i just need to TALK

I need so much to talk to someone right now. I NEED to. there is no one. Missy's yelling inside at me, "STOP being such a BABY!" .. God, I just need to talk before I explode. (Stupid dramatic teenagers. you know how we are. My dad always tells me "stop acting like a teenager". Im 17. what am I supposed to act like?)
Mae is upset... she got very triggered tonight when I read something somewhere, and she realized that something stressful is coming up . She's hard to calm down when she gets like this-- she needs to talk to my therapist. And guess what, therapy isn't until tomorrow afternoon. Mae has no sense of "wait." She's 5. she needs the bad stuff to go away NOW. dammit... and she isn't listening to me. Why would she? I'm freaking out just the same.
The holidays are coming up..being around family members who are very triggering and very scary... its extremely hard on Mae, it takes weeks to get her ready to go, and then takes her weeks or months to recover from it... I dont know how my therapist handles it every year.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend. I wish there was someone I could just call, and get ahold of, someone I could just..talk to, you know? On my cell phone, there are a bunch of phone numbers saved. They are for doctors and therapists,mainly. Which I can't call, because my therapist doesn't want me paging her anymore...I'm sure she probably has good reasons. The other numbers are for places of work. The people I can actually call to talk to are my mom and my sister. My sister rarely answers the telephone; i almost always get the answering machine, but she doesn't have time to call me back, which is completely understandable, she has got way too much to do and never enough time to do it all. That leaves my mom. If my mom isn't home, that leaves no one to call. And I can't talk about anything real with my mom; we talk about work, the weather, food, superficial things like that. Husband is often at work, and works nights. Which means we aren't home at the same time. I cant call him at work; he has clients and meetings.
Somehow, I am sure that all of this loneliness is all my fault.
My heart hurts... aches. Its like there's this ache inside of me that's an electric current that I can feel deep into my heart, and runs all the way down my arms, it makes my hands ache, my eyes ache, my heart ache.
I want to go away. i wish I wasn't me. I shouldn't be here. i wish i could make this stupid need to have a friend just go away, because I dont think its ever going to happen.
God, I wish I could make all the bad stuff go away for a little bit. I wish I could get away from it.
nb

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback