disconnected images... flashbacks
My husband told me I've been "out of it" the past few days. I couldn't agree more. I am so confused about what's been going on.
The past few days....weeks?... are just flashes of disconnected images. Nothing related. I'm having such a hard time following along with my own life. I am aware that Nobody has been around a lot. I can tell you that work is going well, and that things in therapy are hard. But things are connected. time passes by me in flashes instead of along a time line. This is what i can remember from the past week:
FLASH---- Nobody sitting in therapy crying about.....???what??? something hard. my therapist holds her hand.
FLASH--- I see Nobody drawing pictures in my sketchbook. Something is really, really wrong, and I dont want any part of it.
FLASH--- on the phone talking with my sister. but it isn't me thats talking to her. its Nobody.
FLASH-- My husband is waking me up. The clock says 8:30. "Is it morning or nighttime?" i ask him. I have no idea what day it is. I'm scared that I've overslept, on the couch, and am late for work. "Its night time," he says. Oh. But wasn't I just up doing laundry? How come I am finding myself laying on the couch? What day IS it? What have I been doing all day? No answers there.
FLASH-- I'm talking online to my sister. Caroline is there too.But we're talking about the past. What we are talking about, did it just happen a couple days ago? No wait, that was.... nearly 20 years ago. But no time passed. What's going on?
FLASH-- all of a sudden I'm waking up from a nightmare. I dont remember going to bed,but here I am. I dont remember saying goodnight to my sister or anything on the computer. I dont remember turning out the lights or getting in bed or anything. But now I'm waking up from a nightmare again. I have a lot of nightmares about being killed lately.
I'm trying hard today to remain present enough to know what's going on. But the flashes of awareness keep coming and going. Its like watching a really bad movie where flashbacks are put in but edited really badly.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
