Wishes
I am so overwhelmed and busy and lonely.
I have been getting rid of things that were gifts from my ex-best friend. I can't stand the pain of looking at them anymore... I can't stand how it makes my heart and stomach twist around to see reminders of happier days when I wasn't quite as lonely and depressed. My heart aches with loneliness. I just want a friend here with me. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to even just sit here on the couch with me and talk. Heck, they can talk-- I'll listen. I dont care.
I miss my dog who died 4 years ago. I keep thinking if she was here, things would be so much better. I KNOW they would be. If I had her. If I had my beautiful, angelic golden retriever back, so many things would be better. She was my best friend. And I am missing her so much tonight that I was just sitting here staring at a picture of her, touching it and crying,trying as hard as I could to wish her back into existence. I have her collar hidden under my pillow case. I think I will be sleeping with it tonight. Somehow holding on to it, with its extremely faint scent of her on it.... it makes it seem more like I can wish her back here with me.
Today at work I had an actual conversation with a colleague. I have to be so careful though. I can't talk about my personal life at school. I'm so ashamed of the way I am, all this dissociating and different people inside, I just know I'll be rejected AGAIN, just like I have been in the past. I can't let anyone new find out how terrible I am, that I switch or anything. I'm so ashamed of being this way.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hang in there Pilgrim ^_^
One of the hardest but truest pieces of advice I've ever been given, is that 'something better is always just round the corner, but you won't see it coming until it arrives'.
This has always been true in my experience. At times when I have felt that all my friends had left me, or that I would never find love, a new opportunity or a new person would eventually come along when I least expected it.
P.S. I have started reading the book I mentioned earlier, and so far it has definitely been worth reading :) A little hard going, and not so eloquently written in places, but I already have a lot of diverse information and ideas to digest, and I'm only a few chapters in!
Sweet Pilgrim,
It's very painful to have lost a best friend and to remember what you had and not be able to YET replace it. Getting rid of painful reminders may help.
I'm glad you had a chat with a colleague. I know you have to be careful. But NOT because you are terrible, NOT because any part of you is BAD, but only because there are others you share your life with inside and lots of people may react badly.
You are a talented, loving, good, & loved lady.
Hugs and Blessings, Love, Judy
PS Thinking about moving to No. Little Rock Ark one day, maybe to ******** instead?? (probably years off, 3-5) I'd love to sit on your couch and chat.......