience, the 5 year old screaming a lot.
But the situation has improved. I have heard some good things about this particular treatment center... I have heard a few people say its one of the best places to go. Its good that I'm choosing to go on my own and being proactive. I think the idea of having 24 hour therapeutic support is good... I have needed it for a long, long time.

But I am still scared out of my mind.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:35 AM | Comments (4)

I haven't been able to sit still today. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself from thinking. Every time I started to think about the hospital, I'd jump up and go run an errand or go clean something. I even managed to clean out a closet that I have been afraid to open the door to for 7 years!
I am eating a little, self-injuring a little. In sort of a "well, I'm going inpatient in a few days anyway" mode.... so who cares what I do today? In a few days I'll be made to cope in other ways. I might as well enjoy what last days of freedom i have left.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)

April 24, 2005

I wonder if the strange dream I had last night has to do with going inpatient. It was so different than dreams I usually have.

I dreamed that I was in someone's very large, very rich house. It was huge, and mostly white. I had to go down a long sloping hallway where the 2 owners of the house were beckoning me to come see what they had. I was afraid of them because they were strangers, but finally went to see what they had.

They had treasures they had bought around the world that were worth a lot of money. The lady was very wealthy, dressed very fancy. She reminded me a lot of Oprah. I sort of felt like I had landed on one of Oprah Winfrey's "My Favorite Things" episodes where she gives everyone in her audience presents!
The lady kept describing her treasures (one was an intricate gold box) and how she had hunted all over the world for it. She was going to give each of us there one. There were perhaps 3 or 4 other people besides me. She said she would give us the treasures, and we could do what we wanted to with them: keep them, sell them, or give them away or throw them away, when we left their house.
I was in awe of where I was and that I was being given this opportunity.

GEE..... about going into the trauma program, ya think?

We drove past the treatment center today. It doesn't look too hospital-ish. Going to go in on Tuesday night.
Day after tomorrow.
*eep*

Posted by pilgrim at 12:07 PM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2005

I can hardly believe I'm actually doing this... going into a hospital. I can't believe it. I have fought this for so long.

I wonder what its going to be like. I wonder if I will be ok. I am so afraid. But I want to have hope. I'm so nervous. My stomach is always full of butterflies.

Tomorrow I go see my therapist one more time... then off to treatment not much long after.

I am so incredibly afraid and I think I'm going to feel very alone even though I know I have a lot of online friends supporting me.

I wish I could fold my therapist, Judy, my sister, and my dog all up in my pocket and take them all with me.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:40 PM | Comments (1)

April 26, 2005

it was so hard to leave work today knowing that I wont be there tomorrow. i cried after i walked out the door... i wanted so much to be able to talk to someone, to tell them where I'm going to be while I'm gone (no one knows I'm going into trauma/DID treatment-- such a stigma). i cried so hard on the way home. my heart aches so much.

then i saw my therapist. the hour went by way too fast. i was shaking so hard and feeling like i was going to throw up because i'm so nervous about going to the hospital tomorrow morning. everything seemed like it was down a long tunnel. all i wanted her to do was wrap her arms around me but i was too afraid to ask her to do that, even though she probably would have if i'd asked.

so i dissociated. my "not me, not me" trick. :(

The 5 year old talked and cried to her for a while, I'm not sure what about. But I imagine it was about hospital stuff.

So many others wanted to talk to her too.. and didnt get the chance. My head is a cacaphony of noises and shouts and whispers and groans and cries tonight.

God I am so scared.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:30 PM | Comments (1)

thank you to everyone who has read my diary and given me support.
I'll be back in a couple weeks after inpatient.
I'm going to work really, really hard and do my best to get better and everyone's going to try to work better together inside. I plan to work my butt off really hard.
this is something that really we've known was coming for years and years.
I'll see everyone in a couple weeks.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:39 PM | Comments (13)