separate lives
Separate Lives
When I was little,there were 2 separate girls. The daytime Pilgrim was a happy girl. Popular and outgoing, a show off, a little girl who always got staight A’s in school, and was the teacher’s Pet. The daytime Pilgrim had no problems with her mom and dad. She was fine with the fact that even though they were always busy, and didn’t pay her much attention, that they at least gave her presents at Christmastime and on her birthday, and that sometimes they sang funny songs together. The daytime Pilgrim was a healthy kid. The nighttime Pilgrim was just the opposite. Withdrawn and silent, never wanting to draw any attention to herself, she hid in closets and was too afraid to talk to anyone. Talking might mean someone would find out her secrets, and she knew she’d get in trouble if anyone found out what she was hiding. She felt like she didn’t have any family, always being left behind and forgotten about. There was no one for her. Her life was about survival.
The thing that I have to figure out how to handle is, that both of those girls were me.
Now that I’ve learned a little more (with a great deal of help fromCaroline, who seems to have a lot more insight than I do), the daytime Pilgrim was actually made up of Caroline, Missy, Blue, Claire, and Tuck. A group of kids who were able to cope with just about anything. The nightime Pilgrim consisted of Mae, Nobody, fat girl, and who knows who else may have been hiding in there. Where was I in all this? I still haven’t figured that out. Sometimes I wonder if all I have been is a collection of all the others, a compilation of a bunch of other people who make up the global “me”.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: The Bad Days
Where was I in all this? I still haven’t figured that out. Sometimes I wonder if all I have been is a collection of all the others, a compilation of a bunch of other people who make up the global “me”I was thinking of this, and of you this afternoon as I drifted off to my 'escape nap'; I thought of the different roles I serve: daughter, mother, sister, wife, step mom, cousin, niece, aunt, daughter-in-law....and I really didn't want to be or think for any of them at the time. I thought of the different roles and 'masks' that go along with them (except for tonight when I told Frank I'd rather not go to his mom's for dinner and I got the house to myself...heaven...time to catch up with you!)and I wondered which mask, public persona is most like me, which is most of me?And i thought of you, with you your alters are within, and vying for control of one mind and body, and I wondered which if any of the alters you feel mirrors you, or if it's the composite of all of the alters or a separate PILGRIM accompanied by all the others that is you....if integration would bring you to you.Then I got tired of thinking and took my 'escape nap' and now I've spent time with my dear friend, YOU, here. I feel as though we're chatting. I thank you for your friendship and trust. And again, as a BIG Hugger,HUGS and blessings, Judy