It didn't happen to me!!

Today I made myself, Pilgrim, to go therapy. I had to force myself, as the whole drive over there I kept slipping back to the back of my mind, trying to get away. But I know I need to go check in with my therapist once in a while. I want to know how things are going with the others, find out what the 5 year old is working in-- I rarely remember anything at all from her sessions. I also like to make sure she's getting paid on time and if she's getting my e-mails, and be sure the kids aren't causing any trouble when they come in. So I got updated on what has been going on the past couple months, especially with the 5 year old, and what they've been playing, and what she's been working on.

We go onto the subject of me dissociating... well, of course, its just what I DO, just what HAPPENS. I told her how I'm not around much anymore-- and I dont really want to be, anyway. I can't face the things that theyre talking about. I dont want to face the things they're talking about. I dont want to even know. I just dont. I've had ENOUGH.

What happened to the others DIDNT happen to me. It didnt.
My therapist says, "I think you know the truth Pilgim."
NO. NO. NO.
No I dont.
It didn't happen to me.
None of it.
The terrible, yucky things that happened to the 5 year old, the things that she tells my T--- they happened to HER! NOT ME!
Yah sometimes it might have been my body that was there, while I dissociated, went away, disappeared into the sky or into the wall. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN IT WAS ME!!!
I was never abused.
I was never hurt by my dad, uncles, or anyone.
IT WASNT ME!!
It happened to THEM.
it wasn't me. i dont want to know. i dont want to think about it. i want to go away. IT WASNT ME.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: