developing relationships with alters
I do have a question if you don't mind. When there are ones that you don't talk to, how can you start a relationship with them?
There really isn't a relationship when people aren't even on speaking terms. That has usually had some negative consequences. Irons set down on the hand. A knife sliced through skin. Subtle hints of , "I'm HERE, I'm REAL, stop ignoring me." Sometimes the point is taken; sometimes the point is missed. Its just better if there is communication going on all sides. Sometimes it takes a LONG time to get any sort of communication going; I've really, really struggled with that, and its still an ongoing problem.
Hm..that sounded good, didn't it? I was trying to sound like Pilgrim. I'm pretending to be her this weekend. I wrote that because i know that's what Pilgrim would say, and how she would write it. I dont want anyone to know its me right now. Its probably pretty stupid, what does it matter if the people at the grocery store see this body inhabited by Pilgrim or by a nobody?
if i were answering that question that someone wrote in, (in my opinion only--not what pilgrim or Caroline would say)...here would be my answer: some of us dont want relationships. not with the others inside, not with the one who is the "host" (for lack of a better term)... there are some of us...who just want to be left alone. just left alone. i was fine for years and years being alone and forgotten about. by myself. it was better that way. it just was. now there's all this communication going on...and i'm being made to do all this stuff i dont want to do, like i'm not allowed to cut or purge or starve myself, i have to play by the outside rules instead of by my own. Its terrifying. At least when I was on my own, the only person i was hurting was me.
nobody
p.s. i'm sorry for my mood. i feel like i'm going to explode. i cant deal with whats going on right now. And Pilgrim just came around long enough to write, "there's so much screaming in my ears.." (yeah, well, no kidding. tell me something i dont know.)
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Thank you for both responses. I can only imagine what it is like for all of you, and I can imagine it is frustrating. I sure know what pain is like, and I hope some measure of comfort will find you, all of you.Hugs,Heather
Dear SisHey it's me, your sister. I just wanted to let you know that I know this must be so hard, not because I know what it's like, but because I am looking in from the outside with such a different perspective. There is a lot I don't remember too...but I wish I would remember so that I could help you. I'll keep trying to help whenever I do remember something, or I can always call S too since I have her number. I know that right now you are only on the outside of this spiderweb, trying to figure out how it's woven and how terrible it could truly be. It's so strange because everyone always thought our family was so perfect. We were the perfect children. So quiet. So well-behaved. So full of nasty little secrets. SOme day I'll remember, and maybe you can too, and maybe we can then try to find some resolution. I know it's hard, though I'll never know how hard. I'm scared too, though I'll never know how scared you are. Just know that no matter what happens to the family, nothing will happen to me. I'm strong, and I can handle whatever comes. And I'll fight for whatever you need, you just say the word. I have never doubted anything you've told me, and I can't imagine that I ever will. I hope you come back soon. The nobody person makes me worried. Love,Your Sis
Nobody,That was an interesting and enlightening response; thank you. I would like to hear more from you and anyone else who would like to share their thoughts.PixiP.S. I understand about the starving....I used to do that too. I don't do it anymore because I know it isn't good for me...there are times i want to do it though and it is difficult not to starve but it is for the best that I don't.