July 2, 2004

I haven't been having the best of weeks.
Dissociating a LOT. I am not sure what I've been doing. I know that at least part of the time, I've been busy helping run the new forum for dissociative disorders. I finally made it to therapy yesterday, and one of the little ones got the chance to talk with my therapist, that seemed to help a bit. Then I went to see my psychiatrist. Today I went to see my psychologist. I am FINALLY done with all that testing, I think. FINALLY. I dont even want to talk about it today. I am just done.
I've been so lonely this week. Things have been desperate. Its been insane inside my head. I'm trying to get back on track this afternoon. I actually just invited one of my friends over! And she is coming over for a little while to visit. I am so glad about that. I haven't had a friend over in 6 months.

i'm trying so hard to get my own life straighened out.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:35 PM | Comments (1)

July 22, 2004

Was gone on another getaway. Finally home, where I belong.
Its been a roller coaster week. Day. Hour. Lots of switching going on. So I can't really give an update about what I've been doing, because I'm not sure. Kids have been out, playing and having fun, touched a snake at the zoo, playing outside, and learning new things. Others have been triggered into flashbacks again. Something happened that brought back a lot of hard stuff. I've been really out of it.; The body memories are so strong. My body seems to have a mind of it's own and I'm worried.; I've worked hard to eat better and recover from an eating disorder, but now, due to some stuff that's happened this week, I can't eat. My throat refuses to swallow much, and everything that does go down tastes horrible. Then sits in my stomach like concrete. The only thing that seems to go down ok is an icy cold drink like diet pepsi. I dont want my metabolism to get screwed up again. Forcing myself to eat proves difficult but I am really trying. So much is going on inside.  I am overwhelmed.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:32 PM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2004

I have been so busy the past few days. I cannot even describe it. Thank goodness its summer.

I am only going to write for a minute though. I got a book in the mail today, and I can't wait to get back to reading it.
Its called Becoming One, by Sarah E. Olson. I ordered it off of Amazon.com last week, and it came in the mail today. I'm only on page 10, but I think this book is so good. Its about a woman who overcomes having D.I.D. I have already posted abut it on my website to recommend it to others to read.  I need to hear a story of good news. I need to hear about strength right now.
Today, I'm sick of being this way. Its more like, all of a sudden, I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of having people in my head. Its been a really rough week. Problems with eating due to flashbacks, I have the feeling that I'm dissociating and missing time more than I realized, and even during good moments one of the little ones will pop out and start to cry just at random. People inside are having problems and I'm trying to handle it all and there's just too much going on.
I'll write more later. Right now I've got to get back to Sarah's amazing book.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:24 PM | Comments (0)

July 26, 2004

today was rough all around.2 hour session with my therapist today. one of the things I started talking about, I haven't mentioned before.
 My old trick.When I was little, I taught myself how to go away. Whenever something bad (or just uncomfortable) was happening, I would start chanting to myself, "not me not me not me not me not me". After a few minutes, I would feel myself take a step away from my outside...
like a peeling away from the front...taking a step inward, so that whatever was happening, wasn't happening to ME anymore...and i kept chanting "notmenotmenotmenotmenotme".
..for minutes or an hour, whatever it took, and close my eyes, and chant,
until i didn't feel pain or hurt or reality anymore. and then the separation would take place,
and it'd be like me facing another person, like another kid. and all that bad/ uncomfortable stuff would stay with them, and that reality would stay with them, and i'd leave them behind, and move on to something else. thats what sharon and i talked about today.
I remember starting it when i was in kindergarten, and doing it all the way through college (and i even try to do it now, out of habit, the old "not me not me" chant and separation thing, but I never do it all the way anymore, I know too much now).... was this me making alters when I was little?
i got reminded of this because last week something happened and Mae started chanting "not me not me" and Caroline realized that Mae was trying to make a new little girl named Kristen to take her place. Luckily, Nobody somehow talked Mae through it and instead of creating a new alter, they bought her a stuffed polar bear and Mae named the BEAR baby Kristen instead. last thing we need is more new people. *sigh*

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 PM | Comments (1)

July 28, 2004

http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php 

Posted by pilgrim at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)

July 31, 2004

I'm doing beter. This has been a hectic few days--- someone inside, a little one, has been working hard on trying to figure something out. I'm not sure exactly what, but I know it had to do with real and pretend, and imagination. Its been weighing down on her, not in a bad way, but something on her mind. Whatever it was, she seems to have been resolved a bit more. Yesterday I finally got back to feeling like myself, dissociating less, and actually got some things done. I'm getting ready to go back to work (school starts in a week)-- that gives me a goal to work toward.
I'm trying so hard to get control over things. Be in control of myself, of my life.

Last night I had a dream that I a bus went by my house with no driver in it. It was filled with people-- especially children. Everything was chaotic in there, and they needed a driver. I had no choice but to get on the bus and try to drive it.
The thing was, I never drove a bus before. Sure, I thought, I can drive, but a bus is big, and awkward, and takes up a lot more space on the road, and I dont know if i can drive a bus.
In my dream I was sitting halfway back on the bus (the steering wheel was about 6 seats back) and I was trying to drive. The kids were all yelling, adults were getting in the way. Some were giving me advice on how to drive the bus. I tried sitting in different places on the bus to drive, in the back and in the middle and on the top, but nothing was working, not with everyone getting up and running around on the bus and shouting and being in the way.
The bus was going all over the road, and I was getting exhausted.
We finally stopped at a school in my dream. I got off the bus and took a breather. Thankfully, someone else, the real bus driver, was on there when I got back. Turns out I was just supposed to be a STUDENT on the bus, NOT the driver! Thank God! The driver was someone who actually KNEW what to do.

i am trying to figure out what I can learn from my dream. it feels that somehow it applies to my life.It makes sense that things on the bus (my mind) won't go the right direction until everyone starts calming down and working together) and wouldn't it be nice if i was not supposed to be the driver of this bus?

Posted by pilgrim at 7:49 AM | Comments (0)