one tried to make a friend

i remember trying to make a friend once. she was in 11th grade with me. her boyfriend and our boyfriend were best friends.
"David", our boyfriend... he was a nightmare. Possessive, mean, abusive, scary.
One night Pilgrim decided that she was going to stand her ground with him. He didn't want her to do anything without him. He stalked her all the time, always finding her wherever she was. But she insisted this one time-- her and this friend were going to go out. To the mall, on a Friday night, like a normal girl, the boyfriends were staying home, that was that.
I remember being incredibley scared.
I can remember one part of being out that night with this girl. I am sure they walked around the mall and talked or something, probably did some shopping, but i wasn't there for any of that.
I do remember being at Subway... being anorexic I was super stressed out. I remember staring at the table, at the napkins, at the sandwich I was supposed to be eating, and trying to talk. It felt like I was down a long tunnel, things were echoing and hard to understand. I tried to make eye contact but couldn't.
But I remember wanting to, so much, because I wanted a friend so much. I'd spend so many years at night saying my prayers, begging God for "just one friend, just ONE, that is all I need, just ONE, PLEASE. please." Just wanted a friend to laugh and play with and hang out with and talk to and do normal things with. But didn't have one yet.
still dont.
I guess Pilgrim, and especially Missy, had fun that night, out at the mall with their girl friend.
What I remember though is seeing "David's" truck in the driveway when I got home.
He was waiting for me.
He wasn't in his truck-- he was actually in this framed-out house next door, where the cement slab had been poured and the outside walls had been put up.
i was. so.scared.
I found him waiting there for me in the dark, sittng against a wall.
He was so, so angry.
I learned that night that it wasn't worth it to try to go against him anymore. I never tried again to "disobey" him. When he said he didn't want me going somewhere without him.... i was weak and didn't.
It was at that point pretty much that Pilgrim lost all her friends. And I've never gotten over that night... and i just am so ... lonely.

i shouldnt have written this. i'm sorry.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days