choosing a name
people keep saying i shouldn't call myself nobody. that they dont like referring to me that way. i dont know why. its who i am...a nobody. non-person. i want to be nobody, invisible, a ghost, i am just this lost ghost floating around, never really seen. about 10 years ago i had a secret name for myself, when i worked at a drug store. my therapist is the only one who knows what it is. Mae sometimes calls me by it. i have been thinking about maybe taking on that name. its so scary though. if i started calling myelf by a real name, what would happen? would people be able to see me? would i get found? would i get made fun of? would i get hurt more? i dont know what to do. the others, especially Pilgrim, like to have a name, because it makes them real. Pilgrim has always liked hearing her name out loud, having people ay her name, it grounds her in reality and makes her feel more solid, that she exists. Thats exactly why i DONT want a name. i am so confused and dont know what to do.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi again sweet gal,I think the reason we want you to take on a name and not call yourself nobody, is exactly because of what it says about you each time you say it, hear it, read it....it's reinforcing negative self talk, and you don't need that.I don't think you'll be hurt by taking on a name. It will stop some of the negative self talk and that would be so good for you. I don't think people will be able to see you, or find you, or hurt you, because you take a name. I see that maybe you hesitate to take a name because that would make you real...well, sweet one, you are real and deserve a name that you like. As for people making fun of you, I think that could only happen within and only from negative sources anyway. I think Pilgrim, Caroline, Mae, & Claire would like it. Missy and Tuck, I don't know? But so what if they don't like it, that's their problem, not yours!!I think you are making a courageous and good choice to pick your name. I look forward to calling you by it!Talk soon, sweet one, Hugs and Blessings, Judy
Sometimes when I would feel fearful and very insecure I would lock myself in my room away from everyone because I didnt feel like anyone understood me and that would make me feel very disconnected from myself. When people dont understand whats going on they tend to judge and persecute you and that was very scary for me. I always want to be alone when Im afraid and when I feel more confident and secure I want to be out and around people more.Fear makes me want to crawl away in the darkness and hide, is that the way you feel?