Why self-injure...
I do all sorts of things to punish/hurt/injure myself... some of the insiders do it (Missy and the bully do it to punish me, Nobody does it to hurt herself, Mae & me& Nobody all do it sometimes when we can't find the words to express what we need to i guess. Its like...
there comes a point when everything is too overwhelming, when everything is just too much. It's too much, because it started out as too much. Too much pain and frustration and "stuff" gets built up inside so fast that it feels like there is no way to get it out. Sometimes cutting/ burning or other S.I. (self injury) "helps". Its a release...calms me down. Makes me feel like I've gotten some of the bad stuff out, if only for a short while. Watching my arm bleed makes me feel as though all the bad stuff (whatever it may be-- guilt, shame, fat, memories, flashbacks) is getting out of my body). Burning myself feels like a test of how much pain I can take...
its very difficult to explain.
A couple years ago I wrote an essay of sorts about why I cut. I'm going to look it up and post it if I can find it, and see if that helps.
I know its a verd weird, and twisted concept to most people.
There is a book called A Bright Red Scream that does a good job of explaining why people self-injure. There is also a good forum available for people who self injure called BUS (Bodies Under Seige).
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
Teresa
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.
Though I don't understand what cutting is like, it seems somewhat comparable to my hair pulling. Sometimes I would wait and wait and wait until the right moment to pull...when the hair would be just right and I could really "enjoy it". Yeah, the first hair would hurt but then after that...pure relief. And I felt sleepy afterward too. I would wait for my "good hairs" to grow back in...the ones that were really thick. Other times I would just pull anywhere...anytime..one time I almost crashed my truck into a guardrail because I needed to pull so bad.
I told myself it was okay. It was normal for me. Hey at least I didn't do drugs right? I lost time too while I did it. I got away. I always hated slamming back into reality...the mirror always howing the damage I'd done.
I feel bad that you have to go through this. But someday, you might find your way through, and then your stories can help lots of people. Maybe your story is helping someone right now.
Like I've always said, we gotta do what we gotta do to make it through. I still worry sometimes though.
Love,
Your Sis
I dont think your weird or twisted,people always feel that way about things they dont understand.I sort of understand but its a little different for me but when I was younger and I would accidentally injure myself I seemed to enjoy watching myself bleed,the sight of blood would facinate me.I never wanted to hurt myself but I wanted somebody else to hurt me,I dont know why I felt this way,sometimes I still do I suppose,I just dont like to admit it. Teresa