Yep, back to normal, all right.
Depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
Yep, all is back to normal in this section of my head.
I haven't had panic attacks in a couple years, but the past week or so, they've been back. I (Pilgrim) am getting more depressed-- its usually Nobody that carries the depression for me. I'm really lonely for my ex best friend, its been nearly a year since she last spoke to me and I am still left with no answers. I saw a commercial advertising vitamins tonight and it had in it 3 best friends (and this amazing vitamin meets all their various nutritional needs, wow! amazing! buy it!). I got so depressed and jealous and lonely. Will I ever have someone to hang out with? Am I always going to be this alone? Am I ever going to have a best friend? Am I going to be this lonely all my life? Is Mae EVER going to stop saying, "[ex friends name]" EVERY time the doorbell rings and its only the postman? Are any of us ever going to get over this?
I dont want to go to work tomorrow. And I love my job. Instead I feel like curling up in my blankets and just hiding from the world. I dont want to come out until someone can make things better. Right now I want my therapist to come and say "what can I do to help? what do you need me to do?"
I didn't eat much today. I also self- injured the past 3 days. Yah, like those things are going to help, imbecile.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
Sweet Pilgrim,
I'm soooo sorry you are having such a hard week. I had no idea. And you are not stupid or selfish to want to keep your counseling sessions as planned. it stinks that S is sick, it truly does because you need her. And you don't have to pretend to be cheerful so she won't think you are a pain. If there's one person to be HONEST with, besides yourself, it's your therapist.
And though it must be soooo hard to deal with, the body memories and old feelings of being too much like your mom need to be talked out with S. I'm just so sorry you have to wait til your next session.
I like the exercise idea better than the cutting.
I understand just wanting to disappear...when my depression gets overwhelming, I do just that and disappear into bed.
I have lost everyone who was a 'best friend' too. When I got FMS and stopped working and socializing, I became inconvenient for those who I thought were friends and might come through for me during the rough times. Nope, they're all gone.
Luckily I consider my husband Frank, my mother, and my daughter as my best friends now. But then there are issues I just don't want to talk with Frank about, ditto for Mom & Jen. And I miss 'girl talk', female friend companionship, gal pals.
I cherish you sweet Pilgrim. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope we can connect soon.
Write me any time.
Big Safe Hugs and Blessings, Judy