i shouldn't have brought it up
I shouldn't have even written my last post here. i mentioned it to my therapist today. i should have kept my mouth shut. she already knew about this stuff with my dad, the comments he's made and stuff. but today she wanted me to talk about it because it's triggering my eating disorder and she said I was talking in the language of "fat" today (I'm fat. I just feel fat. I just need to lose weight. There's nothing wrong with me except that I am too fat." etcetera)So near the end of my session something really triggering came up and she wanted me to tell her about a comment that was said, I was dissociating and trying hard to stay there, but then it was time for me to go. That's it, time's up. shit. :( My head feels like its about to explode, but time's up.
So i went home and did some really, really stupid stuff to hurt and punish myself. Way to go, idiot. I dont even want to talk about it.
I see my therapist again tomorrow, thank goodness. I hope it goes better.
Tonight I'm just loaded with flashbacks and body memories of crap from the past that I hate. I feel like screaming and runnng from the room.
I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin.
hate this. hate it. i dont want to be here.
of course, i can never switch when i WANT to, dammit. all i want right now is to disappear and let someone else take over, like C****, who would know how to handle this stuff, but I'm sTuck here, just me, stupid. Pilgrim.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines
I was wondering when the flashbacks start coming, can you group together with everyone and let everyone talk about what they remember and how they felt. Maybe someone was protecting you and maybe you all remember different things but now you all have each other and pilgram is no longer a small child but an adult and can protect the body and everyone. Maybe talking about it where you are safe may help and grouping together makes you stronger because there is strenght in numbers.I was just wondering if this may be a way to finally discuss things and try to understand. I don't know what does your T say about remembering memories.Is it something you need to do to get better??? just wondering..donna