good day and a hard day at work
Today was both a hard day and a good day
.It was a good day because I got a new little boy in my class. He is 3 and doesn’t speak but does understand spanish. His mom had a hard time leaving him of course. And he did cry for a little bit. But I started reading him some books in spanish and he sat in my lap for a long time, then I got him to play with me. And I even got him to say a couple words for me. He is really, really sweet and had a good day, and his mama was so happy to hear that when she came to pick him up. I know lots of tricks for getting silent kids to talk so I am sure he will be talking soon and he’s a cute little boy. I love getting new kids.
It was a hard day too because I had to say goodbye to one of my kids too. I have had "A" for a year. She is a little spanish girl with Downs’ syndrome. She is a crazy little thing who is THE definition of “stubborn.” But we got so attached to her in the past year and she is such a happy and self-confident little baby. But her family is moving far away (another state) this weekend. I probably won’t see her again. It was really hard to say goodbye today. I was holding her and she was holding onto me tight with her head in my chest. Then when we were kissing goodbye I told her I loved her a lot and she didn’t want to leave me to go with her mom. She kept pretending she couldn’t stand up and couldn’t walk with her mom so I would keep holding her. Then she wouldn’t go out the door. By then I had tears coming out my eyes and her mom looked like she was about to cry too and she kept telling me “thank you for everything.” It hurt my heart to watch her leave.
Its just one thing when they leave my class because they don’t need me anymore or they’re too old for me, that’s always a good thing to see. But when kids move away, I hate that. I always hated moving around so much, having 2 or 3 teachers in 1 year sometimes and always having to go to a new school. I just didn’t like it much. And I really really don’t like saying goodbye to my kids.I am going to miss her so much.
Its so hard when anyone goes away.
(later)
well dammit. my husband just got home, and i told him about how hard it was to say goodbye to the little girl today....here's his reply:
"And unfortunately, all she knows is that she's been ABANDONED."
goddammit. like i didn't feel lousy and crappy enough about this. did he think i wasn't already feeling enormously guilty and horrible over that? i have enormous abandonment issues and he KNOWS it. i hate this. i already feel like any time i part with a child, they're going to think its because i dont like them anymore, just like i assume with anyone who ever parted with me. god. i can't take this. i dont want to be here. i dont care if i dissociate. i cant take these feelings. i cant. i felt bad enough already. i want to go away. disappear. just disappear. :(
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